Why do neighbors, family, friends & even strangers think it’s their place to accuse me of not doing enough for my family member?

Similar story here. For the two friends she has left who have time for her but differ in their tolerance for her capacity, I am appreciative, very understanding of their limits, and vocal in my praise to them for their help.
I have had friends of hers speak to me as if she is already dead or have expectations of her that are beyond her capacity...I just don't really have enough time for their issues.
Family offers ideas that require more work from me while they do nothing at all. So now I call their bluff..."ok, come and get her" or "get the spare room ready, she's coming to visit." Naturally, as it would require money and effort she is still here.

I’m sorry you feel unappreciated for all you are doing for your aunt. If these “friends” are your aunt’s age my guess is that they feel afraid of their own future; a sort of “there but for the grace of God” feeling. They don’t like thinking about being dependent, it’s not so much that you aren’t doing right by your aunt but the loss of independence and control has them terrified. And complaining makes them feel like they are doing something, and in control of something.

In your situation I’d be tempted to lean in to the criticisms and suggestions; ask follow up questions and ask for their specific advice. Then agree with them and ask them what they could do to help, because I’m at my limit of what I can do. If they decline or change the subject I’d have some suggestions. And I’d do this every time they started in with the criticism. In other words, I’d have them feeling uncomfortable enough to avoid engaging me on this subject.

Just answer to yourself.

You know that you have done what you can do. That is perfect. Appreciate yourself, because others may not.

When someone is going downhill, everyone panics. That is natural. They are panicking. Fortunately you have held it together enough to help. That’s why you are the natural POA, not them.

So when they criticize you, be firm. Find strength inside to do your best to not be bothered. Remind yourself that they are criticizing, but not helping

Everytime they call to complain, delegate a task. “So glad you called… can you have dinner with Auntie at the care center next Thursday? Drop off some mail for her the following Wednesday?” For each complaint, assign something. Either the complaints will stop or you will get help.

Tell them they can do it (whatever "it" is). I decided to do just that. My husband's niece told me to just reason with him about spending his money for a caregiver. That is right, "reason" with someone with dementia. I told her I was going to let her do it. I talked to my therapist today and he said he thought it was a great idea to tell her something like this, "Oh, you want me to reason with him and just tell him we are going to use his savings for caregivers? I am going to let you do it."

It would depend on the circumstances, but if someone doesn't like what you are doing, either tell them to pound sand or just tell them to do it.

Nobody is required to care for any other person. At. All. If you choose to do so, I would assume that you do so out of love for your aunt. How much you do for her or why are not anyone else's concern. If anyone is so rude to accuse you of not doing enough, it might be appropriate to respond in the general manner of "Fine. Why don't you take over? I am sure you will do a much better job?" or, maybe, "What day of the week do you wish to take over full care for auntie?"

Anything you choose to do for another should be met with an appreciation of the time you are willing to donate for another's benefit, not a criticism concerning what more might be done.

I did not do as much for my mother in her final years as my sisters did. I did what I felt I could do for her without doing damage to myself. In the end, my sisters were happy for what I was willing to do even though they would have liked more help. They did what they were willing to do and I did what I was willing to do. Ultimately, whatever we do must be enough because that is all we can do. You should not do damage to your own health or mental well-being in caring for the dying. Who will care for you if you do? Certainly not those who would criticize you.

Check with local authorities about medicaid beds for your aunt and what kind of spending down of her estate will need to be done for her to qualify for medicaid-funded nursing care. You have done all you can. I do respect you and honor you for having done all you can do, but if you are asking this question you are on the edge of total burnout and you really need to step back from some or all of the burden of caregiving for your own health. Bless you for trying so hard. There are many of us who know the frustration of meeting our own limits. We understand. Please take care of yourself. We understand that, too.

I guess you might try saying something like"I guess you realized how monumental all her needs now are, so that is why you felt you had to disengage from her and never even visit. I cant do that, so imagine how it is for me." Probably wont sink into their thick skulls but call them out and then state you have nothing more to say to them, or hear from them, until ,and if ,they are ready to offer some concrete financial or physical assistance. God Bless you for,stepping up. Those nosy old sqwaking
crows arent worth your time and will be visited by Karma when they need help someday.

Libster86: Sadly, armchair critics exist. You are doing a wonderful job; ignore such critiques.

