Why did everyone leave me when I became disabled and destroy my heart?
My sister refused to come see me when it all started. She lives in Boston where our step family lives who always called me "sister" not step sister. I watched their babies grow and every time I went there they begged me to move there. I always behaved impeccably with them and they really seemed to enjoy me.
Now my blood sister and I have history.
She was rough when we were kids, we had an awful childhood and I would do anything to get here attention. Of course I didn't know that at the time, and for my sister as well, I'm sure no where in her sweet little blonde head was she thinking about hurting me, she was just letting me have it. BUT, when mom kicked me out at 15, I went and lived with a 19 year old who beat the crap out of me for 3 years. Fast forward, My injuries at 52 reared their ugly heads. It took them 8 months to figure out what it was and no one helped me, no one. I HAD friends, then I was no fun.
I was terrified because I couldn't walk sometimes, my hands didn't work, my arms felt like they were on fire and I would randomly drop things, and all sorts of other terrifying symptoms. My sister is a teacher and was off, I begged for her to come out, said I needed her, and yes I have been a pain in the past but I THOUGHT we were past that because were talking and the bad blood was just her usual resentments from me being a lot to handle for several years. But she told me she loved me and missed me all the time. It had been a while since I had seen her and I always flew to Boston so I was BEGGING. I never called her names, never yelled, at best I may have said how can you do this, I need you this is just cruel. I am your only blood sister! And I must mention, I NEVER thought of her and our fights. I have a ton of injuries and I legit forgot about anything but him. Always blamed him when the Doctors asked "what happened to you".
After my meltdown my sister said I was starting to hurt her feelings so she is going to block me. WHAT!!!! NOOOO!!!! Well that was in August of 2023 and it is now June of 2024. I am not rich, I just moved into a brand new apartment could barely wash my hair, disability didn't pay enough.
I have NEVER asked my step family for money. I begged my sister to have an emergency meeting just in case or for her to co - sign for a loan. Nope and Nope. I have borrowed money from my blood sister as has she with me and we are squared. Then everyone else stopped talking to me in Boston as well. They would not take my calls. I deleted their numbers because it was getting pathetic. Everyone including my sister that knows me is aware that I cannot live with out her. She is the end all be all to me and she did take a break from me before and promised all the time she would never abandon me again. She said it a lot. So this means they don't love me? They don't even know where I am. I sold my car to live. They know I am devastated beyond belief from the several thousand texts, calls, and emails before I stopped. They also know I have pretty bad depression. I feel like a worthless animal. How could there be any love for someone, knowing they are suffering in every way shape or form. I feel like what am I even doing? My world has turned completely black. And I just want to know why and to say you know this is pushing me over the edge (my family knows that all I ever wanted was a family). Being disabled is hard, financially impossible and my heart is destroyed. Honestly it has only been not quite a year and there is no way I can do this without my sister. And I have no boyfriend. Just my 17 year old boyfriend cat. I am really scared and devastated.
We do not get to pick our families, but we do get to pick our friends and those we want to spend time with, so instead of spending your time mourning the loss of your "family" try getting out there and make some new friends.
And please get help for your depression and for your past abuse. Until you are healed from that, I don't think you can move forward in a healthy manner, as obvious by your post.
Your only focus right now, should be to get yourself in a better place mentally so you can live and enjoy the only life that God has given you.
There is help out there for you. You can call 211 and see what resources are available in your area for yourself. I'm sure there are a lot. But you have to take the first steps in asking for help from folks other than your family.
It's time to stop being a "victim" and start being a victor. You can do it, but you'll have to put in the hard work.
God bless you.
So sorry that your family is not there for you. Its sad, but that seems to be the way of the world.
Have you tried Senior housing, for low income. They even have buses that take you to the store and stuff.
It's nice to have people there for us, but at the end of the day we really are only responsible for are selves.
I also want to add me and my husband will never co-sign for anyone at anytime. To many people have got burnt by that
Best of luck, if you have any questions on where to get help or how or anything else for that matter ask away. Everyone here has great knowledge on those things, but please let go of your expectations of your family
I have five siblings. I would NEVER co-sign a loan for ANYONE. Your sister is right and she is wise not to. If you can't get by on your disability income learn how to budget your money better. Also, if you are disabled and your income is low enough you qualify for EVERYTHING.
SNAP (food stamps), Medicaid (which you're probably on) rent assistance (Section 8 vouchers), utility help (if you don't already have it included in your rent), homecare aides, Meals-On-Wheels because you are disabled, and Ride Share if for some reason you have to get somewhere and your free home/health aide isn't scheduled that day.
