My mother-in-law (90yo) has been healthy most of life. She does favor her 2 daughters over her 3 sons. Of her 3 sons, she has a good relationship with her 2 still single sons, but recently began treating my husband distantly. Admittedly, she never embraced our marriage because I'm Hispanic and Catholic. But we've maintained a polite and cordial relationship. When she visits her children, she stays weeks at a time with them and we barely get a 24-hr. visit from her. My husband and I have been married 30 years and have tried several times. She loves our money and paying for her vacation trips to Europe. Our family is the only family carrying the last name (grandson and great grandson). Due to her health, her family is moving her out of the home into a place near her daughter. My MIL has decided to redo her will and distribute her estate. All the other 4 children are receiving huge inheritances, even her other grandchildren and great grandchildren are receiving their inheritances, my husband, our 4 children, and our grandchildren are receiving nothing. My husband is extremely hurt by her actions. She's being downright mean to his face now. His siblings are aware and observed this interaction but do nothing. Out of her 5 children, we're the family with the financial means to pay for her care. His siblings have relied on us throughout the years (one brother in prison, one brother in bankruptcy, one sister with minimum wage job, another sister married to a minister). How do we go forward with her care when she's being cruel to her son (my husband) and knowing that we're not going to inherit anything from her estate because it's being divided up to the other 4 children to the exclusion of her other son, my husband?
Your mother in laws money should be used for her care and if she runs out of money then she goes on Medicaid . Her properties also be sold to pay for her care if necessary . it sounds as if perhaps preserving inheritance is the goal here . Perhaps she has things tied up in an irrevocable trust otherwise you would not be talking about using your own money for her care . There is a five year look back for Medicaid . Do not sign anything at a facility making you or your husband guarantor , this would make you responsible for her bills.
If the woman has a huge estate, you and your husband should not give her one dime towards her care. There is no reason .
You need your money for your own retirement.
As far as dementia , it’s quite possible at her age . She may have lost her filter and her bigotry is front and center .
Your husband you and your family should ignore this woman if she is being cruel , nasty and mean .
Inheritance is never guaranteed .
I also don’t understand if she has a huge estate , why you were paying for her vacations to Europe. Stop giving her money for any reason . Obviously trying to buy her approval has not worked.
Stop helping out siblings with money as well .
You and your husband have been too generous with a bunch of free loaders who have no problem taking your money , and you get treated badly or with indifference. I’d drop this whole family like a hot potato and have your husband go to therapy to help him with the hurt , and to deal with rejection and being taken advantage of and the fact that he gives money away looking for approval from these people.
I’m sorry that these people are horrible to your husband and you .
I know how this can be . I was raised Catholic , married a Jewish man . I was never accepted . My father in law divorced and married his second wife . They gave her Jewish grandchildren money for college , our children nothing .
The second wife died and father in law slighted his own two sons in his will giving more to his steps . And my husband and I were the ones that made sure he was safe and got the care he needed when he had dementia .
There is my brother and I, he never had much money, worked hard but never made much. Me, I was fortunate and had a well paying career.
I did everything for my mother, he did little until recent years as I stopped talking to her 13 years ago due to verbal abuse.
Around that time she announced she was not including me in her will as "I had enough", so you see although I did the most she determined I did not need any money.
Actually, I do not, however what she said deeply hurt me as she actually was saying "You don't matter to me"!
So that was that, no more money from me, no more anything I was tired of being the scapegoat. It came to a head when she wanted me to pay for a luncheon for her friend, I said no, she told me to "F" off...ok so I did.
You do not go forward with her care, she should be paying her own way. Stop being the bank for the rest of the family, let them find their own way.
The ball is in your court, your husband needs to stand up for himself.
This - 1000%
I know what your husband feels like because my family is similar. My mother always treated me differently. I was the scapegoat for everything wrong in the world. I was the one she bullied, berated, belittled, manipulated and "fed" off because she's an emotional vampire. Because of all this, I tried the hardest with her. That happens so often in abusive families. One day I said no more. I am done. I think this is what you and your husband have to do to. My mother has homecare now.
