Why do grown children ignore their parents?

I haven't followed this thread or read all the answers, so I apologize if my post covers comments already shared. But I think the problem of family interaction and support isn't just with grown children and parents. It can be between parents, between siblings, with siblings ignoring their parents - I think it's an inter-family issue rather than a specific adult children vs. parental issue.

Some families just aren't cohesive, and that's not reflecting blame on anyone. It just is. And it just happens.

@Tothill - yes, I agree, we should all stand up to racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.

I think it's harder when it comes to your family origin, though. The risks are different. I'm not saying these risks shouldn't be braved, because wrong is wrong. But I don't think it's the same as walking into a new situation, with a group of people you have no history with or emotional ties to, and calling them out.

As a child, you have no power over the adults in your life. These are the people who have power over YOU. Your own personal power is something you grow into over time.

And even after you find your power (IF you find it), it doesn't mean you have the power to silence the bigots, because they will always see you as the child they knew and had authority over. Bigots are often bullies as well, so you might've grown up fearing the bully side of them, where a stranger or a newcomer hasn't.

From what you write, your now ex-husband didn't stand up to your in-laws either, or he'd given up trying by the time of this family dinner you describe. He grew up with this, with them. Even if he despised their attitudes, for whatever reason, he kept his mouth shut.

I stood up to my grandfather's bigotry for what felt like my entire life until he died. I was always the only one who ever dared talk back to him. I had small victories of turning him into a blubbering idiot trying to counter my arguments, and subsequently felt smarter than him. But I never really changed him.

Making the decision at 27 to not spend any more holidays around him was personally liberating. But it also meant isolating myself from my entire matri-family for almost a decade's worth of family events - if I was the only one who dared speak up, you can well imagine that no one else was going to change the family traditions to shut him out and include me instead. And sometimes, that was kinda sh***y.

I'm not saying this to discourage people from speaking up. Obviously it's a step I took and I accepted the consequences willingly.  I built my life - and for awhile, my career - on fighting for human rights, and I've never regretted taking a stand.  And I think it's our job to call out our own if we are being genuine about wanting to level the playing field between oppression and privilege.  I'm just saying that doing so means risking something totally different when it comes to our lifelong families.

Rovana, I discovered after I married my ex husband that his extended family were terrible racists. We were at a birthday party in a Chinese restaurant and the uncles started with the racist jokes. I had never met them before and I was horrified. My 6 year old son was there and I was appalled that he had to hear the garbage spewing from their mouths and nobody was saying anything.

Perhaps it is my red hair, but I clearly and calmly stated for all to hear that I was not prepared to listen to their garbage and that they should be ashamed to be speaking that way in front of my son and their grandchildren. I stated that unless they kept a civil tongue, I was leaving the restaurant and I would never sit at a table with them again.

There were plenty of open mouths around the table, no one had ever called into question those bigots and their opinions. After a moment the conversation resume without the nasty talk and I stayed at the table. They never used that language around me again.

In my own home at special meals/occasions, I have no problem telling people that their comments are not welcome and they can leave immediately.

I am always amazed that more people do not stand up for what is right. I would rather eat alone than have to listen to the garbage some people spew.

If someone wants to think that I am rude for standing up against racism, sexism, homophobia etc., that is their prerogative, but I do not need them in my life or my home, why would I want to break bread with them?

Dorianne, you really have a good point - what are we supposed to do when relatives, at say, Thanksgiving dinner, start that stuff? To keep silent seems to me to be cowardly, that is, silence implies consent. So then you speak up against the racism, sexism, etc.. Probably rude, but what is it but cowardice when toxic people pick these circumstances to spew?

Thank you to all for the wonderful answers. I took comfort in the many perspectives shared. Perhaps I need to look to myself and examine "you reap what you sow"?

Families are so tough. And there are so many factors. In my own extended family it was just a case that the grown children had their own kids, own careers and households to maintain. They too wanted to enjoy their own lives and did not want to be held responsible for caring for their elderly parents.

Dorianne,

What you are describing is part of the reason one of my sons refuses to visit his grandfather. When he saw gramps in the hospital post stroke, Gramps was making sexist comments to the female staff, racist comments about his room mate and the non white staff, it was ugly. It had been several years prior to then that he last visited gramps. That trip gramps lost any respect my son may have had for him.

CarlaCB - I actually do have a lot of American friends my age who cut off their parents after the last American election, because of what they (my friends) thought their parents' voting choice meant about their social values. (Not trying to start a political debate here - just relating what I have been told.)

