I was taking care of my mother's Dr. appointments but after two years I really needed help and a break which I never got and was never offered it. I have a brother and a sister in the same area as myself. They have happily sat back and allowed me to take charge. Now, when I need some reprieve, they're agitated. They feel my mother is faking her illnesses, think she is lazy and that my father coddles her so she doesn't have to lift a finger. She has many issues, yet the doctors can find nothing wrong with her. A new thing lately is that my father says she is throwing up 2-3 times per week and doesn't know why. She's been to the Dr. before on this issue and it always points to dehydration. He states she eats very little yet she is not losing weight. It is frustrating I know but now that my two siblings are involved they are making matters worse for my parents. Although my father is a caregiver to my mother, I feel I am a caregiver to him (support system) you might say. My sister called a meeting together with both my parents present. In fact, she got my mother out of bed to hear the entire conversation. I felt sorry for my mother that she sat there and had to listen to my two siblings saying that the doctors can find nothing wrong with her, saying they want off the merry go round and that they want final answers (a second opinion I guess). So when a well known clinic in Santa Barbara was brought into the discussion for a second opinion, my brother's wife who was there and along with my brother said they didn't agree with it. They feel that it's just more doctors and doctor appointments to contend with. I feel terrible about the whole situation because the meeting was more of a debate rather than a true loving and caring discussion on what we should do. My parents sat there listening and not saying much. This discussion should have never taken place in front of them I believe. I've been trying to detach personally because I need a break yet now I'm not sure if I should just ask my family to bow out and allow me to take over again. I'm available to help with appointments if they need me to but I just don't want all of them. It's their parents too and my opinion is that they should want to help simply because of that. I'm at my wits end!
An elder usually doesn't go to those lengths to get attention. And especially since it was your Dad who told you this, and not your Mom. I would get Mom either to her primary doctor or to an urgent care walk-in doctor's office to be checked. I realized Mom had cried "wolf" one too many times, but this time it could be for real. Have Mom checked for acid reflux as that can be very uncomfortable condition.
I'd say that dealing with your mother is enough for you to focus on. Don't get into dramatics with your siblings also. Who has healthcare POA? Is that your father? What does he think would be best for Mother? Is he in favor of a second opinion?
Why doesn't Dad take Mom to the appointments? What is his health and mental state like?
In all these appointments, has Mom seen a geriatric psychiatrist? There is definitely something wrong with her. Normal healthy people do not behave as she is. Even if she is "faking it," normal healthy people don't do that. It would be awesome if you can find a doctor who has some thoughts and clues about what is wrong and how to fix it.
Her doctors apparently have clues about some aspects of the problem. They think she is dehydrated. It would be worthwhile trying to fix that, don't you think? Can Dad take the lead on that? Drinking more liquids is an obvious way to address this, but also eating more moist food. Eating watermelon and chicken noodle soup contributes to hydration, and perhaps eating more would help her feel better, too. It is one thing doctors have suggested. It is worth trying.
How much should you be involved? It sounds like you need and deserve a break. But leaving it up to your sibs is not exactly helping you relax.
I hope other posters will have some ideas for getting yourself a break and also helping your mother.
My 3 other living sibs are pretty much MIA, but they will step up if needed. Brother HATES having anyone in his home, and recently told me if I came up he'd call the police. Well POA of a completely competent person is WORTHLESS--but he doesn't get it. I ignore him and still help mother out a couple times a week.
We held a family mtg at my home Jan. 2nd. All the sibs were there, trying to establish some kind of plan for mother's ongoing needs. Brother was impossible to deal with and was just mean to me. We DID decide he'd shoot a quick text or email each week to everyone about mother's health, but he has not done so. I go up there twice a week and I did discuss this with mother--she was upset, b/c she didn't like being talked about behind her back--which I understand--but it was out of concern and love.
MANY of mother's ill are mental. She has always been manipulative and sometimes that comes back to bite her. She's not going to change.
I also felt that our discussion got out of hand, I am just glad mother wasn't there. Your situation seems different, but I imagine mom's feelings were hurt.
It is so hard to walk that fine line between being "the kids" and "the caregivers". IMHO, tho, SIL has NO VOICE in this situation. I DO NOT intervene in my MIL'S care and I never will.
Getting home health might take a load off your dad. He needs a break.
I'm sorry for your frustration, but I bet the family will happily let you take back the reins of healthcare director. Really only one person needs to be in the loop--we've found when another sib goes with brother and mom, he gets furious.
You'll have to find your balance. I hope you do, and all can be resolved.
You siblings are on a learning curve. You have to trust them to do the best they can. Getting up close and personal will hopefully give them more empathy for mom. It’s good they were willing to step up when you needed them. My parents lived a long time and we all seemed to have a hand in their caretaking. I personally found going to the best drs available (3 hrs away) was best as things got resolved. The go sit in a drs office all day was like spinning our wheels. But again, when we have to depend on others, we have to be open to other ways of dealing with the issues that come up. I know it’s hard.
If this is all in your mother's head, what can you, your dad, and your siblings do to get it out of her head? Or at least reduce the number of medical appointments she needs.