Hubby had stroke in July. We are now going to outpatient therapy twice a week and recovery is coming but oh so slow. He seems to have more 'off ' days recently and I never know if he is being self-indulgent or if he's truly not feeling well or just depressed. I do ask him to do more for himself (he tells therapists he does) and then he pouts and we both have a bad day. We are together 24/7 but he doesn't want anyone other then me helping him, especially with personal care. Tired.
If he is lying to the PT, make it the truth by making him do what he says he is. He won't improve if he doesn't make the effort but, he can surely bring you down with his unreasonable expectations that only you can help him.
Tell him that you will be bringing an aid in weekly to let you have a break and if he doesn't like it then maybe he needs to go to a facility full-time so you don't die first.
He did and is almost 93 now. He also participated in several studies on stroke recovery in the years that followed.
He continues to do daily exercises to maintain his recovery. The first ones he does in bed, then he lifts free weights, and gets on his exercise bike. He is much frailer now and just lifts the dumb bell bar without any weight on it.
If your husband does not do for himself, he will lose his ability to do anything.
Now to having help in. Tough toodles, you need the help. You cannot provide 24/7 care to an adult man, especially one who is not doing for himself.
When he pouts, walk away. Go out for a drive, meet a friend for coffee, do not let his poor attitude ruin your day.
My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, which left him unable to walk, talk, read or write, and was paralyzed on his right side. After many months of physical, occupational and speech therapy he did relearn how to walk with a brace on, talk in short simple sentences, and do self care with his one good arm/hand. He however never could read or write again, other than his name.
We were told back in 1996 when he had his stroke that whatever he regained in the first 2 years after his stroke would be pretty much all he ever would. I don't know if that since has changed or not.
It definitely sounds like your husband needs to be put on an anti-depressant, if he's not already, because depression is very common with folks after they have had a stroke as it can be very life changing. My husband was on one for several years, until he learned to accept his new "normal."
It's very hard on both of you, this I know first hand, but it's important that he learn to do as much as possible for himself. You may want to have a private conversation with his therapists about the fact that what he's telling them and what he's actually doing are 2 different things. Then let them address things with him, so you don't have to be the bad guy.
Please make sure that you're taking time away for yourself as your care is as important as his. Don't forget that.
I wish you both the very best.
Strokes are so challenging because depending on where in the brain it happened and how much damage occurred, dictates what the recovery could be like. Certainly depression is common after anything like this and its hard for the person to see the progress they have made when living in this more challenging body day in and out. I have also seen people with strokes have set backs if they get an infection so be aware of any urinary issues if he gets an infection or even like a bad cold.
Try to encourage and motivate him as best you can without being too over the top about it. Sometimes after a stroke we process slower so high energy can feel deflating.
Hope that helps some.
As where the stroke was located for your own information. Then go online as though you were a detective, looking for changes that may occur with injury to that area.
A neighbor of mine was recent told that you need to give yourself a year to know what you can get back, how changed or what changes might be permanent.
It is GREAT he doesn't want you helping him a whole lot. Motivation to get back to normal is a great pusher toward better health. Those who become helpless often end with well meaning loved ones enabling their helplessness.
Good luck. Do look for all the information you can find anywhere you can find it. I will hope for his full recovery.
Ask hubby to tell you about changes he notices. Reassure him that many may be changed, and that you will work round the others. Be sure to include laughter on the menu however you must. Funny movies or whatever. You both need the relief.
However, it's very good to know that your husband is in therapy. As to "off-days", I think that given the pandemic, political friction, and uncertainty on many issues, anyone can have more "off days" than might have existed before all the political and medical chaos.
My father had a stroke at 87, then lived until he was 99.5 years old. I don't think it's the age that's necessarily the dominant factor; it's also the condition he was in at the time of the stroke, any other co-existing factors, his own personal initiative and goals, and family support, among other issues.
Many people, maybe even therapists, concentrate on the physical problems, a weak arm, getting walking again.
Damage inside the brain is not obvious to all. It can show on scans but a spouse will *see* the evidence of it in real life. The depression, apathy, memory changes, mood swings - can vary from minimal to massive depending on location & magnitude of blood clot/bleed.
I think of *recovery* working best as this;
* Accept this is the new normal.
* Look for what is still possible to enjoy & do. Embrace it.
* Set smaller, achievable goals.
Another way to put it is: Recovery is not a Cure, but a process of Adjustment.
I have met wonderful people who of course grieved their old pre-stroke life, yet found meaning & enjoyment again. Each refused to call themselves a 'stroke victim' but relabeled themselves a "Stroke Survivor". The ones who especially stood out... A painter who changed painiting styles, a sport player who took up gym weights instead, world travellers that changed to river cruises.
For some, the reality is more help is needed. Eg accepting aides to assist with very personal things like bathing/dressing is tricky. Acceptance by the survivor & also by the spouse.
Don't be held to emotional ransome over this. If needed - arrange it. Shrug that off as being just part of the human condition, (our physical frailty).
Look for things as a couple you can enjoy together. Look at old photos. Lunch out. Going to the movies etc.
My Mother hated the idea of bathing aides, but, enjoys the compliments when fresh & clean afterwards. My DH also likes to hear, hmm you smell good. (He's ok now, but no harm in training for the future 😉)