I’ve done everything I can for her as her Power of Attorney and am the ONLY person that didn’t walk away when she was hospitalized 3 months ago. I’ve arranged the best care I can find for her. She is bedridden, incontinent, diabetic and on continuous oxygen. She cannot go home. I’ve taken care of her home repairs, bills, car…you name it. Her care has become my second full time job. She is my aunt, not my mother. She led a selfish lifestyle. At 86, she never planned for long-term care. So here we are. Everyone has an opinion but has done nothing to help. I’m overwhelmed every single day. All of her so-called “friends” have never done a thing. They all backed away when she got sick. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?
I would get comfortable with the non-answer answer.
Just say 'Thanks for your input, I'll take it into consideration.' And then go ahead and do whatever you feel is best!
Sorry this has fallen on you. Sending well wishes to YOU.
They will only judge and say what they want till you are harsh and shut it down. Then they will stop. Or shut off all contact.
If they are allowed to get away with saying whatever they want, they will continue, until you've had enuff. Let them know you are done. But you have got to stand up on your end and say enuff. Good luck.
I used to be a go along to get along person until I took care of my dad. I came out really strong. And, maybe this will help...all those people came while he was dying and wanted to help. NOPE. I chose who could be there. Period end of discussion. This was my Daddy's end of life, and I wanted it to be as sacred as possible.
I hope this helps. From where I'm sitting, I want to reach out and slap those people for you, but you are going to have to find some support that you trust, and let them stand with you.
My sister made a comment about how it looked like a lot of sugar for a diabetic. Arguably, she might be right, but my mom’s glucose is well regulated with Metformin and mom is 88.
I told my sister that I had no intention of micromanaging mom’s diet, and that if my sister thought she wanted to work with the caregiver to manage it, she was welcome to help. Haven’t heard a peep from her, since.
For the record, my mom never had a good diet and is probably eating more regularly and healthier now that someone is preparing her food. I don’t see it as my responsibility as her POA to provide her a better diet that she had for herself. Just want her to enjoy her meals.
But, lets face it, with your health problems, you should not carry this burden, it is not your fault, your aunt did not save for her retirement. You have already helped her a lot, time for others to step in or taking legal action.
crows arent worth your time and will be visited by Karma when they need help someday.
Anything you choose to do for another should be met with an appreciation of the time you are willing to donate for another's benefit, not a criticism concerning what more might be done.
I did not do as much for my mother in her final years as my sisters did. I did what I felt I could do for her without doing damage to myself. In the end, my sisters were happy for what I was willing to do even though they would have liked more help. They did what they were willing to do and I did what I was willing to do. Ultimately, whatever we do must be enough because that is all we can do. You should not do damage to your own health or mental well-being in caring for the dying. Who will care for you if you do? Certainly not those who would criticize you.
Check with local authorities about medicaid beds for your aunt and what kind of spending down of her estate will need to be done for her to qualify for medicaid-funded nursing care. You have done all you can. I do respect you and honor you for having done all you can do, but if you are asking this question you are on the edge of total burnout and you really need to step back from some or all of the burden of caregiving for your own health. Bless you for trying so hard. There are many of us who know the frustration of meeting our own limits. We understand. Please take care of yourself. We understand that, too.
It would depend on the circumstances, but if someone doesn't like what you are doing, either tell them to pound sand or just tell them to do it.
You know that you have done what you can do. That is perfect. Appreciate yourself, because others may not.
When someone is going downhill, everyone panics. That is natural. They are panicking. Fortunately you have held it together enough to help. That’s why you are the natural POA, not them.
So when they criticize you, be firm. Find strength inside to do your best to not be bothered. Remind yourself that they are criticizing, but not helping
Everytime they call to complain, delegate a task. “So glad you called… can you have dinner with Auntie at the care center next Thursday? Drop off some mail for her the following Wednesday?” For each complaint, assign something. Either the complaints will stop or you will get help.
In your situation I’d be tempted to lean in to the criticisms and suggestions; ask follow up questions and ask for their specific advice. Then agree with them and ask them what they could do to help, because I’m at my limit of what I can do. If they decline or change the subject I’d have some suggestions. And I’d do this every time they started in with the criticism. In other words, I’d have them feeling uncomfortable enough to avoid engaging me on this subject.
I have had friends of hers speak to me as if she is already dead or have expectations of her that are beyond her capacity...I just don't really have enough time for their issues.
Family offers ideas that require more work from me while they do nothing at all. So now I call their bluff..."ok, come and get her" or "get the spare room ready, she's coming to visit." Naturally, as it would require money and effort she is still here.