I have moved my mom to a private facility. It was only intended to be during a respite period but they say she is doing so extremely well there - interacting, participating in the activities, eating and sleeping well - but most importantly NO aggression - something I was having trouble with at home with the caregivers. She is asking for me but so far easily redirected. They strongly encouraged that I leave her there. With all the positives and it is really a very nice place - so why can’t I stop crying - this is what I wanted.
just be careful:
the stay in the facility was supposed to be temporary.
1.your mother might not have minded, because she knew it’s temporary. so she was able to be happy while she was there, knowing she would return home. like when you’re in hospital and you’ll get out soon, so you might as well make the best of it.
i would absolutely hate to be brought to a facility as “temporary”, and then it’s actually permanent. i would, under some circumstances, feel very tricked.
for me, it would depend on the circumstances.
2.the facility says she’s happy. but that might also be to make you stay/pay more. maybe the facility treats people ok in the beginning, so they can try to keep the person/get money/make it permanent.
hugs! just be careful.
you said you recently visited. i hope you’re ok :). i hope your mother’s ok :).
sending lots of strength and love to you, everyone on this forum and our loved ones.
:)
bundle of joy :)
"It has been 3 weeks now - I am going for my first visit tomorrow. Praying I don’t upset the apple cart."
Okay, best of luck! Be prepared for anything and try to hold the tears while you are with her. Might she devolve into begging to go home? It's possible, but distractions can help. Bring a gift. Focus on her, ask her questions, have her show you around her new "apartment", etc. If she gets "stuck" on the going home issue, agree but put it off to some vague future day, then try to refocus her onto something else.
If things get difficult, don't be afraid to ask a staff member for help, esp when it's time to leave. If they are good, they know how to distract mom so you can make a graceful exit!
I can tell you one thing though, I’m so glad I can cry. My sister has been crying since we put her there. She cries after each visit. I was wondering what’s wrong with me that I had the bulk of the caregiving responsibility because she was living with me, but I couldn’t cry. I felt like I was in robot mode.
It feels so relieving to get this pent up pressure and anxiety out finally. To know I can feel again. Maybe joy can come next.
Thank you for posting about this because I really needed it. God bless you and your mom on the next chapter of your journey whichever you choose.
Go to a movie, go for a walk at a park and feed the squirrels, get out in the sunshine, go to one of the bookstores that has a little cafe in eat where you can have a cup of coffee and read a book or magazines. Take short little day trips somewhere. Go to Starbucks so you're around other people and have a cup of coffee and read a book, your computer, the newspaper. Go shopping and buy a new top, maybe something colorful. Maybe go to a restaurant that has a bar and sit at the bar ( you can get a non-alcoholic drink, if you like ) and try to join in a conversation. Maybe take an online or in-person class somewhere. You could go to one of those painting with a twist one-time "class" where you come home with a painting.
But let yourself cry.... it will lessen over time.
Talk to your mom and see what she Free.
Not fun being out of your element.
Not fun being made to get up, get dressed when you might prefer staying in your bathrobe relaxing.
My sister use to work in an elderly place and just so she would have time to get everyone bathed or showered, she would have to wake people up starting 5 in the morning. Would you like someone coming to your room, waking you up at 5 AM telling you morning, it's time for your bath?
If your not sure, ask yourself if you'd rather be there or in your own home?
Ask the place if you can put a camera in your mom's room so you can view and hear first hand,, how shes doing anytime you want 24 7 from your cell or computer.
I installed Nest Cameras which work great and pretty easy to install in my Dad's house so I could see how he and the Caregivers interacted.
Most Senior Homes are understaffed and your just another patient to them.
If an animal at the Zoo that's in the most beautiful cage and space you've ever seen could talk, would they say it's great, I would rather be here than wild and free. I don't think so.
Mout people do better in their own home where they feel more loved, happy and safe.
you’re feeling a lot of guilt thinking
she should be home with you. We’ve all been there but we need to
come to realize when it’s way more than we can handle . Admit that !!
there’s no good solution for this .and
it Has to work for both of you !!
I felt same everyday my husband was in care .. you’re probably perfectionist. But you need to realize that
you’re doing the very best you can ..
she’s well cared for .. safe… and happy . What more can you want.
huge blessing that she loves being there (that may change .. be prepared) visit often .. take her outings .. bring food small gifts and enjoy her without all the grunt work
bad behaviours and boredom.
by the way this forum helps way more than psychologist so save your $ .
Best luck
Currently you are suffering from a mixture of relief/grief. Relief that she is being well cared for and has settled well, and grief that you have lost her - it can feel as though someone has died because they are not in the same life as before, or you know she will never come out.
