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No,I couldent live with my mum,even before she had dementia,I think we would have killed each other. She has been in a carehome for 1 year now,We get on quite well.The way i see it is,if she had been a bit more pleasanter and reasonable,i may have considered it. She asks quite frequently if she can move in,i just say no. I know it would not work,and she has Altzeimers now. You should not feel pressured,that is certainly not a basis for harmony. She is my Mother,and i love her,but no way could i live with her.
thank you Jasmineanne, I too love my mother but couldn't live with her before she was ill either, now that she's fallen and is at the present in a rehab (also a dialysis patient), whatever I do or say has not and never has been good enough, also she wants everything done "yesterday", I'm so glad I found this site, I believe it might just save me, I am trying to convince her that assisted living is the way to go, she can afford it...stay strong!
Where she is safe is best. My Mother was in a care home and was not being card for WELL ENOUGH, according to my standards. I have long history of not getting along with my Mother. She was never there for me growing up--too nervous and self-centered. My grandmother lived with us and did all the "mothering". Both were cold. Luckily, I take after my Dad's family. My wonderful husband and I created a normal family life, and our children were given love, affection, direction--all the things I never received. So, because I have a certain awareness about people's limitations, and could not stand the thought of her being "neglected"--because I KNOW how it feels--we brought her to live with us. It was my husband's idea, as I would not have "done that to him". haha If you can't get along with your Mother and absolutely cannot, will not do it, then put her where she will be tended to. Visit her as much as you need to, but take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. There are usually good reasons why we don't want to live with someone. In the case of MY siblings not wanting to live with or take care of OUR Mother: one is incapable of wiping his OWN butt, the other is hoity-toity and it would interfere with her lifestyle. Good luck and Blessings to you and your Mother.
Putting my mother in an ALF was the best thing I have ever done for her. I also couldn't live with her but couldn't have her living alone any longer. She refused to move so I had to trick her into going to the facility and had to just leave her there. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and sounds real cruel but in the long run she is now happier than she has been in years. She thinks everyone living in the ALF are her old friends. She participates in all the activities and keeps busy all day. She tells me to call her before coming over in case she is too busy to visit..........I am just thrilled......good luck to you
Acinorev: Think about the ramifications of any move-in with your mother carefully. Qutting your job too early to care for her will seriously, SERiOUSLY and negatively impact your Social Security earnings, your retirement planning, your networking with others who could help you stay employed, and your ability to be rehired when you are older (and often less desirable in the market). Without the income stream and building of yoru own savings, etc., then you are stuck in poverty in your old age. Use very avenue to research how you can visit/help/encourage your mother and yet have the daily care provided in an assisted living or an adult day-care option or a person who comes to look after her. Also NOTE to EVERYONE--be sure you hire help that has workers compensation or disabilty insurance--use an agency! if they work for your parent personally (because they are cheaper, etc.) and they get hurt lifting, violence toward them by demented parent, etc.--they can sue you and your parents personally and wipe your finances out.
This site helped me tremendously when I needed support also. So I am glad you are on board. It is definately not wrong if you chose to not have your mother live with you! For me... I need to visit, to care, and to love. For me...it would be wrong to have my mother live with me some day. I believe the care facilities are wonderful for those who need them. The residents can interact with other people, get medications accurately, eat decent meals, can be involved in activities, and do not have to feel they are a burden on anyone. Best wishes!
I still suffer guilt in not having my father, his brother, and his sister live with me and my family. I am the only one left and his siblings have never had children and spouses are deceased. They are like a second mom and dad to me too. They are all in a nursing home about l5 minutes from me now and I see them once or twice a week and try to go with them for all their doctor appointments. They all need 24/7 care now and I know rationally it is the best thing, but why do I always feel this nagging guilt and sadness in my heart?
I, too, am the only child and have no one to deal with this issue but me. I do have a fantastic prince of husband, but my mother (age 90--and in and out of three of the most expensive nursing home sin teh country) has tried to break us up over 18 years and she hasn't been successful yet! She calls him "your friend there"--"Oh, I say, "my husband of 18 years?" Nagging guilt will kill you--physically and emotionally. Keep writing out your thoughts and make sure you take 5-10 minutes outside getting some freash air and claering your head with deep breathing. You can go crazy trying to please everyone. Thanks to all the writers in this community--all sound so kind and decent and tryng to do the right thing.