My grandfather and every one of his friends thought nothing of using racial slurs, like the "C" word for Chinese-Canadians (or any kind of Asian person - they couldn't tell the difference and didn't care), the "P" word for Pakistani-Canadians; all Indo-Canadians were "Hindoos," etc.  They even had words for Italians and Hispanics. My mother insulated me so well from that stuff that the first time I heard one of my grandmother's friends use the word "coon," I thought she was talking about a racoon!!  Gays were "abominations," women who were independent were sl**s or b****es.  And so on.  At BEST it was embarrassing to even be seen with them in public. 

I know some people think younger folks are "too sensitive" now, but the need to distance from intolerance is real when older adults are talking smack about our friends, colleagues, partners, and even children.

Dorianne - that's a very good point, and I'm glad you raised it. I don't want to risk tarring all older people with the same brush (my own mother, for all her faults, voted for Bernie), but I think it's pretty common for people of our parents' and especially our grandparents' generations to be much more socially "conservative" than younger people. If they get vitriolic about it, I can see them getting avoided, as well as generally ignored.

I am not sure if this was covered but I don't think it was. A HUGE reason I hear from friends - and something I experienced with my grandparents - is younger people don't want to be around older people with hateful or disrespectful values. Racism. Sexism. Homophobia. Lots of older people don't think they are racist because they're not personally lynching people or using the "N" word - they don't understand what racism is. Some of them are just outright racist and don't care.  Lots of older people don't think of sexism in the same way younger people do, they think it's wonderful that men "help" with the housework and childcare now. And then we have the gays.

I mean, these older people are talking about us, or our friends, when they pile on the hate and disrespect.  Who wants to be around that? 

Truthfully, I refused to spend time with my grandparents because they were so hateful and disrespectful. Lots of their friends thought they were wonderful, generous people, but these old school values ripped my guts open sometimes.  I remember them trying to get me to read out loud a poem they thought was funny, from when the RCMP let Sikhs wear their turbans.  They really thought it was hilarious, but it was a lot of awful noise about curly-toed shoes and garlic and accents.  I hated it, and I hated them for finding it hilarious.

Some parents reap what they sow. If a father hires a lawyer for a deadbeat drug addict dad to sue your own daughter for custody it’s a bit disingenuous to expect her to be at your beck and call in the future.

My Mum has given her friends a song and dance about what a terrible daughter I am, but forgets to tell them the many things that have led to the rift.

Midkid, that won't happen because your kids are functional and your relationship is probably such that they tell you if you over step. So they won't let it build to the toxic level. When one gets to the point of low or no contact, it's because the parent didn't/wouldn't listen to the many requests for change by the adult child. They drive everyone away and then have no idea why no one calls. Profoundly sad.

If you were lucky enough to belong to a family that was mentally healthy and happy and all that--you wouldn't even know websites like this existed. You'd assume that everyone's life was as great as yours. You grow up, part from your parents yet maintain healthy and loving boundaries. Families don't squabble. An aging parent needs helps and it is quietly and lovingly taken care of.

Sounds like fantasyland, I know, but I actually DO know quite a few families just like this. I stand in awe of whatever it is in them that makes them tick. The only thing I can think of is unconditional love--everyone of these families has and demonstrates it to all the members of the family--and beyond.

I'm fortunate enough to see them as examples of how I wanted my family to be raised. So far, so good. Of course the teen years were rough, but all my kids are happily married and with their own families. Considering what both my hubby and I came from, as examples, it shouldn't be this way--we are just supremely lucky to have realized a LOT of the dynamics from each of our families was sick and wrong. We've worked hard not to make the same mistakes.

I could be wrong, It could totally be luck. (we both had very troublesome mothers who left us each with a lot of emotional scars. Needless to say, they are not on our top list of priorities, simply b/c they are just too toxic to have around. Sad, very sad. I hope I never get referred to as "toxic". Or one of my kids freezes me out permanently.

I think in the parent/child relationship, it's NOT a child's job to be attentive to the parent. It's the child's job to develop life skills and use those skills to become a productive and independent person. Once being an adult, the child will likely continue focusing forward on their own life. I don't think any adult child will be around a parent very often unless they are needy financially or emotionally. I don't know what you think "ignoring" is, but if an adult child calls once or twice a week, visits on occasion and remembers your birthday and special occasions I think it's OK.

One thing you learn in an alcoholic family is Never Talk About Home Life Outside the Home. It's actually a family rule.