Also, no one is supposed to be living like a king on the disability check. No disrepect to you, but my guess is that you were probably a low-wage earner (if you ever worked at all) so your disability income is not going to be very high. You have to learn how to budget better or move some place cheaper where your disability check will go further.
I am sorry for your health issues. It's unfortunate that you are sick now, but you sound like a toxic person who's burned all their bridges with family. So instead of trying at 52 years old to guilt-trip your family members into giving you money, maybe work to rebuild those bridges you've burned with them. You would probably get a lot of benefit from group therapy. You'd get mental support and socialization. Maybe you'd even make some new friends. If you're religious you could also try joining a church and joining some faith-based groups.
OP remember, "you can't take it with you", so really little reason to aquire a lot of things.
I think that you really are in need of some medical help now. Sometimes medication can help you with depression in a manner that builds a bridge. Combined with a bit of therapy or even support from online friends, a Forum for those with depression (Facebook is FULL of them) can help add to the comfort and strength of medication.
If you are well and able enough, helping others builds esteem and brings joy. In our 80s we still are working with dog rescues. You might foster kittens with some support?
I encourage you to reach out to your local council on aging to ask for resources to help you give voice to your pain, but I encourage you to make goals that go beyond your pain and disability.
Find things that bring you peace. Raise african violets in the window. Foster kittens. Write letters. Knit. Find a faith based community if you are a believer. Journal. Collage the journal. See your MD, see a physical therapist, make yourself you best self. Set reachable goals.
Our minds are creatures of habit. Stay in that bad place we tread the same sad path over and over like the old mill wheel horse finally let out to pasture who trudges his sad circle round a tree because it is so engrained.
I wish you luck. We have no magic her at all. But if you read you will see that you are not alone in trying to deal with the woes of this world.
And truthfully, Sadlonely, in order to receive help we must GIVE. We have to be engaged. People here are giving you some thoughts. I will be interested to see if you respond to those thoughts. On Forum we daily get long litanies of woe, we plug away here to answer, we never hear back a thing. To me that means that the OP (original poster) just wanted/needed a good weep, a good venting. And that's fine. But it doesn't help too much at all.
I wish you the best.
While doing those things can be beneficial, they are hardly the best thing for depression. Genuine clincial depression doesn’t care what you do or think. It is not a matter of just getting a better attitude. It is a medical condition that needs medical treatment. Going for a walk in the sun isn’t going to fix it, and this is the wrong (and dangerous) thing to tell someone who is suffering! Depression isn’t something you can wish away.
I think it's easy to befriend someone when they're on top - it takes nothing....but the true test of one's character and is being there to catch you when you fall. Not all friends or family sadly match up to that - but the right friends can become family. And for now, your 17 year-old cat looks adorable in the photo, so I hope he brings you solace.
You asked about your sister - you said that "she's taken a break from you before and that she promised all the time she would never abandon you again." Sister relationships are very layered and not always smooth and she's probably on another break - and she'll return again. The best thing that you can do in the interim is to put that aside for now and work on doing the best that you can do for yourself - to build yourself up - for your mind, body and spirit.
Take small steps - lots of self care - be kind to yourself - have hope ....things WILL get better.
Wishing you all the very best for continued strength and healing - and for much happiness to come - You deserve it ~
I had a little bit of trouble following the full path of your post - but it boils down to the fact that you have an expectation of your sister to step in and manage what is happening to you. Even so far as co-signing a loan for you. That's not a small request. We told our adult daughters (early 20s) that we would do a lot of things for them - but co-signing was not ever going to be on the table. I'll tell you what we told our oldest when she asked. It doesn't mean that we don't trust her to make the payments - it means what if something happens and she CAN'T make the payments - it then becomes OUR responsibility to make those payments ourselves. It's not just a signature that looks good to lenders to help you qualify. She would be responsible for making those payments if you were unable to do so. And from what you have stated, it's entirely possible that she felt you wouldn't be able to maintain making payments and it would fall to her.
Family is important. Blood family, chosen family. And yes most healthy families are able to step in and help each other in emergencies. But it generally isn't something that they can sustain permanently without some kind of plan.
You stated that you have severe depression - informed your family with THOUSANDS of texts before you stopped that you needed help. You were in crisis mode and I totally understand that you were doing damage control for your own life. Shoe being on the other foot though - sometimes as the person who is doing the caregiving, if you don't set boundaries (hard boundaries) you become the only solution that a person looks for.
