We aren't super heroes so why do we feel like we have to be? Fear, obligation, guilt? That our parents took care of us so we HAVE to take care of them? When is it our turn to have a nice life? When we are old enough that our kids have to take care of us? If that's so, then the cycle will never end....
I am trying my hardest to realize that I CANNOT do it all; work full time, take care of Mom's financial, medical and household needs along with all of my financial, medical and household needs. I have a great husband who helps me when he can, but now his Mother is needing more help. I am very lucky and grateful that Daddy left Mom well enough off that we can have caregivers so I can continue to work and have some respite care. So why do I feel guilty for asking for weekends off so I can have a life too?
I was adopted when my parents were older, so I'm 40 an caring for an 84 yr old mother and an 89 yr old father. My father, thankfully, was finally placed in a good nursing home after doctor intervention, but that's left my mother alone for the first time in her life and her obvious depression and growing dementia is exacerbating her tendencies to throw temper tantrums when things aren't done her way. She's never been a woman to compromise, and now she is self-sabotaging in the name of maintaining a false sense of independence. It's frustrating the hell out of me and the guilt and stress are equally destructive to my own health.
Yes, our parents took care of us, but an infant eventually grows to be a self-sufficient person and then the parent can step back a bit and do their own thing. The elderly are going in the opposite direction, and depending upon longevity there's no telling how long we'll be in some form of caregiver role. Thus, it's absolutely imperative to take time to yourself or you'll go certifiably insane. You'll probably still feel guilty, because you sound a little like me in that no matter how much you do, it still doesn't feel like enough, but regardless of what you're telling yourself, you are.
My fiancee pointed out that there are some people who essentially abandon their parents to homes or less and only show up when it's time to collect the inheritance. When I visit my father I feel as though I'm also visiting his roommate, because in all the years I've been going there I've yet to see a single person visit that man, so I try to include him in the conversation here and there, just so he knows someone sees him.
You're allowed to have your own life, and it sounds like your mom is in good hands when you're not able to be right there, so for the love of all that's holy take your weekends and enjoy them. You'll actually be a better caregiver to her because of it.
When Mom came here, husband felt I should be with her most of the day. I'm in a split level. Mom is in the bottom level. Her bed and sitting area are one and has a full bath. She eats breakfast and lunch in her room. Dinner and until bedtime are spent with us watching TV. My afternoons are spent doing errands or just reading. 2X a week I watch GS who I was watching before Mom. I have not been able to have a full day to myself in 2 yrs. I should be enjoying my retirement. I feel when Mom was home she was pretty much alone. Here, she is never alone. Even if I'm in my Den reading, I check on her. She was never a game or puzzle player and it's not going to happen now because of her short-term. I need my time. As long as your Mom is well cared for, take the time u need. If not, u will become sick. As soon as Moms house is sold, it will free up some money and I am taking advantage of babysitters and respite. I'm it out of 3 kids and always have been. I have paid my parents back over the years. I 've been told it's only going to get worse and Mom will have to go into a NH. At that time, I will visit and make sure she is getting the care she deserves. I refuse to feel guilty about that and now.
"She's never been a woman to compromise, and now she is self-sabotaging in the name of maintaining a false sense of independence. It's frustrating the h*ll out of me and the guilt and stress are equally destructive to my own health."
Thank you for saying that as it has helped me to clarify my own feelings regarding my mom. She is in an AL but refuses to go to the dining room for meals, join any activities or ask for help with simple things. I provide damn near everything for her and have for over 4 years. If I balk or complain she withholds love. No wonder I'm a mess! She's sabotaging herself and me at any chance of happiness.
I've been working on distancing myself from her over the years. It's a one-step forward, two-steps back process. Right now I'm in the pits. Once again, thanks for saying what you said. You helped me today and I want you to know that. ((hugs))
If I ever wanted to make a career change, I wouldn't be hired as a Caregver because of a variety of things. I just wouldn't qualify, yet society believes I should jump in and help full time care of a frail individual.
No thanks, I want the best for my parents and that would mean when the time comes, they will need to reach into their pockets and pay for professional care [they can afford it].
We now are seeing a generation of baby boomers caring for elderly parents and chances are as we age we will never reach the age of our parents. I know I won't from the stress of being a logistics caregiver for two very stubborn parents who are in denial of their age [90's] and capabilities.