Why does my mother with dementia act differently around my sons?

I used to call it “company manners." My mother did such a good job of seeming to be OK that she had dementia for four years before anybody outside of our family knew it.

It’s easier to keep up the façade for a short visit from somebody like your son or a neighbor then it is to keep it up with someone who sees you a lot more.

Your mother is doing what's known as "Showtiming"........acting fine with your sons, on the face of it, while acting true to herself around you. She's putting on the Ritz with others when she wants to pretend all is well; with you she's comfortable enough to be HERSELF!

She's not being 'silly' when she says she wants to go home, either. Your mother is suffering from dementia which is something you should learn about in order to understand.  I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.” For people to understand that reality and context as perceived and experienced by a person with dementia, is altered by the dementia; and, that their reality and context is continuously changing as the dementia progresses, requires learning and an attitude shift; it is not ‘common sense.’


Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.

Another good book is Living in the Labyrinth: A Personal Journey Through the Maze of Alzheimer's, by Diana Friel McGowin. Learn all you can about AD/dementia b/c knowledge is power!

Also plan for the future when you may no longer be able to handle mom at home & Memory Care may be your best bet.

GOOD LUCK!

Yep. My husband does this during doctor's exams. Chatty, lucid, mostly coherent. But....he can only keep this going for so long. Last time, there was a pause in the conversation and he started to talk about something entirely different, not even a tanget of what was being discussed. I wasn't about to correct him, it was harmless enough and at least the doctor got a better idea of how my husband's decline is going.
Not worth stressing over other people's impressions of what is going on. You know they haven't spent enough quality time with your mother, hence their ignorance of the situation. At one point, they will see the changes.