Why would my mom do this to me?

Your problem with your mother changing her attitude toward you pretty much overnight is a problem I share. I don't know what to do because all I do is met with a distant shrug. It is very hurtful and I too want to shake her and ask her to snap out of it. I think neither of us should shake our moms just yet. I will message if I have a breakthrough or think of some clever plan. Till then, best of luck.

The whole concept of "sound mind" folks is an interesting one.
We speak often here as regards POA and such about a person's ability to make their own decisions.

The fact is that being in the throes of dementia is a good deal different than being INCOMPETENT under the law. You can have a diagnosis of dementia and still make legal decisions.
It was RealyReal, some time ago, who brought that forth to me, speaking of Forum being a learning experience.

In researching--consider this fromThe VSED manual by Kate Christie:
"As our attorney Erin explained more than once, there are two types of decision-making capacity that relate, testamentary and decisional. Testamentary capacity (and contractural) can be fairly simple to assess. Does the person know who they are, do they know who they are authorizing on their behalf, and can they consistently articulate their decision. If yes, then the person is capable of legally signing the document."

It goes on to explain decisional capacity as the ability to understand information relevant to the document".

So, you don't need, often, to know who the President is, nor how to spell Forum backwards. Under the law your competency will be judged by your attorney carefully and according to the legalities and definitions of your state.
My own brother made me POA and Trustee when he was ALREADY DIAGNOSED with probable early Lewy's Dementia. He was questioned THOROUGHLY and ad nauseum by his attorney both privately and before me: At one point the attorney said "D. I need to know that you just gave your sister the farm. You put your sister in control of every penny you have. Your sister can now, if she wishes to, sell the gold out of your teeth". He examined him a whole bunch of ways, and that is absolutely as it should be.
But do know, just because someone has a diagnosis of dementia, it doesn't necessarily follow that that person cannot make legal decision, and rescind them at will up to that time they are diagnosed as INCOMPETENT under the law. And that legal diagnosis means you are REALLY GONE. The courts will not take an individual's rights as a citizen from him if he has any capacity of his own.

Have you tried talking with your brothers? Communication and transparency are everything in situations like this. Often times, we don't see the other side when we're reeling in our hurts. While alot of families are often embroiled in sibling caterwauling, parents as they age often don't know how to stay neutral in productive ways, especially when it involves their own survival and fears. I liken it to a game of "Red Rover" where the chain breaks at its weakest link. I try very hard to talk up my sibs to our parent. There's alot of fear while trying to understand their surroundings/environment almost always. My parent has been asking why my sib hasn't called and thinks that my sib is angry. Life changes and when adult children live their own lives, it's sometimes difficult for a parent to anticipate what their children's routines are outside of their current living situations.
Communication from my perspective is key, and repetition is even better.
Hope this helps.
((HUG))

I realized after reading this that I keep saying my mom is "of sound mind" on my thread about my mom in home hospice. I say that because mom fills all of her pill containers, knows what her meds are and what they are for, and can carry on an intelligent conversation about current events and politics.

But reading your story makes me realize mom IS undergoing mental changes. That fact that she no longer cares about my life, or my health shows she is not the same mother I used to know. And similar to your situation, my mom is constantly worried about my brother and wanting to give him money, even though I was was caring for her 24/7, and managing her home and finances, and she's seen my brother maybe 8-10 hours total in the last year.

Dementia isn't a simple "yes/no" question. I think our elders decline in subtle ways sometimes, and in your mom's case she is being manipulated by your brothers. Believe me, I know how much it hurts to do all the work and caring and then have mom act like I'm never there for her. It really hurts, and I hope you (and I) can begin to care as much for ourselves as we have for our mothers over the past years.

let it Go you have a Husband move on with your Life .

It sounds like it may be mostly your *brothers* who did this to you (manipulating mom when she was in a weakened state; at minimum they wore her down). I agree with others who replied with the advice to just let brothers do the POA work.

Do not EVER provide care for these a-hole brothers. Promise this to yourself *now*.

Another thing working against you is the ongoing social assumption that men know better than women about finances, cars, etc. Just one silly example (and I do not intend to diminish the seriousness and pain of what you've experienced with my dumb example): My sister would never trust me to check the pressure on her car tires and add air as needed. I would joke that she only trusted the work if someone with a penis did it. She also won't take financial advice from me even though she is horrible with money. But she is all ears when it's a guy offering the (usually not good) advice.

I would file this POA situation under "things I cannot change" and be done with it.  You did your best and that's more than most of us can say, so pat yourself on the back for that!

Twinkle, you posted a couple of months ago about a kerfuffle with mom over whether or not her caregivers should be eating her food when they were caring for her at meal time, or being treated to food when mom ordered in.