Here are my thoughts for what they are worth.
1. Find a mental health professional or doctor who can help you with your depression. Sometimes you literally cannot move forward and make good choices because you are bogged down in the rabbit hole of depression and can't find the exit. Getting some therapy and possibly medications to help with the depression might make it easier for you to plan your own path.
2. Stop expecting your sister to be your everything. She can't. You have to do that for yourself. That is too much of a responsibility for another person.
3. It is not her responsibility to fix this for you. From what you have said you are physically disabled and have depression. You are mentally competent to make decisions to help yourself.
4. Stop associating love with being able to help you navigate this. Just because someone isn't able to jump in and help does not equate to their love for you. Consider the reverse. What is on their plate?
5. Take steps to find the resources local to you that can help you on this path. The great caregiver question we always ask - What would your plan be if your sister was no longer here? Morbid, yes, but also realistic because something like 40% of caregivers predecease their loved ones. Plan for your life as if your sister doesn't exist. What is step 1? Step 2?
6. There is no way you CAN'T do this without your sister. You have to pick yourself up and make a plan because she is letting you know she can't be the solution. You have to accept that and move forward.
This is a huge change for you. But you can do this.
I feel like you are playing the victim too much, I get you have this and that and life is hard. But you want people to feel sorry for you, the poor me stuff. You have to take responsibility for yourself . Look things in a positive way. No you don't have someone to cosign for you but be happy for what you do have. Even if you start small. Write down 10 things every day that your happy for.
Like sitting here right now I'm happy I have hummingbirds at there feeder, they make me happy.
When you start to do that your positive think comes back.
Good points. However some people are what I call professional victims. These kinds of people cannot accept any responsibility for their own lives. They aren't honest with themselves and until they are their lives will never change. They live in denial and blame all their problems on everyone else. Hence, professional victims.
Wallowing in self-pity is easier than working hard to make a life for yourself. Victimhood and denial are easier than fighting like hell to overcome depression and anxiety.
The OP wants a better life for herself and that's understandable. She wants other people to get it for her. She wants everyone else to do the hard work to give her a better life. It doesn't work like that. When a person finally stops living in denial and gets truly honest with themselves, that is when they change their lives themselves.
What is your current treatment for the depression?
What took 8 months to figure out?
Are you physically handicapped and unable to work?
Asked 3 min ago
In response to comments form my original post. I cannot figure out how to respond.
I am definitely taking my post down, I haven't commented because I had shots in my hands and they were so swollen and I have not been able to type for a few days, But I will remove it because if it is frowned upon not to respond asap then probably not a good idea because I wasn't planning to not respond, it just happened because my hands were jacked up, and yes, I am depressed but certainly not a victim. In my opinion victims don't fight for themselves. Like I said, 8 months alone not complaining just pushing doctors until finally a surgeon realized that I had to have two discs replaced. Unfortunately, this was overlooked by my primary and the first surgeon I went to but I didn't just stop and give up. I was actually asking if it was a "thing" for people to run from you or if injury makes people uncomfortable. I was not looking for sympathy. I briefly scanned through comments. Yes, I am being treated for depression, I know 211 very well and I pushed hard to get into the department if rehabilitation and got in and have been approved to work with them to be placed in an appropriate job. I apologize if I made it sound like I was just sitting here crying and doing nothing. I have never worked so hard in my life!
It's clear to see that you're far from a "victim".... in fact, with all of the efforts and hard work that you're putting in, you are actually on your way to being "Victorious!" :)
My husband has been taking care of me this whole time, thank God. I can do more now than in the early days, so I'm not a complete vegetable anymore.
Friends and family started out being concerned and interested in me, but some never called even ONCE. Friends who live 6 doors down, for instance. Who see dh and don't even ASK about me, after 20 years of friendship. Family members who have never once come to see me in 17 months, who live 15 and 20 minutes away. People run from crisis sometimes, it's what they DO. Unfortunately.
Very few people REALLY want to know how I'm doing, including my oncologist, who called me yesterday and when I told him I feel like I'm sliding downhill, said, "well, there are people who get permanent diabetes from immunotherapy." The only thing he neglected to say was, "just be happy you're ALIVE," Which MANY people do say to me, as a way to minimize and dismiss the fact that the quality of my life has been blown to smithereens, in SPITE of the fact I'm still alive. For now. My mother used to have vertigo and would throw herself on the floor as a reaction to it. Imagine having a severe case of it for 17 months? But hey, I'm alive. As if it's too much to hope for a decent quality of life w/o cancer, huh?