You need to tell all those people family, neighbours etc, unless they have something constructive to say and they can follow that by doing something tangible you don’t need and want their advice.
But, lets face it, with your health problems, you should not carry this burden, it is not your fault, your aunt did not save for her retirement. You have already helped her a lot, time for others to step in or taking legal action.

My oldest sister, who is NOT involved with my mom’s care, started making suggestions one day after she saw a photo of my mother’s breakfast that the caregiver had posted. The photo showed my mom with a bowl of oatmeal, a small plate of fresh fruit, and a glass of juice.

My sister made a comment about how it looked like a lot of sugar for a diabetic. Arguably, she might be right, but my mom’s glucose is well regulated with Metformin and mom is 88.

I told my sister that I had no intention of micromanaging mom’s diet, and that if my sister thought she wanted to work with the caregiver to manage it, she was welcome to help. Haven’t heard a peep from her, since.

For the record, my mom never had a good diet and is probably eating more regularly and healthier now that someone is preparing her food. I don’t see it as my responsibility as her POA to provide her a better diet that she had for herself. Just want her to enjoy her meals.

Been there, done that. Stop whatever they are saying, and say, "I can't wait to hear what you have to say, but I need to ask first...what are you willing to do to help?" or better yet, "I'm so covered up just trying to make a living and take care of Mom that I am pretty strapped these days. Are you offering some financial help? Because I could sure use it (then name something). If they say, I might, or I will sometime later, stop them again and say, "I appreciate what you're saying but unless you are here, it's really hard for you to understand. THEN...cut them short with, "Hey! my mom sounds like she just fell, or something that will indicate that you do not have even a minute for yourself". It's HARD, but people don't understand the life or death-ness of the situation. If they are being nosy, you can not feel guilty for cutting them off.
I used to be a go along to get along person until I took care of my dad. I came out really strong. And, maybe this will help...all those people came while he was dying and wanted to help. NOPE. I chose who could be there. Period end of discussion. This was my Daddy's end of life, and I wanted it to be as sacred as possible.
I hope this helps. From where I'm sitting, I want to reach out and slap those people for you, but you are going to have to find some support that you trust, and let them stand with you.

My

Deep breathes. Why not ask all the criticizers to please help out by visiting your aunt wherever she is. You know what you have done single-handedly, I agree it's sad and very hurtful not to be acknowledged for it! We recognize and honor you HERE. Feel free to vent and get support at any time!

When they say something, the first thing you do is say; when you want to step up to take full care of her let me know. I'll hand the reins right over. It has been my full time job. I'll expect you at 7am tomorrow. I bet you you get crickets. And then I would say; until you have stepped up to do it full time, keep your opinions to yourself. They are not wanted. Then silence and a glare.
They will only judge and say what they want till you are harsh and shut it down. Then they will stop. Or shut off all contact.
If they are allowed to get away with saying whatever they want, they will continue, until you've had enuff. Let them know you are done. But you have got to stand up on your end and say enuff. Good luck.

Because those people have pathetic lives and it makes them feel better to invent failures in others. They want to bring others down to their level so that everyone is as miserable as they are. It’s best to ignore them as much as possible. And as someone else mentioned, tell them to

Do what you need to do and make the decisions that need to be made. If the person you are caring for doesn't have bed sores, has food, water and safe then you are doing great. Let them talk and say thank you for the suggestion and keep doing what you're doing. Prayers

tell them to and forget it. I guess MYOB would suffice, but these people really make me so angry that I tend to lose it.

People 'think' their suggestions are helping, but they come across as critical, which is a really terrible thing to do to a caregiver, who is already over-burdened with responsibility.

I would get comfortable with the non-answer answer.

Just say 'Thanks for your input, I'll take it into consideration.' And then go ahead and do whatever you feel is best!

Sorry this has fallen on you. Sending well wishes to YOU.

It’s maddening. Every mouth has an opinion but lacks hands with action. Hugs to you

Unfortunately, those with difficult personalities and poor health habits often drive away friends and family with their problem behaviors. DO NOT listen to those who do not help. Consider streamlining your aunt's belongings and care so your second job can become more of a part time job.