I love my mother, but as many before me have said, it is best to have her in a place where she is well cared for. I have a brother who has always been the "golden boy" in our family yet has scammed her of thousands of dollars and doesn't want her to live with him and his family. I have a sister who claims that she can't have mom b/c she has stairs to climb in her townhouse---hasn't she ever heard of eletric chairs that ride up the railings?? I think my sibs expected me to take mom in but I can't/won't. I am still working though my husband retired last February. Mom is so needy that he would never have time to do what he needs to do and when I come home from work, mom would stick to me like glue and never give me time to unwind. Also, she would expect to be included in all invitations and activities we have with friends and our kids. There would never be any private time. Mom has never had any hobbies earlier in her life that could oiccupy her now, such as reading, jig-saw puzzles, cross-word puzzles. knitting or crocheting, etc. I have to admit that I try to be understanding and realize that I will be 87 and perhaps have some dementia like mom, but I still have a lot of resentments b/c she wasn't a good mother. She couldn't discipline us herself but would say,"Wait till your father gets home" knowing full well that he would beat us with a thick belt! So, my answer to you is NO, YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL GUILTY about not taking your mom in to live with you. My mom is in an ALF where she gets good care and I can visit her in small doses.
I too am an only child with a father who is divorced and a self imposed hermit with no one else around him even before he became disabled. I got him into an assisted living facility near my home which he moved out of 5 weeks later and went back to his house with help from movers... He can't live alone and cannot afford the kind of in home care that he needs. I too struggle with working with him; he lies to me and has an explosive temper especially when he thinks I am "bossing him around." I try so hard not to sound that way, but frankly, he perceives someone trying to help as being controlling. He is on his second caregiver - the first one quit because of his treatment of her. There is no way for my father to live with my husband and me even though he is disabled. It is not the disability; it is the mouth which has only gotten worse with time. My husband understands his manipulations (my father is not demented) and has had to set boundaries. It makes it really tough because my father was always the best dad growing up. People change, for better or for worse. An aging parent, no matter what the circumstances, is not allowed to destroy a marriage, no matter how strong it is. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Thank you all for being so understanding, this has been such a difficult time for me and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. As each day passes, I feel less and less guilt, although it got heaped on me again last night (some things will never change!) and I can now accept it. My super supportive husband says "be like a duck", just let it all go. I wish only the best for your all - my new friends.
OnlyKid: Yikes what is it about the need to isolate? My 90-year-old La Grande Dame moved to an isolated expensive area and then has disconnected the "Life Alert" system because she didn't like the noise. I keep calling and she always wonders why I've called and bothered her. Then she wonders why no one else visits or calls or can even find her easily. She's in no way demented--she has all her faculties--but so cranky and just plain mean and condesending and no matter what is suggested, it is shot down. I'm just disheartened and tired. Love your phrase---"you are not alone"--that is more comforting than you know.
I like what's being said about the "self imposed isolation", I always ask, so who have you spoken to recently, the answer is well no one really, I guess they're busy, when I suggest that mom call and stay in touch with her friends, I get the sad look; remember everyone there is nothing wrong with her faculties...I'm sure that when her friends do call her they are just served up a plate of guilt also...
ACinorev--your description is uncanny! Exactly my experience, too. Spot-on in your description! "Served up a plate of guilt"--hummm, must be delicious!
When I make the effort to visit--she's unhappy I am "around in the morning--I like to wake up slowly" and then in the evening, "you're no fun in the evening". Huh? Again, this woman is 90. I take her to the expensive restaurants, the clubs, the piano bars, give her the most expensive wine I can find (which, by the way, is NEVER good enough) , and I am a damn good cook, so I create interesting meals--all for naught. Do you find that nothing you do is OK--much less good enough?
yes, yes and more yes, I am constantly asked to do things, but when I do, I'm told that's not the way "I" would do it, well then if you CAN do it, well then just do it!
No, and children of sick parents are good at feeling guilty about not letting a parent move in with you. You need to do what is best for you and your family and what is best and safest for your mother. My mother is currently fighting me tooth and nail and swears all I want is her in a nursing home. She has 24 hour care at home for now and has a good caregiver. Physically she seems to be going south. Hang in there! Besides, my mother is a chronic smoker and WILL NOT QUIT FOR ANY REASON and myself and my two children have asthma.