It seems like that might have been when this "great relationship" you had started to unravel.

First let me say that I'm so sorry this happened to you but sadly it's so common.

Your mother turning on you so quickly is almost certainly because she has some kind of dementia. Probably Alzheimer's and it can come on a person very quickly. Only her doctor can assess and diagnose it for sure and she should see her doctor.

What I would do and have done, is come right out and tell her all the things she did and that she should be ashamed of her ingrate, entitled, disrespectful, and downright horrendous behavior towards you.

This is not for her. It's for you. For your own good mental health. If she has dementia she'll forget about the telling off soon enough. If she doesn't, then it will give her something to think about and well she should.

My mother always pulled the 'What have you ever do for me?' BS too.
Until she got a big slice of the life she always complained she had. The one where I don't do anything for her. She didn't care for living on freezer-burned bread, stale crackers, and old peanut butter because I wasn't cooking or shopping so she was living on whatever scraps she found around the house. She didn't like not having clean clothes or her medications all laid out for her.
In fact I didn't even bother calling her. This went on for a while.

Then that big slice of life she always claimed to others she was living, was followed by an even bigger slice of humble pie.

I do not and will not tolerate entitled, ingrate behavior. Nor will there be snideness, or instigating, or belittling. If she wants something or wants to see me, she will behave respectfully towards me or it's not happening.

This is what you should try doing. With your brothers (I apologize to all the men out there) the honeymoon phase with her will soon end. She will start turning them and like so many sons, they will bail. Or if they're married, one of their wives will have the responsibility of your mother dumped on her.

That shouldn't bother you one bit though. Stepping back is a good thing to do. You can visit and call your mother. The minute the complaining or belittling starts, the visit and call ends. No exceptions.

Her BS is not your responsibility anymore. It's your brother's. I'm sure you're a kind person and will check up on her from time to time. You should do as suggested and call APS if you think she's being neglected. Your responsibility ends with that.

I’ve read your replies which give added information . I suggest stepping back and saving your sanity . I know it’s difficult to accept since it all changed so suddenly , but you have no say or authority now . No point in banging your head against the wall . Enjoy your life.

You could visit Mom if you want once or twice a month . If at some point you see and believe she’s not getting the care she needs you could call APS .

It’s extremely uncomfortable for everyone involved when we cannot live in harmony.

For some reason, there can be discord between siblings in these situations. It’s understandable that there are times when people with siblings wish they were an only child.

Things can flip and turn around so drastically that it boggles our mind. We have absolutely no control over other’s decisions.

As heartbreaking as this situation is, you don’t have any other choice but to accept it.

If they want to run the show, let them. They will soon find out that it isn’t an easy task. Hopefully, in time they will appreciate all of your past experiences and the time that you invested into caring for your mother.

I hope that your family will be able to sort this out in the future. If that isn’t possible though, find healing for yourself and do whatever is necessary for you to be at peace.

Frankly, such a complete attitude reversal would lead me to wonder if she is indeed of sound mind.

Are you able to talk to your brothers at all, and are you even certain they've turned her against you? I'd express my concern about her drastic personality change to her doctor at the very least and to the brother with POA if you speak to each other.

I'd also document all this along with dates and when she changed things. It might be useful should you need to go for guardianship at some point if you think she's being exploited.

This is OPs post from July which gives more background:

Lifelong close relationship with mom severed.

My moms physical decline started a few years ago. My 2 brothers wanted to put her in a horrid home. I immediately stepped in, emitted her to the hospital to get her tested and put on all the appropriate medications. I found a beautiful AL, decorated her room for a princess, and also added some private care to insure she didn’t fall again. My mom has PLENTY of money btw. During this time period with many falls, rehabs I was by her side daily. My mom decided to make me her POA. What ensued was a complete shit**** from only one brother. The brother who my parents had entrusted to invest their money in rental properties in which he was the mgr and sole signer on each LLC property. I found this out after I became POA. My parents had directed him to add me to each LLC years ago in which he did not. From that point on my brother and I don’t speak.
Fast forward a yr. My mom was doing great, made so many friends at her Al. Hurricane Ian caused her to have to evacuate her Al. She went back to her home for the month it took to clean up the water damage at her Al. During that time my brother was in her ear daily, making her coffee and manipulating her. She decided not to go back to her Al. She continues to use private caregivers daily 9 to 5 at 6k a month. This brother is single never married no kids. He lives close by and now sleeps at her house nightly because I don’t want her alone in case of a fire etc.. I live an hr away and take her back to the Al she lived in weekly for happy hr to visit her friends, and spend Saturdays with her as well.