I did caregiver work for 25 years and will not do for my mother. I own a homecare business and her hired help does not come from my agency. I won't take a chance and use my own people who are the best and I trust completely because I know she will try to cause trouble for the business. She can't cause trouble for me in any other way and I know she'd try. I really think your husband and you should just write his mother off.
Your husband should tell his mother now that if she changes her will like that, both of you will consider her already dead. Don't do anymore for her and don't pay for anymore either. Spend the money you've been shelling out for her on something nice for the two of you. A luxury vacation or a new car. Whatever you want.
Your MIL may have dementia, she may not. From what you say, she always treated your husband like she does. Same with my mother. Add dementia and that just makes the already existing behavior worse.
Write her off. I certainly would.
Clearly your MIL has money and HER money should be used for her care. Do not feel obligated to help or assist in any of it.
No more paying for her or her trips to Europe. Your husband will never get the love he wants from his mother. He should go to therapy to deal with and accept that and focus on his own family and all the love you all have for each other.
And I don't think it's about the inheritance but the blatant favoritism to cut one child out of the will and make sure they know it too. She is a cruel and evil woman. Let her reap what she has sown.
Stop trying to find love where there isn't any. She has slapped your husband in the face. Tell her the gravy train has stopped. Seems MIL has a sizeable estate, let her spend her own money. Tell his siblings, need money, see Mom. Get your inheritance while its there because you are not the Bank anymore. Do not pay for her care! She has the money! And if siblings get mad, ask them how would they feel if Mom left them out of the Will.
Time to worry about your future and your children's. The money u would give MIL can be used for their college. Helping them. You have to think ahead to your retirement and maybe care. Seems you won't get any help from DHs siblings.
It is almost like telling someone "I am a punching bag. Hit me", and the old bat did so.
We tell people who we are. We should'nt be surprised when they believe us.
People usually treat us according to how we value our own worth.
And then there's this! Maybe MIL simply isn't a very nice woman? I've met a few who aren't Saints.
By supporting your MIL in so many ways you have clearly signaled that you are comfortable financially and able to support yourselves as well as gift other family members.
I have an instance of this coming right round the bend in my own friend/family family. I know someone who is in 90s and who has distributed her estate unevenly "because" she feels
A) one sibling NEEDS more, worked harder, was more devoted, less needy.
B) other two siblings are financially very comfortable and/or were helped in past (with buying home or in times of hardship.)
The child who is getting more in the above mentioned screnario is also the child who is executor.
I kind of shudder to think what the outcome will be on the elder's death, because there is going to be hurt, which often manifests as anger. I worry for the siblings.
At least in YOUR case you already know.
There is little to be done about being the "child less favored". At this point, at this age, your MIL is still apparently all invested in her money--sad, that. If I were you, knowing what you know, it is time to invest your own monies for your own aging process, and stop supporting Mom who clearly doesn't need it.
As you already said, she didn't want you two married. She suffers, sadly from prejudice; as my old Irish RN used to say "Things change one coffin at a time". Hers is just around the bend. You have been cordial, but there's been no-love-lost as they said.
Soon she and all her dislikes will be gone. And you and your loving hubby still here. She didn't change you, didn't ruin you. Celebrate!
And I would let this go.
What possible good can come of discussing it?
Your hubby has had a long history with his family. He knows them. He has a good wife, a good life. He is the lucky one. If he brings this up to mourn it simply listen to him and say "You KNOW who you are; you don't need her to tell you! I know who you are, and that is what is important; I thank you for chosing me over her and the carrot of a bundle of cash she's always wanted you to chase".
As to mommy-dearest? Send flowers. Send sweet cards. Be polite. See her as seldom as possible.
She will soon be gone.
I learned very late in life a very painful lesson in having to let go of something I could not understand. If you don't, it will eat you from the inside out. When you let it fly it is a HUGE relief.
