Ok I really could use some insight or ideas on how to deal with this.
Most of this is in my bio but a quick rehash. A few months ago my Mom got hurt. Plus my Uncle had a serious health incident (we weren't sure what was wrong at the time but we found out it is stage 4 lung cancer and plaques on his brain). So Mother called us distraught so my brother and I made the 600 mile drive to find out what was up. Now 3 yrs ago Mom came up north here to ”help” my Grandmother. So Mom's hurt, Grandma is almost 90 and her memory is failing somewhat on top of just age related decline and to be quite frank... Grandma is kinda lazy and likes people fawning over her. Both Mom & Grandma should win awards for their dramatics. So my younger brother and I figured the best way to figure out what was going on for sure was to make the trip. Well we were told the Dr told Mom hip replacement was a possibility but she hadn't seen the orthopedic surgeon for confirmation. Being a nurse I know that a bare minimum of 8 weeks post op and therapy. So I stayed to help because I had a bit of cushion and wasn't working just yet despite some job offers. My lucky brother didn't have that option...he had to go back to work. We were always taught family first and help where you can if needed. My personal ethos has always been *Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you*, *Speak your truth* and * Do no harm but take no crap*.
That was 3 months ago. Now through various testing and whatnot, we found
out Mom has lymphoma and a break in her pelvis. Mom's mobility is severely restricted and her 1st round of chemo wiped her out for almost 10 days. Grandma is just bad enough that she can't remember all the details but knows Mom is pretty sick. Grandma runs me to death but isn't emotionally awful to me to my face. Mom...well despite running all over finding things she wants to eat, then cooking them and cleaning up that mess (fried chicken livers...if you know, you know 😂) but I didn't mind so much because I know that keeping her eating and drinking is of utmost importance. Well yesterday I cooked and knowing Grandma probably wouldn't like the one recipe I made an alternative as well. There were 5 of us and I definitely made enough to cover everyone should they not like the new food. So Mom didn't like it (even though she'd ate it before at my house) but instead of telling me that, she waited until my aunt who was visiting went in the kitchen to have a very loud hissy fit berating me, & my cooking just loud enough I could hear her in the other room. Now nevermind I've been doing all the cooking, cleaning, helping Gramma with ADLs, ect for 2 weeks...now all of a sudden I can't even make food the cats will eat! Even though that morning she was just telling my aunt how she'd made me such a wonderful cook because of a vegetable cheese dip I'd made...
So I almost told her where to go, how to get there, as well as some other very awful things and about called my brother to make plans to come get me in the next 7 to 10 days. I didn't though because it would have been my Grandma that payed ultimately. While my Mom claims several awful things about her, and I've seen the crappy side of her... Grandma hasn't done near the damage to me as my Mom so I can't justify leaving her in my Mom's care.
So.... I'm in a tough spot...yes both of them are awful in their own ways. Mom...well I'd have no qualms throwing her in the nursing home. I've worked in plenty and know most of them do the best they can with what they have to work with. Will I finance her care? Nope. Now my Grandma...that's a different story. Yes she's a difficult pain in my rump but she has always wanted what's best for me it seems. Yes we clash on so many levels yet I won't/can't abandon her into my Mom's care.
So therein lies the rub...I can't walk away as my personal ethos and conscious would eat me alive. If these behaviors out of my Mom keep up though my emotional and physical health is going to plummet further.
Getting someone the care they need in a facility using their resources is not "throwing them away" or abuse of any kind.
One nurse can't take care of two ill people 24/7 without burning out. You have.
Just because you have a financial cushion doesn't mean you can retire. You need both the funds and the work credits (not to mention your sanity) to be able to return to the work force.
Sure, I get that. Good time to revisit your ethos & find the sticking points?
I found I was operating under 'family must help family' values but without enough common sense limits. Also I suppose wearing my 'useful' hat, but the weight started to crush me.
Until I changed hats. Now I wear an 'advocacy' one.
Financially, it would be unsustainable for you to pay for another person's facility care. You'd just be robbing yourself in the present and future. Maybe consider helping to set up your Grandma with in-home aids that she pays for, or talk to a social worker for her county to see what services she may qualify for.
Or, you can create an employment contract with your Grandma so that you officially become her employee, but that is fraught with other requirements, like payroll tax withholding and reporting.