This brother has continued to manipulate her with neg conversations about me since she’s been back home. He accuses me of stealing from her. I am in charge of her 3 bank accts that show there has been absolutely zero unexplained withdrawals. My brother on the other hand still manages her many LLCs and will not show the statements. Btw I’ve been married to a very wealthy man for yrs who spoils me rotten. I’m the last person who needs to steal from my mom. My mom has told me numerous times that she trusts me and how I am not a greedy person etc.. Well all this has changed and now she’s “not sure.” Even though I send her her bank statements.
My brother has now convinced her to revoke my POA and I’m devastated. It’s just a punch in my gut that after all I did to ensure she stays with us with the best care possible. If I didn’t intervene she would’ve passed by now guaranteed. My brothers have only one thing on their minds. Inheritance preservation. I think she should be able to spend every dime she has in this last stage . FYI both brothers are very comfortable financially too.


In the last 3 weeks my mom has only called me to question my management of her accts in an accusatory manner and literally has hung up on me. She will then send me a text on Fridays asking if I’m going to happy hour with her. I have been ignoring the texts and haven’t seen her for 3 weeks.
I finally called her yesterday and literally heard her groan before she said hello. I called her out with this and she made up some bs excuse. I tried talking to her and resolving this issue but she didn’t want to talk about it and wanted to get off the phone and said she’d call me later. I know she will not call me. We’ve been so close as mother and daughter. My friends have always been envious of our relationship. I have dreams about this and wake up crying. She expects me to continue our relationship like nothings happened and I just can’t. After the hurtful accusatory phone calls and now the reaction I get when I call her. Like I’m bothering her. It’s extremely hurtful. She is still lucid and shows no signs of brain issues. It’s the daily manipulation she’s getting from my brother and he’s her number one now.

I’ve decided to end our relationship. Her betrayal is heart wrenching and I’m devastated. Am I overreacting?

I looked back and you have had this problem since July. I think its time to let go for now. Brothers wanted control, let them have it. If they come around asking for help, tell them sorry. You wanted control, you now have it. She is yours.

I would wonder though if Mom does have some cognitive decline. It comes on little by little. I found my Mom hard to reason with. She believed my challenged nephew over me.

My mother had dementia , I cared for her and my father ( with cancer ) for a decade. My Dad died and a year later I had to put Mom in assisted living.

My mother did not want to leave her home . My sister ( who never lifted a finger to help ) who complained to me and my other siblings that Assisted living was “ just an expensive hotel room with terrible food “ , was trying to preserve inheritance . My sister agreed with my mother that she should be living ( unsafely ) in her home and my sister added some other lies to get my mother to be even more angry with me .

My sister told my mother that I was stealing all her belongings and keeping the money from the sale of the house . The reality was I sold the furniture etc and the house to pay for my mothers care .
I too was devastated after all the help I did for a decade . On top of it my mother was a narcissist , difficult to deal with especially with dementia in the mix .

I ended up limiting my visits with my mother . And am no contact with my sister since .

Give up your control of her life happily. If she has control of her faculties as you say - then there is no reason for you to be acting as POA anyway.
Power of attorney should only be used once the person is not able to make their own decisions or not there to make their own decisions.
She probably feels or your brother's feel that you took control and ran with it. When it wasn't necessary.
I was my father's POA but it was required when he was moving into a nursing home (however my dad had absolutely no assets so there was no problem with my brothers and sisters because they didn't want to be POA - I was sort of forced to do it. ) Now if he had had a bunch of assets I think it would have been a different story.
The nursing home called me constantly because I was his POA but I always told them ask my dad he still makes his own decisions.

I have no idea why your mom would do this to you other than people take advantage of family and friends who are nice and good to them and always end up resenting the people who are good to them.
Those same people, like your mother, will go out of their way to be extra nice to the people who did not spend any time with them because they want those people's attention and they want to be liked by those people.
It is extremely difficult to understand and accept but
It happens all the time.
If I were you I would run while I had the chance because she's going to get much worse when she does get to the point that she has to have constant help. And those brothers are going to disappear and then she's going to blame you for not helping her all the time again. She won't blame them.
Let them take over and be glad for it.

Somewhere along the lines either your mother decided or your brother suggested that your mother would be happier at home . I can’t begin to guess if your brother has a motive or not, to try save inheritance from being spent on your mothers care .

Your mother saying “ what did you ever do for me?”… She may not count the things you did for her because it wasn’t what she wanted or how she wanted things done . Very often the person closest who does help is the one that gets cr4pped on when the elderly person either doesn’t like their situation or how they have to adapt to it , or they aren’t happy when things aren’t done to their liking .