You let things go FOR YOURSELF.
There is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING the siblings can do about this. It's too bad, to be honest, there is any knowledge of it at all. Let it go. As Dr Laura always says, "Just be polite. Move on". Why marinate in something you
A) cannot do anything about
B) do not know the answer to
C) may be LUCKY in not knowing it
D) have no need of having.
E) could change future polite relationships with the inlaws.
Good luck. You have a good hubby, and good kids and are comfortable. CELEBRATE. In my book you have it ALL.
You should take your own advice and cut your mother off too. This is what I had to do. I could not take the abuse anymore so I turned the caregiving over to homecare aides.
My mother knows if she becomes too much for homecare to handle, she goes into a care facility.
I think it’s terrible when mothers treat their children differently
In my personal experience, IF my mother had dementia, her worst problem was narcissism or even actual NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Although I’d likely been the golden child, for most of my life, because she could not control me, she swapped in my possibly, formerly scapegoat sister. The discard isn’t also not always an utter discard, but a warning as to what can happen, if you don’t obey. I locked the door behind me as, I do not take abuse and being my mother does not entitle you to abuse me — no matter what world opinion says.
either way
Not your problem - she has the problem
make less visits if they are unpleasant
only you know the character of the mother but maybe her son can have a chat and ask her if anything’s wrong
as she seems upset with him lately and he isn’t aware he’s done anything wrong
either way - if someone is behaving toxic towards you - steer clear of them
lifes difficult enough as it is
aa for the will/estate
seek legal advice-funds should be taken from her house - maybe make up an excuse and say jobs changed and money no longer available
none deserve truth - the abuser and those sitting around watching it- the same
I hate when parents use the inheritance wand to wave over their kids. It's mean and hurtful.
PLEASE don't pay for her care. She can afford to pay her own way and she should. And PLEASE stop being the family's ATM.
I've seen some mighty weird things in wills. My own mom added a handwritten codicil to her will that said I 'owed' the estate $2500. I didn't know what for or why. It was a very, very hurtful thing to read. I did the most CG for mom, next to my YB with whom she lived for 20 years. She also added that HE owed her estate $6000. We only each stood to inherit $10,000--and in YBs case, he had lost so much income taking off so much time to care for mom....$10K made a big difference in his life. I knew mom didn't really want me to inherit anything, so mine went to my YB. $20 K was a real blessing to him.
Anyway--I read this before mom died, alerted my POA/executor and he checked it out and found that it was not legal, so he shredded it. YB never knew about the posthumous "FU", which is what this was.
Your MIL should have been paying for her own care all along, so if you and your husband are paying for anything, STOP. If you're doing any hands on caregiving, stop that too.
No reason to sacrifice yourselves to a cruel ingrate. From reading your post, it sounds like MIL has been cruel to you and your husband for years, only now it's become more obvious.
People who have to be paid off to show you any consideration are users pure and simple. Cut off the gravy train and stop dancing to their tune.
Stop having ANY expectations of other people, and you'll be much happier.
I dealt with a narcissist mother way before it was so commonly talked about. She died at 62 when I was only 37.
I'm still working on myself at almost 81 but a couple years ago when I almost totally stopped having expectations of people, my life got a heck of a lot easier. Problem is, if you live with or are married to someone and/or are a caretaker, it's really hard not to have some expectations.
I've had chronic illnesses for a number of years and it is really hard not to get wrapped up in one's own maladies and lose sight of an attitude of expectation or entitlements.
I love the "tough love" attitude of this forum.
I think I would call a family meeting either all in person or on zoom, phone etc etc.
Since your Mother has decided to start doling out her estate I would start the conversation this way; Mom I understand your intentions, but feel you should wait to distribute your assets. You don’t know how long you will be on this earth and may need every penny you have for your care. My family and I can no longer help the family with nice vacation, cash gifts, bail etc. we are putting every penny into our retirement and our possible future care, along with our immediate family needs. If you dole out all your assets you maybe forced to spend the rest of yours days in a Medicare facility and some of those have a 5 year look back on distribution of your assets. When your money is all gone you will have no where to go and no one to take care of you.