We have to come to terms with these things. Life has changed, but as you become used to the situation you will feel better. For now don't worry about the crying it is a very normal way to relieve emotion. Hugs to you as you go through this change in your life. Be happy for Mum that she is comfortable, has company and has settled in.
Know that you are still your mother's caregiver - your role is just different - you are now her advocate to make sure she gets what is needed. You again get to be her daughter when you visit. You no longer have the stress of the day to day care of mom but have a team of caregivers around the clock trained to care for mom.
Be kind to yourself; may you be blessed with peace, grace, joy and love.
This winter and spring were intense as my brother had two brain surgeries for cancer, and then for two months bounced around hospitals and nursing facilities when he developed an infection and later Covid. I realized cancer treatment would not be successful so finally made the decision to put him in hospice. I also found a much better nursing facility too. Once he was settled in with such great care I had a lot less worry. But suddenly I couldn’t get anything done. Then I realized I was very depressed—now the grief was here and I could recognize. Since then I have felt better.
Let the tears come. They’re healing. And what a blessing that your mom is doing so well!
I don’t think any one of us could ever “fully” explain what our caregiving journeys have been like - they are filled with so many different versions of highs and lows - good and bad - and strength and weaknesses. I think you are just actually feeling and going through a lot of the emotions that we as caregivers suppress in order to get done what we have to get done in an often impossible world.
Give yourself this time - let it out - cry - laugh - do something for yourself (which probably feels foreign) - join a support group - find a therapist and take one day at a time. Most of all “Breathe” - and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. Crying is good - it will refresh you and allow you to feel lighter and hopefully strengthen you so you continue to make the best decisions going forward for you both. Biggest hug - and as mom and I sing and say in times when we feel we are a crossroad and not sure where our next path leads - we sing “Every little thing is going to be Alright”. In that moment we are letting go and allowing faith to guide us 🌷
You don't mention how long you've been taking care of your mother, but likely long enough or maybe even a little too long. You probably have a lot of pent up emotions that can finally be expressed. While caring for her, there wasn't time to just sit and let it all out!
There could be any number of reasons for why you are crying. Relief, but feeling guilty for being relieved? Sad because she seems to be doing so much better there than under your care? Realizing this will be the final stage in mom's journey? Feeling alone, a different kind of "empty nest" syndrome?
Go ahead and cry. Get it all out. After a short while, go visit mom. She may express desire to go home, so be prepared with redirection - ask to meet her new friends, join in activities, bring small gifts to distract her, etc. Also have your exit "strategy" prepared. If possible, get her interested in some activity and excuse yourself to use the lady's room, so she won't be begging to go with you and upsetting you.
Try not to feel guilt for feeling relieved. Care-giving for those with dementia IS difficult. I would be SO relieved if my mother had adjusted as well as your mother has! She wasn't too difficult, but so many have a hard time. You are blessed that the transition has gone so well!
Try not to feel like you failed somehow because she seems to do so well there and is relatively happy. They are a team, not one person, managing it all AND have a lot more experience too! You are one person who was struggling to do it all. There is also a lot of activity and distractions to keep her more "occupied", where you had to manage everything yourself AND try to entertain her! Without realizing it, you were probably very stressed, and our emotions, even unspoken, can affect their emotions, so it may be why she exhibited agression.
This is why so often we recommend facilities. So long as we take the time to properly vet the place, it can often be so much better for those with dementia. It is said that socializing and various activities DO help, both in sometimes slowing the progression AND in giving them an outlet for their own needs. Unfortunately keeping a LO home only allows a limited amount of socializing, mostly with the one providing the care, and since we have to manage everything there is less time and energy for coming up with various activities to stimulate them!
It is a sad time when we have to do this, but it is wonderful how well she is doing. There will be more times that you feel like crying, but it should get better over time. Don't repress the tears - they need to be shed. Cry for happy! This is all new to you. What you'd planned as a respite time is likely to become permanent. Look forward to visiting with your mother, being her loving daughter again, instead of a stressed out care-giver. Now you can try enjoying your times together instead of struggling to be Super-Daughter-Care-Giver. Make some wonderful memories for you to cherish!
I know I will cry too; not because he's at MC but because the man i loved and married is gone.
I imagine you are crying because the mother you've known and loved is gone. Never to return. She is in a place where people with much more training and experience will make sure she is safe and cared for. You can now go visit a new friend who just happens to look like your mom. I'm sending you a huge hug
Cry if you need to, that's fine.
"Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
~Rita Schiano
Your mother is safe & having a good time in the ALF. Thank God for that. You're freed up now to live your own life and relax a bit. Thank God for that, too. It's okay to feel relief and cry for IT, too.
Wishing you all the best of luck in this next phase of your life.