Be proud of yourself for doing so much for your aunt. Ignore the criticisms. It's easy to be a critic, and very difficult to be a caregiver as you are. She should not be living at home. She's at the point where she needs to be in assisted living. Connect with a social worker to discuss what her options are. Much will depend on her financial condition. As POA, you can sell the house and car to pay for her care. Do what you can to simplify her life and make your caregiving more bearable for you. I set up online access for all of my aunt's (and mother's) accounts and set up autopayments where I could. At this point, all bills should come to you, not go to her home address. All the best to you and your aunt.

It's very common among elderly people for their "friends" to back away when one of the group gets sick or needs care. Elderly people who are in good health and still enjoying life do not want to get themselves caught in the caregiving net. That's perfectly understandable.
Who knows one of those extremely rare seniors who don't offer their totally unsolicited opinion and two cents on anything and everything?
If you actually do know one then you've got a unicorn right there.
Family who do nothing always offer their advice and will often demand hourly updates on the condition of their beloved relative This is for show. If they are not willing to take on any of the care burden for the elderly "loved one" they are not owed an explanation. If you have relatives who live a far distance away but want to keep them updated, start a group text. This is what I did when my father was sick and I was his POA. I updated the text at my leisure and that was it. I did not take questions. My siblings were totally cool with it and did not criticize one thing I did. They didn't want anything or expect any inheritance and were grateful to not have to handle any of it.
Your aunt belongs in a nursing home. How can someone in her condition be properly cared for at home unless you get very lucky and find some serious homecare CNA's and can arrange them 24-hours a day?
Even then, she likely needs more care then can be done in the home.
Send an email out to your family and your aunt's friends and tell them this. Her elderly friends might not have email so write up a newsletter and send it to them. Let them know that she cannot be cared for at home and if by the Grace of God she improves and does not have to live the rest of her life in a nursing home, she will go to an AL facility or into a senior community.
Then include a 'PS'. It should read as follows:

Ps. None of this is up for discussion. No one needs or will benefit from your two-cents and unsolicited advice.
If any of you think you can do better, I will gladly turn the POA (Power of Attorney) for Aunt ______ over to you and with my blessing. Thanks.

This should do it.

You can't worry about what others think. I know...easier said than done sometimes, but it is so necessary to let things roll off of your back. You know you are doing the best you can and without you she would more than likely be a ward of the state if there truly is no one else to manage her care. Ignore their comments or better yet, block their calls if you must.

I have found that most of the folks giving their opinion have never taken care of an elderly family member and have absolutely no idea what is truly involved.

My mom had a very vulgar saying ...."an opinion is like an , everybody's got one".

The second saying that I've heard is "don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask advice from".

I hope I have given you a chuckle for the day!

I would block all relatives numbers and emails - as far as strangers I’m confused how a stranger would be aware who you are or the circumstances. If a relative somehow contacts you and says anything negative simply say “ what are *you* able to contribute dear?”

I would for you sanity sake consider finding another arrangement a different person to do this, you can legally resign as poa or if that isn’t something you want to do as I said simply block their numbers so they can’t contact and insult you

Hello, just remember people are fickle! As long as your conscious is clear, disregard their opinions! As we all ( should) know we are held accountable for any action not done out of love! From what I’ve read you’ve been exemplary…stay encouraged 💕 and keep showing love and respect! Say to those nay slayers “ if you can do it better than me… here, sign on this dotted line.” Then you can wash your hands and be done😊

Yes the well-meaning relatives that make you feel like the 200% you are giving is not enough.

My elderly aunt once told me the 'cleaning lady' I hired for my father wasn't doing her job. I informed her that I hired a companion for him, not a cleaning lady. And it was only one day not two because my father was too cheap. He was perfectly capable of cleaning his own apartment at the time but his level of cleanliness was not my aunt's. The companion actually did laundry with him every week. My aunt looked at me like I should be cleaning his place. Since he was a man and all. My aunt was a life long housewife who thought that was what women do...take care of men. I had a full time job, my own house, kids and I was spending a lot of time managing my father's life. I was not about to add cleaning his apartment to my list. I will say, she actually did clean it for him once.