It’s time you walk away and stop being the piggy bank and door mat. Still call and be cordial, but be happy with no guilt and live the wonderful life you have with YOUR FAMILY.
Tell the other siblings that since they are getting all of her money, that mommy's care is now their problem, and cut her out of your lives permanently.
How do you go forward? You accept what is, move on to enjoy your life and stop living in denial.
It appears for decades you and your husband have allowed / accepted the treatment / relationship as your MIL has dictated. You've apparently contributed money when she/family wanted/needed when she's treated you like crap over years if not decades ... and wonder why she doesn't treat you better, and leave you an inheritance ?????
Did you / your husband feel contributing financially would change her? Why would you think that way when reality says otherwise? You've had decades to 'see the writing on the wall' and apparently denied or decided to ignore her response / behavior towards you/r husband.
Now you want what - reimbursement ? appreciation? acceptance?
What to do now?
Realize you've been in denial - wanting something that hasnt / isn't / and won't happen. Realize that you need to change - she won't. Obviously. Understand / be aware of your FEELINGS: Hurt, sadness, anger, you're in pain.
Feel whatever you feel. Accept what is.
The hard part that you need to do_______________________________________
Forgive her and move on. And, realize that 'forgiveness' is a healing [benefit to] / for YOU, not her. It is a way to let this go. It is ruining / poisoning your life.
Do you want to continue to do that? (No.). Since you say you are religious, turn to God.
You've had decades of clear indications she doesn't change ... and yet, it appears you/r husband kept repeating the same behavior. Only by accepting the truth and facing the reality of the situation will you find any peace.
As is said, 'let go and let God.' Stop wasting your life and energy on a woman who doesn't care. Don't go to 'sour grapes,' That will only hurt you.
Turn to / rely on / RELEASE her with - through your spiritual beliefs.
Gena / Touch Matters
Rudeness isn't acceptable from anyone. Maybe treating her as she treats you might do something but I don't think so. She might think that you don't need any of the inheritance because you are doing everything for her. That the others need it more.
As I said before STOP ENABLING HER. She would have to use her finances to pay for her care and trips. She may realize what you put out for her but I wouldn't hold my breath. Also be prepared for her and them to call you all kinds of names.
It isn't your responsibility to pay for her.
Prayers.
If her money is being saved while you pay for her luxuries, every penny you give her is essentially going to all her other children, your husband being the only exclusion.
How do YOU go forward with her care? Either with great personal discomfort or you guys stay out of it and let the other siblings do it.
If you are really vexed about footing the bill, remember you don’t have to. You can respectfully withdraw and let the other siblings deal with it.
At this point it sounds like a broken family no matter what happens. You and your spouse will be resentful of the other siblings for not stepping up financially, yet benefiting from inheritance and if you step away, the rest of the family will think you are heartless for not helping when you can. Frankly if I were you, I’d withdrawal based on the way you are being treated. If the others stand to gain by inheritance, let them shell out and you keep to yourselves and back out. Why make things more difficult for yourself by trying to hold onto a situation that has no good outcome.
To heal the family rift, all of you would have to openly discuss the situation. That’s easier said than done. If you belong to a church you may want to see if your clergy can help you all resolve this.
When my mom was in the first stages of AD she became angry with me; prior to that we were so close like best friends.My heart was broken.So sorry for you and your husband.Even when they do not mean it ...it hurts.You and your husband deserve a life without being called down. You have done your best...time to stop funding the family and save for yor retirement.
Besides that, you shouldn’t be paying for anything anyway.
You have a choice on what you do and how you spend your money. Since she will not spend time with your family, find ways to enjoy time when she visits and when she does not. Decide with your spouse what types of support your family is willing to provide to his mother - regardless of her actions. Ask your hubby to let his other siblings know what kinds of help your family is willing to give to his mom.