So most people have no idea what really went on in my home. People think my mother is such a sweet old lady, but they have no idea she is really a demagorgon.  I'm here, doing this, but I don't blame my brother at all for staying away. 

To partially answer your question Staceyb, yes i believe my siblings were spoiled by them. My parents were always trying to help out in my sibs lives...loaning money, babysitting grandkids, helping out where they could. Perhaps they only saw the relationship one sided...what they can do for them.

Once the dynamic changed when they were the ones that needed to give (even a little)...cant deal. Possibly their "love" for them was indeed conditional.

(Im commenting on my scenario only)

Ignoring elderly parents is not necessarily a bad thing. If, for example, your parents ignored you, were verbally or ohysically abusive to you, or were rude, hostile, self-serving or a pain in the keister, you, too would avoid them like the plague. Instead of judging the adult children you know, you should have spent the past 50-60 years in their shoes first. I guess I'm basically saying, you probably don't have a clue what the adult child has already put up with. Ignoring my parents and my Mother-in-law were for self-preservation. It was the only smart thing to do! An adult child can only be insulted, harassed, spat on or hit so many times. 

Each family dynamic is different. Some have the financial means to quit their job and care for their loving parent. Or if still working, siblings take turns and offer respite to the primary caregiver. In our case, our 86 year old mother has NPD with Dementia and has always been demanding and treated us as her servants. She has assigned POA - both medical and financial to my eldest brother and a sister, and she makes their life hell. She is sneaky, hateful, and slants her stories according to which sibling she is talking to which results in miscommunication and hurt feelings. She is by no means neglected. We all jump through hoops for her. However, she is jealous if we socialize, take a short weekend trip, go visit friends, etc. To top that off, she has BULLIED my youngest brother - who has the most caring and gentle heart of all - to live with her and help her pay her bills. He has never married and has been enmeshed with her his entire adult life. She wants to call the shots and tell us what to do, yet she can hardly walk, gets confused easily, and has no sense of direction. Her doctor told her she could no longer drive and she told him, "Well I can still drive to the hairdresser!" We are tired of the battle and praying for the day she goes to Assisted Living/Nursing Home.

I think this is a good place to once again recommend the book "Being Mortal."

I think a key word is seemingly. People don't owe others an account of their abuse, so very often we don't know why they have severed or limited contact. There maybe other factors, including mental illness, that cause a break. There may be physical or cognitive limitations on the adult child. It might be possible from for someone to care for a parent while undergoing seven surgeries themselves, but an adult with CP or SP or MD, who is unable to stand or feed themselves, can not, through love and willpower suddenly gain the abilities to do so. My younger daughter will herself, need adult supervision through out her life. Much as we wants to care for me, she will not suddenly be able to balance a check book, pay bills, drive me to doctors' appointments, know when there is a medical crisis. I certain don't consider that being unable to prove care, FOR ANY REASON, should be considered as rejection ones parents. And I may be in the minority her, but I'd rather seen my mother in a skilled nursing facility (if the time ever comes) that suffering because I don't have the training to prove care for her. Some people here seem to equate anything other than home care as dumping and abandoning their parent or other loved one. My mother and I cared for my father at home until we could no long turn him, even working together. (My mother was 80 with bad arthritis; I was having PT because of damaging my back lifting wheelchairs--his and my daughter's--in and out of cars.) At that point, we just dumped into hospice--my mother stayed with him 24 seven, until he died 13 days later, and did what nursing care she could for him. I was there when my daughters weren't in school, and after a week, when it wasn't visiting hours at the psychiatric facility where my older daughter was in-patient after a psychotic break in which she was planning to fly (by flapping her arms) to New York where she would live with some people she hadn't yet met -- people who didn't exist--who were waiting to be her friends and take care of her). I admire people who by will power and love are able to these things, while the weak and unloving among us just dump our parents and walk away.

There are those on this forum who have actually given up paid employment, moved across the country, neglected their own families and their physical and mental heath in order to provide care for their parents; to me it doesn't matter whether this is done because of love and devotion or because of pathological enmeshment, it is wrong to completely give up your life in order to serve the needs of another (especially when there are often other options available). I was able to be a hands on caregiver because I had no career and no family commitments, and I can visit my mother daily because I have failed to move on to establish a life for myself since she has had to be in the NH. So there are those who give too much, and those who never even give a thought... each end of the spectrum equally dysfunctional.