Or, you can choose to find and keep healthy boundaries with them since we don't get to choose our family members like we do our friends. You don't have to accept anything from them just because you're related to them. But you can choose how much or little you interact with them. They won't like this philosophy, of course. Respectfully, maybe you should consider talking to a therapist to help you find these boundaries since yours are all tangled up with emotions and not reason and logic. Betterhelp.com is one affordable, accessible online resource for counseling.
You've done yeoman's work to date so never feel guilty about a different arrangement for them -- IF they cooperate. I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you figure out your boundaries.
Get them both into a facility and get the hell out of Dodge.
Your Mom, tell her that you did not have to come and help. That respect goes both ways. That as soon as you can find them some help, u will be leaving because she does not appreciate what u have done for them. Since she does not like the way u cook, she can hire someone to do it for her.
Your profile says that u have distanced yourself for 20 yrs because of this kind of thing. You can distance yourself again. There is no moral thing here, you stepped up to the plate and instead of being appreciative, Mom is being a witch. You don't treat those who are trying to help that way. The consequences are, you walk away. Throw your hands up and say "I tried, back home I go. Find someone else to abuse".
I agree with JoAnn. It will take at least a month to explore what placement resources are available to you for the care of Mom and Grandmom. In facility care is likely the only way to go in this situation.
You didn't cause any of this and you can't fix any of this so this has zero to do with moral questions. You are guilty of nothing here, and you have your own life. You have been met with the tragedy of an elder going down caring for someone still older than her.
I don't know what life you have where you live, what family obligations, but your own nuclear family is of course your first obligation.
Only you can make this decision, but in it you must realize that your mother may not survive her illness and your grandmother may well live to 100. It would be an application for Sainthood in my opinion (and it's a bad job description) to think you can leave your entire job and life to care for two elders.
Discuss all this with brother, then with mom and grandmom as to what you CAN help with and what you cannot. I am so sorry as this is truly a double whammy.
I suggest to you Gretchen Staebler's excellent memoir, Mother Lode, for a good taste of what it can be to upend your life and come to care for a Mom in her 90s (who lives to 102.)
I wish you the best and hope you will update us.
Just read your profile. It really does appear that there is a lot of family drama.
I noticed that you like to hike. So do I. In your situation, I think I would be tempted to find a lovely and serene trail to hike on.
I appreciate that you are a professional. I have no doubt whatsoever that you have your grandmother’s best interests at heart.
I personally feel that there are good reasons why doctors and nurses shouldn’t be caring for their own family members.
You tried. I don’t think this situation is working out very well. Your mom is not going to support you. This is going to be a continuous uphill battle. Let someone else take over.
In fact, if your mom feels so knowledgeable about everything, tell her that she can take over and that you wish her well.
Tell your mom that you will keep your grandma in your thoughts and then go your own way.
If you feel that you must stay, I hope things will improve for you soon. Wishing you peace in this difficult situation. Take care.
We are related by blood to many people. So many that we don't even know all of them. Now, with Ancestry.com and other DNA bases, we can find family members that we never knew we had. So where does this ethos end?
My first cousin, whom we all barely knew because her dad died before she was born and she was raised by her mom and stepdad, who were not kin to us? If she became sick, must I run to her side and offer up my all to care for her? She is blood. We share a lot of DNA. Family helps family.
Another more distant cousin, who looks much like my grandmother. I've never met her. We connected on Ancestry. I've seen her posts on Facebook and I can tell you that we have absolutely nothing in common. I mean, nothing! Completely different in mindset and lifestyle. Should I go to her when she gets dementia, like Grandma did, and change her diapers? Family helps family. We look alike. She could be my sister.
Because I took care of my parents and Rude Aunt intervened to make me miserable as I was doing it, I no longer choose to have a relationship with her. Was dropping everything to take care of my parents worth it? For five years, then five more to settle their affairs? So far, yes. In the long run, who knows?
Let's stop this family-helps-family thing. There are some we can't love and will never love. We don't have to destroy ourselves to take care of them. Caregiving has its limits, and that's one of them.
Those of us who are depending on family to look after us must start reconsidering. Believing that they owe us isn't going to work anymore. Family is getting older, wiser, and more self-protective. Including me, and hopefully you.
I love researching my family tree! I have found many relatives of mine on 23andme. Some have reached out to me through private messages on the app and it has been interesting to hear our family history.
They are not the holder of the truth about you, you are. You are allowing them to rule your conscious mind.
We mortals do the best we can in a given circumstance, there is no failure, no right, no wrong.
Personally, I think that you place way too much importance on what they think.