People AND doctors want to hear we're Fine. You know, when someone asks offhandedly How Are You? But they don't REALLY want to know? They expect to hear Just Fine And You? Anything more is an infringement of THEIR peace of mind and unacceptable. It's bothersome to think someone else may be suffering and you don't really give a flying fig.
I get where you're coming from, but others do not. Empathy is only earned thru scar tissue, my friend. We on forum only know a tiny piece of your story, and are in no position to judge you in any way, that's the truth.
You CAN do this w/o your sister. I hope you don't have to, but you may. You'll find out what you're really made of, and it's more than you think!
You're not a Professional Victim, which is such an insulting thing to say! You are looking for kindness and human decency which is rare to find these days.
I send you my support and my hope for a brighter future ahead for you. Hang on tight and God bless you.
Your compassion and honesty are so refreshing! Never stop being the wonderful woman that you are.
For what it’s worth, when I read your post, I didn’t see you as someone who was looking for sympathy.
This forum is here to offer support to caregivers. whether you are caring for yourself or caring for others.
Everyone’s has their own individual circumstances. We process and cope with things differently.
Even if it may be hard for others to understand your situation, no one should presume they know what is best for you.
Nothing is resolved overnight. It can take a while to process everything and work on a solution.
I wish you peace.
I have thought long and hard overnight about your unhappiness with the answers you received from Forum. In truth, I felt "guilty" that I had been hard on you. I re-read all posts on the thread.
The title of your question to us in exact words was:
"Why Did Everyone Leave me When I Became Disabled and Destroy My Heart?"
I repeat. "DESTROY MY HEART". THAT was the "trigger" for me.
You came to a forum of strangers to accuse your family of a sort of destruction and abuse of you while you're ill, helpless, and sad. And I am supposing you didn't go to them with that question.
You told us your family will not accept your calls. When that happens it usually means either
1. They're tired of hearing the same things, feel helpless, and are too cowardly to just say what they're thinking. 2. Or, they're evil human beings.
If the latter's true, that would answer your question.
I think we answered you fairly in a variety of ways with good and decent advice, and suggestions for possible change. You hadn't told us you might be unable to answer a few days; then you DID!
You took offense, felt unjustly accused, and you decided you wished to leave this Forum. I've no doubt some of us are next on the list of people who wish to DESTROY your heart.
To be honest, I WAS upset by the tone of your initial question. I can't imagine writing such a question. Are you asking: "My family's Not There For Me; WHY?" or are you asking "My Family Won't Help Me; Are They Evil?". To those we may have said "You know them better than we do" or "ASK them".
But, to accuse people of participating in the destruction of your heart sent me into an overdrive of surmising that "There may be more to this story". Now I feel like a destroyer of hearts; and I am not accepting the award.
Basically, I hope you'll look at yourself when you consider your family. And us, the responders to your question. Truly do ask the question why they have moved from you. You have spoken of a difficult childhood. They're victims of that, too. Perhaps they have many problems of their own.
Perhaps they feel helpless to help. Perhaps they feel they TRIED to help, and it was no help.
Whatever their reasons, they are the keepers of the keys, not us.
You may leave this Forum. If you do, then I am certain some of us will be labeled destroyers of an innocent and hurt heart. But your question will likely stay; I hope it does, because I believe it and the responses to it are more universal than we can know. It can be of great value to others.
I sense anger, and it's an anger you've a right to--illness is hard to take and MANY on this forum have personal battles with it. Chronic pain is horribly depressing. Many of us deal with illness; are working hard, have suffered MDs and families not always there for us. Many of us will not recover fully. Many of us will die of our diagnosis.
I encourage you to find Lea's (Lealonni1) "Discussions" thread (she's been truly supportive of you here) about the last years of her life, helping hubby through a liver transplant, then facing down her own malignant melanoma battle that gave her an estimate of MONTHS to live. Her courage is there throughout months of grueling treatment and side effects, and she is HONEST to her core about what helped and what devastated her further. It is raw. It is funny. It's one of the most honest things I have ever read, and I do memoirs almost exclusively. It is loaded with bravery. And it mourns losses. It's about the ways in which loved ones let us down and about their amazing courage. It's about virtually CRAWLING out to an estate sale where there good glitter and bling to be had. I believe it would astound you. I believe she would inspire you. If you cannot find the threat let us know and we will search it up for you.
I wish you nothing but good luck.