Family dynamics are so complicated. But, yes, you often "reap what you sow". Families who are loving and giving and supportive can still have one or more members who simply cannot face the illnesses of parents, perhaps because it forces them to confront their own mortality. Sometimes there are real or perceived wrongs that drive family members away. And families rarely live in close proximity to each other. I am a full time caregiver for my husband with rapidly progressing dementia. It is my second marriage and two of his three adult children are very attentive, while the third, with his wife and adult daughter are only around for getting birthday gifts and dessert and gifts at Christmas. They have their own separate lives with the wife's family who strongly disapprove of divorce. It saddens me that their relationship is so shallow, and I know this son loves his dad, but the ties are much stronger to his in-laws, so we accept it. The support from his other son and daughter does help. His daughter is a a social worker/home planner at a hospital and wants us to move closer to her, which is our plan for next year.  As for my three kiddos, one son lives with us which is helpful for planning because his work schedule is flexible. He is divorced and we have nice weekend visitations with his four year old daughter. My other son has a demanding full time job and joint custody of two wonderful teenaged daughters. They live an hour and a half away and they, too, have their own lives. We rarely see them, but there is much love there. My daughter lives across the country in New York, but is a tremendous emotional support. I know that this is a long long answer, but I write it because though there is love, there is also a tremendous sense of isolation and loneliness and a deep feeling of hopelessness. It is important to get involved with a resource support group. There are grants available for respite care. It's not a lot, but it can help. I wish you moments of peace.

KatieKay, we all hear, and way to often here on the AC forum,  of this "Complete Relationship Breakdown" such as yours (my husband's too) and I cannot wrap my head around it, where kids just turning their back on their parent's, who come from seemingly normal childhoods? I'm sorry you and your parents have been let down by them! I don't get it, it saddens me, and puts such an incredible burden on you, the one who did bother to stick around. Perhaps there were other factors at play. Were they spoiled throughout lives by your parents or new spouses, did drugs or alcohol issues come into play? Was there mental illness or personality disorders, making it so stressful that they had to set boundaries or walk away? Were there jealousy issues at play between siblings or other strained inter-relationships between them and you, where your parents took sides, Huge success that went to their heads?  New spouse, their families (push me/pull you), kids, jobs, relocation, divorce?  IDK, I'm grasping at straws, but I am Sorry for you and others who have to go it alone, where throughout your life, you had always thought that this would be a responsibility shared between you, it's unfortunate. Life is Hard! As the spouse in a Dysfunctional Family situation, where my husband (like you) was the one who ended up taking on all of the parental old age responsibilities, it is super hard to understand, as often the dynamics run deep and are difficult to explain even . Take Care.

There are justifiable reasons to break ties with parents.. but there is also the scenario of the children moving away from the parent for selfish reasons.

My situation for example, my siblings were a big part of my parent's lives when things were good and my parents were actually there for them. They visited, sent cards, called, shared vacations.. they cared and my parents cared for them. (or so it seems)

Now that things aren't so good and my parents aren't in a position to reciprocate their gestures.. my siblings have dropped them from their lives. They no longer call on holidays, no more cards, no more visits.. they no longer exist to them. Even the smallest gesture would mean so much now.

They have not been asked to give up their lives for them ... just the small gestures that would mean so much have been dropped.. basically they don't exist to them anymore.

In my mind, I can't imagine completely dropping out of your parents lives when they had a good relationship with them before. So sad.. how do they justify it?

That’s a pretty generalized statement. Not all grown children ignore their parents. I’ve known people who take care of parents and even in-laws in their own homes and basically give up their lives for these people, even if the people treat them like dirt.

On the other hand, speaking from experience, I know that sometimes the elders who treat and have treated their children poorly wind up, in their advanced years, more or less cast aside by their children when the kids get old enough to move out and on. Since we haven’t been a part of these kid’s lives, it’s not for us to judge them for not being the model caregiving child. I guess it might be partly revenge for years of mistreatment and partly a sense of freedom and independence from someone who quite possibly made their kid’s lives miserable and still are.

There are two sides to every story. It may be that the child is very busy, barely have time for their own lives, let alone the life of their parent. Parents should not expect children to read their minds and hearts. Both parties are adults. Communicate like adults.
My in-laws are lovely people that lived only 5 minutes away for many years. However, they never made an effort at meaningful contact with my children when they were little. They only saw the grandkids at family events that we orchestrated. They now wonder why the grandkids don’t come see them.
You must be honest and offer times and invite your child to come share a meal. They cannot know that you feel ignored if you are simply waiting for them to notice.