IMO, they both should go into AL, there is a staff there to support them, so that will give you a chance to get your mental health back on track and rediscover your worth, not their perception of your worth.
Good Luck!
Your mother is undergoing chemo treatments and feeling sick AND scared at the same time. Lymphoma is a HUGE cancer that a friend of ours has been fighting for 6+ years now and not making much headway with, frankly. A bone marrow transplant bought him more time but also left him with Graft vs Host disease and serious lymphedema in his leg. Blood transfusions and frequent hospital stays compose his life now, at 54 years old. Your grandmother is suffering from dementia meaning she's impossible to reason with and her behavior is senseless and erratic.
If your personal ethos and conscious would eat you alive if you walk away from this caregiving gig, then it's time to toughen up your skin! The vile things my mother said to me during her run with dementia would turn anyone's hair gray. Be the duck. Let all comments roll off your back (once you set down your own house rules) and if you can't make it work for your own health, you'll have to put Plan B into action and prioritize what's most important in your life.
I'd suggest that you 'fake' an emergency that means you simply have to leave and go home. Perhaps your brother could take the time off from work to cope with the 'emergency' you leave behind. They may well accept change better with him - daughters almost always get worse treatment. And there's your aunt - another daughter to GM, and your M's sister. Could she do the 'fix-it' when you disappear? Don't let you or anyone else get the idea that it's all down to you!
I've kicked around the idea of maybe talking with one of my Aunts on my Dad's side and seeing if I could temporarily stay in her basement apt in town for a few weeks. That way I would be close (like 10 minutes away) but not at these women's beck & call. I could come help a few hours a day and then leave again.
While I didn't expect this to be easy and I did expect some abuse, this is way WAY more than I figured it would be. I'll just start putting one of my earbuds in and tune them out while I'm figuring it all out. Mom has her next round of chemo the 13th and then scans to see how well it's working. I'll bite my tongue and stiffen my spine until then. I think if I do that and Mom's showing positive results and her mobility improves more, I'll be able to go home with very little guilt.
Finish up what you need to do and go home, forget about that self imposed guilt thing that is keeping you stuck.
Better to get away and watch from a distance. Call and send cards of concern. Then rejoice that you’re out.
Well as an update I think Mom knows I'm pretty disgusted with how she chose to vent or whatever you want to call it Saturday. She's been pretty chipper and she's being all nicey nice (just like an abuser does, go figure) like that's going to make me forget what she did. She has also has said she's going to cook on the days my Uncle comes to visit (Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday) which is fantastic. We'll see how that works out after her next chemo treatment as she thinks each one will be easier on her physically. Hopefully she's right but from my limited experience with cancer nursing & care I've never seen that happen until after treatment ends.
I initially said that I was going to stay till all her treatments are over but I don't see that happening.
It's not abaondonment to place your GMa in a care setting that will meet her increasing needs and your mom will likely be faced withg the stark reality that chemo gets harder each time, not easier; some serious magical thinking on her part.
Set things up to be the loving daughter and granddaughter that you are and divest yourself of this role as primary stabilizer in a doomed situation with two famnily memebers who need far more than any one person can give. If anyone has designated you as POA without telling you, you can refuse, resign, either way.
I would urge you to step away now. Do what you can to hand their needs over to a case mgr and advocate for them, but divest yourself of the guilt and burdonsome moralistic unrealities.
I'm a retired RN and wish that I had stepped away years ago, before the weight of it all wore me down. We can love our family and others, but cannot meet every need, nor should we try to.
Wishing you the best of peace and clarity moving forward.
You have your life to live to work to support yourself financially and your mother can’t take care of anyone other than herself.
Do not cave . IF asked , You can give suggestions of what kind of help grandma and Mom need and how/where they can get it that ISN’T you doing hands on care, meals etc.
You have a lot of good advice here. Take it . I wish I had people telling me I could give up hands on caregiving , be an advocate , or walk away entirely . I felt I had no choices. But we do. Don’t ruin your physical , mental health or finances.
I burned the candle at both ends for years , I was depressed , trapped . I could only work part time during caregiving for a decade which will affect my own retirement . I should not have done that , and I was dealing with a very abusive mother who refused to use her money or let strangers in her home . After a decade finally got her in AL and her abusive treatment escalated . It wasn’t worth it trying to keep Mom at home like she demanded . Nothing made Mom happy .
I regret letting Mom dictate .
Good Luck .