Then there is my cousin. She had nothing going on in her life so she tries to latch on to others. I received several urgent messages from her over Facebook, home phone...and the line crosser...my work phone demanding to know what WE were going to do about my father's situation. I have no idea how she got my work phone number. WE weren't doing anything with her in AZ and US in NJ. Unless she was volunteering to run him to his many unnecessary doctor appointments, there was nothing she could do that would make life easier. And I didn't need the added stress of her demanding to know what was going on. I ended up cutting her off. She cried to all our cousins about what a meanie I was...all she wanted to do was help.

'Everyone has an opinion but has done nothing to help. I’m overwhelmed every single day.'

welcome to my world

I've started living this quote:

'Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.'

Richard M. Nixon

Several reasons: 1) Some people just LOVE to tell others what to do and how to do it; 2) Displaced guilt, because THEY aren't doing whatever it is they feel yo should do for her; and 3) Some people actually like to criticize, sort of as a hobby (I know a neighbor, passed on now, who admitted he enjoyed this.) If you're a person of faith, then you know God sees what's what and knows how hard you are working to do what you can for someone who apparently didn't look ahead in her own future. God bless you - she is so lucky to have you!

Good Morning,

At that age most of their friends have passed on. And their friends are people they meet out at places--senior center, etc.

If you find a handful of people to build your care team, this may buy you some time. Although it sounds pretty advanced. We all have those relatives that need help and it's going to be even more so in the future with the high divorce rate in the U.S. and families living farther apart.

If your Aunt is a homeowner, you don't need the long-term insurance just meet with an Elder Lawyer and they will advise you. The long-term insurance is expensive so few people can continue with it because the premiums increase with age.

The hospital Social Worker can help too. You are not a one-man show so to speak.

When you're in your 80's you have all you can do to take care of yourself. This is nothing new caregiving. My mother God Bless Her took care of so many relatives in our home. Looking back, I don't know how she did it.

Sell everything soon. Doesn't sound like she should be driving from what you write. You are not stuck. Your Aunt has resources and you need to do this legally. Sounds like your Aunt needs around the clock skilled care, basically a nursing home.

Just recently a lady from Church told me her relative refused to go to a nursing home. She wants to leave the hospital, signed a form for no medical care, and was assigned a 24-hour hospice worker. Basically she will return home with no extraordinary means but will not die alone as hospice will be by her side. Her family is not in agreement with this but she has the right to make her decision.

These situations are not a one size fits all. Oftentimes the one doing all the work gets all the flack.

The goods news is your Aunt's primary care doctor (PCP) and a Church, hospital chaplain's office are all good resources so you can lighten your load, visit her without worry and make sure your Aunt is not in any pain and is cared for.

You should be commended. I, too, was always the one who showed up. Usually it was always 2AM. I'm older now and I have more knowledge about how to handle these situations. You learn the jargon and the chain of command, who writes the orders, etc.

We all need support and need to know we are not in this alone. But if you feel you are in this alone then build your team--Primary Care Doctor, hospital Social Worker, Elder Attorney, Church, Hospice if your Aunt refuses going to a facility.
The PCP Nurse Manager usually know more than the doctors. I have had good luck with the Nurse Practitioner's in the PCP's office.

Sign up for the the PCP portal. If your Aunt goes to a facility then that doctor at the NH now takes over along with their pharmacy.

I hope this helps. You look young. When I was in Grad School I had to do all of this just like you. I loved all of my relatives and wanted to do it and even with the love I found it so hard and exhausting since I was also working full-time.

Now I am in my 50's with a wealth of info to share. I hope I have given you some hope and I will pray for you today. You have some phone calls to make and I have always found medical personnel helpful.

If your Aunt goes to a facility kiss up and bring in pastry to the staff, tulips at Easter, etc. Your Aunt will get treated even better. Let them know you'll be around without being a pest and praise them! Amen Sister...

Yup. Many people who have never performed a job feel free to criticize. Just look at social media occasionally. Our society seems to have lost any concept of what is one's personal business.If they point out something that would be helpful, thank them and ask them when they will be doing it. If they know services available, ask them to make the calls and gather the information, you will be happy to go over it when it's complete. Give up on their approval; they don't look for opportunities to provide that.

Pat yourself on the back for a Job well done . It is a thankless Job . Once in a awhile you will get a Thank You . When she Passes they will all want a big funeral . No One will offer to help clean out the house either so be prepared for that and the Burial Plot . Just remember the last Month of social security goes back to the government so have enough savings for her cremation .