Babydoll62 - it is nice you had your time with mom. My husband and i work full time and have a child. His parents are always expecting us to fly across country, pay for the ticket, and do stuff they don't want to pay for - gutters, fall yard work, window washing etc. They don't want to pay for it so they expect it to be our issue. They refuse to move to a single story senior residence - they have stairs all over and limited mobility. At various times they have expected us to quit busy careers, sell our house, yank our son out of school and move across country to live with them to take care of them. Are we selfish for saying "NO"? Unfortunately - elder care wishes and demands often are more than the children can handle - are we abandoning them when we suggest they expand their options and look to pay $20 for the neighbor kid to rake? Also - neither my husband nor I can afford to quit our jobs - so staying home full time taking care of elders is just not possible - are we being selfish? Glad things were so rosy for you - but not everyone is local, can quit work.

I don't know about anyone else, but when I was growing up we were a little on the poor side and my Moma was a little rough on me. She thought that all girls (just like all other Moms that had little girls in the 50's) should be in the kitchen learning how to cook and then the rest of the time learning how to clean up the house, ironing sheets and pillow cases, learning how to crochet--which I did at 13 and still do!! But on Sundays I wanted to hang out with my daddy and watch football. I felt like that was my time with him and besides I liked football. I didn't want to be in the kitchen all day cooking and washing dishes missing football and my time with daddy. So I asked Moma one day why we couldn't start cooking Sunday dinner on Saturday. We always liked left overs really good anyway. So we did compromise during football season and cook on Saturday for Sunday. That way all we had to do was put it in the oven and heat it up and make the biscuits. Everybody was happy and it didn't take as long to do the dishes.
Later on in life, daddy passed away with a sudden heart attack 2 weeks to the day after their 50th Anniversary. I had a very loving family. Growing up, watch my parents hug and kiss each other, and my Aunt and Uncles doing the same. I was a very Blessed little girl growing up. (Except having to wash all of those dishes ;) Later on in my grown up life, I was Blessed even more when I was able to take care of my sweet Moma in her last days. She had Alzheimer's and I wasn't about to put her in a Nursing home, or Assisted living home or anywhere else. As long as I had breath in my body, and strength in my soul, she was going to stay at home where she recognized everything. Over the years, I had 7 back surgeries and I had developed COPD. I wasn't in the best of shape, but I had God on my side and I knew He wouldn't fail us. So I moved in with her. The hardest thing was watching her and seeing her go through the different stages. It broke my heart. But at least at home she was eating my cooking, and if she was in a Nursing Home, she wouldn't be eating at all. I took care of her, bathed her, washed her hair, rolled it, we danced in her early stages, we sang, we crocheted in her early stages, cooked for her, I did anything that she wanted me to do. She had 5 siblings to pass away within a year of each other of Alzheimer's right before Moma passed away. Moma stopped eating on Dec. 23rd 2009 and passed away on Dec. 26th 2009 while I was holding her hand talking to her. She was so peaceful when the Angels came and took her to Our Awesome God. I miss her so much.
And to answer your question, ''Why do grown children ignore their parents''? Lord I wish I knew so we could patent it and put it in a bottle. They always seem to have an excuse. I know times have changed. But if they would keep their own children from getting on all of these games, (which to me aren't anything but mechanical babysitters) and on the computer, and put a good book in their hands, make them go outside and learn how to play good wholesome games, the parents might see a difference in their children. I tell my daughter this all the time. One of her sons is bored to pieces. He wants to know what he can do. He tries to play basketball, but he gets bored playing that by himself after a while. Boredom leads children to do all kinds of things that parents don't want to talk about or face.
I'm so Thankful that I was close to my parents. They were strict, and when they (Moma) said something she meant it. Daddy wasn't quiet as bad. I knew that I was loved very much and that my parents loved each other very much. My big brother was 4 years older than I was and he was a big bully. Beating on me all the time when I became a teen-ager. Then I learned how to fight back and he left me alone. We had a lot of good times together especially with trains.
Love your family with all of your heart regardless of the situation. Life is way too short to worry about the little things. You never know what might happen tomorrow.

Because, long gone are the days of 65 retirement of golfing and traveling. People are having to work into their seventies to live in today's economy. Longevity has put a strain on the american way of life. Elderly care is becoming more expensive as vultures look to profit off the aging population. Family dynamics have changed immensely since the 1960's. I could keep on going. There is no one answer and very few solutions.

Another question to ask might be "Why do parents drive their grown children away?"