I’m sorry . I think either your Mom is very impressionable and your brother has said he will let your Mom do things different , or he suggested she come home , or your mother is having cognitive problems and does not want to lose control and is blaming you .

Either way you have two choices .
1) try to get to the bottom of what is going on .
2) Leave it be and just visit occasionally .

Good luck .

Wow. I'd feel so used and taken advantage of. I was by my own siblings for years, pretending to care about me while they mooched me for years. After my divorce, I was so depressed, and met and fell in love with the best man I ever knew. Our simple life was 6 wonderful years, until he was DXd with Stage 4 cancer and given a year to live...we were both devastated. My family suddenly vanished, didn't visit or pick up a phone that last year. He never did anything to them to deserve it. There was obvious jealousy involved. I had to work to pay his medical treatment, running ragged to hospitals and chemo visits after work. They didn't have FLMA then.

My 3 older siblings didn't show up to his funeral either. Yet 86 other people did, He was a good person and greatly admired. After that, I cut them off. I went thru such tragedy and got zero support from my siblings. I was shocked at their behavior.

Cut them off and move on. They don't care about you or your Mom. Just whatever they can get out of it. Spend your time doing good to others in your life, and try hard to forget they exist. It's hard, but can be done. I know how you feel and it hurts.

Just know you have done your best, and they all will have really bad karma. Create your own success. Sad to say, but your Mom sounds 2-faced, like mine was. She isn't that sharp, she's being played by the Golden Boys. She will see how it feels to be suckered later on, and learn the hard way.

It's not that hard to cut them ALL off. You will be sad at first, then will get stronger every day. Good luck.

Your brothers moved M back home after you arranged AL for her. The amount that you did for her before that sounds a bit ‘over the top’. The ‘lifetime tight bond’ may have been too tight for both of you, perhaps? If M is actually happier back home, she may now resent the move to AL and blame it on you. ‘Helping’ can look like ‘controlling’ sometimes and to some people. If you cry on the phone to her, perhaps she finds it a bit unpleasant - I know that I would.

It would probably be better if you focused on making your own life happy, not on your difficult family relationships. It might help things to settle down and work better in future. That may sound a bit harsh, but it’s a different approach that could be worth thinking through.

WWID? I’d step back and let them handle it all while I enjoyed a nice vacation and all the free time in the world.

If mom was rolling her eyes at your brothers behind their back, why does it not stand to reason she's now rolling her eyes at you behind your back? A person with character flaws has flaws in general and nobody is immune from them, in my experience.

Your brothers are likely misinformed thinking POA has to do with moms will and their inheritance. Or that her being in AL when you were POA was "wasting their inheritance ", since money is generally the root of all evil.

You say more than once that mother is still very sharp mentally, yet in the same breath, say, "She literally uttered the words, “what did you ever do for me?” just a few weeks ago." A person of sound mind KNOWS full well all you've done for her and would not utter such words. If she is THAT vulnerable to suggestion that your brothers were able to convince her you're The Bad Guy, then something IS wrong with her cognitive functioning.

Put your emotions aside for now and look at this picture logically. Mom's been set up to believe a lie making you out to be the evil daughter and sonny boys out to be golden. Mom needs an appointment with her doctor for a full medical AND cognitive workup and the "boys" need investigating as to what they're really up to here. Begin with the money trail because what else could be going on?

Good luck to you.

You ask us why your Mom would do this to you.
We don't know her, so we couldn't hazard a guess, but I just wonder if perhaps your mother is no longer entirely in charge of her own faculties?
Is that the case?
You were managing all her finances, if I am correct; that usually only happens when the person can no longer safely manage them herself or has a dire diagnosis such as my brother did of Lewy's meaning that SOON enough you won't be competent.

Apparently there is some sibling rivalry going on as well?

Be all that as it may, I will in fact tell you what I would do at this point, since you asked.
I would keep up my visits, perhaps shortening them in time and making them only once weekly. I would simply answer any accusations regarding this choice with "I am so sorry you are unhappy; I am doing my best".
Were she to want to argue I would say "Mom, I didn't come here to explain myself or to argue. If we can have a pleasant time together that's wonderful. If not I am happy to go and return next week".

This would be my habit and I would not verge from it. I would not have a whole lot to do with brother's and their POA duties.

And most of all, I would get on with my life. Dear Dr. Laura has an expression that "No good deed goes unpunished." Meant to have some ironic humor, that, but all too often it is true. Simply get on with life. You did as you thought right; as you said, you did the job you were given. That is done now. You can get on with quality folks in a quality life that your poor mom will soon enough be exiting.

I’d be grateful that I was no longer her POA. As you found out, it’s a huge responsibility. The other thing I’d do? Back off. She’s showing you who she really is.