I am considering moving my mother in with my husband and I. I just feel nursing homes are a place to put people to forget about them. I worked in one for years and most of the residents are lonely and forgotten by their families. It is a sad end for them, especially when they were once considered the "rock" or "stability" of the family. I feel that it is the kids responsibility to take care of their parents and not put them into a nursing home. I feel that it is a selfish decision...on that note...I mean no disrespect to any of you at all. I am just trying to figure out what to do in my situation. My mother is 55, and is being tested for dementia (which I know for sure she has, she is severe in all the warning signs). She is married to my father (who is a severe asthmatic) and he is finding it hard to care for her. She wont bathe or eat...she weighs 94 lbs right now. To top all this off, they have no health insurance...none. I feel its my obligation to intervene and help my mom get the medicine and diagnosis, and to provide for her care. Am I unrealistic to believe that I can do it? I am 39, married, two kids at home (17 and 15). I am a stay at home mom, so I have the time to help her. Am I over rationalizing? I appreciate your advice...thank you so much!!
I am considering moving my mother in with my husband and I. I just feel nursing homes are a place to put people to forget about them. I worked in one for years and most of the residents are lonely and forgotten by their families. It is a sad end for them, especially when they were once considered the "rock" or "stability" of the family. I feel that it is the kids responsibility to take care of their parents and not put them into a nursing home. I feel that it is a selfish decision...on that note...I mean no disrespect to any of you at all. I am just trying to figure out what to do in my situation. My mother is 55, and is being tested for dementia (which I know for sure she has, she is severe in all the warning signs). She is married to my father (who is a severe asthmatic) and he is finding it hard to care for her. She wont bathe or eat...she weighs 94 lbs right now. To top all this off, they have no health insurance...none. I feel its my obligation to intervene and help my mom get the medicine and diagnosis, and to provide for her care. Am I unrealistic to believe that I can do it? I am 39, married, two kids at home (17 and 15). I am a stay at home mom, so I have the time to help her. Am I over rationalizing? I appreciate your advice...thank you so much!!
casp, one of the reasons we feel great guilt about using facility care is because people do think of nursing homes as a place to put people and forget about them, or as one person on here once noted her mom said, "Nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them." That is not always the case, of course; there are times when it is just not possible to provide care at home, and it is very possible to stay involved and concerned and provide as many good experiences as possible in an assistve living or skilled nursing home. It is not always a selfish decision, sometimes it is the only reasonable one...what does someone do if their elder parent becomes abusive to their grandchildren, for example?
Your question about whether you can do what you believe is best for your mom, and still be a mom and a wife, is a good one, and a lot depends on your relationship and a lot depends on Mom's actual psychological and medical condition. She is awfully young to have dementia, and I hope there is a plan to have a very thorough medical evaluation about all the possible reversible causes before settling on that diagnosis. I'm told that healthcare.gov has worked for some people to get insured and at age 55 I think SSI or SSDI is possible, but as she gets her evaluation, ask to have some time with a social worker to help with those options and make sure you have the paperwork in order.
Sadly, what I have learned from reading a lot of posts here is that some people in nursing homes are left alone by their families, not because everyone in the family is selfish, hateful, and/or lazy, but because the person had driven everyone away or were estranged for many years and now are neither able nor ready to even try to reconcile...Even some who had wonderful relationships may see severe personality changes that tend to demolish that relationship...paranoia and blaming can set in, and sometimes the caring family member is actually told to go away. This is hard, and I hope you do get to keep Mom at home, and I wish you all were not having to go through this!!
OnlyKid, have you told your father physicians about his change in personality? If he was " the best dad " growing up, there may be a reason he has become abusive recently. Maybe he has pain, depression or his medications are making him mentally unstable. Maybe he just hates getting old ! Do what you feel you must but , as my mother's wise doctor once said " it will not get better ". We, in the US, extend living way beyond comfort and reason. Just understand that it is NOT your fault . Good luck and stay well.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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She has been in a carehome for 1 year now,We get on quite well.The way i see it is,if she had been a bit more pleasanter and reasonable,i may have considered it.
She asks quite frequently if she can move in,i just say no.
I know it would not work,and she has Altzeimers now.
You should not feel pressured,that is certainly not a basis for harmony.
She is my Mother,and i love her,but no way could i live with her.
Luckily, I take after my Dad's family. My wonderful husband and I created a normal family life, and our children were given love, affection, direction--all the things I never received. So, because I have a certain awareness about people's limitations, and could not stand the thought of her being "neglected"--because I KNOW how it feels--we brought her to live with us. It was my husband's idea, as I would not have "done that to him". haha
If you can't get along with your Mother and absolutely cannot, will not do it, then put her where she will be tended to. Visit her as much as you need to, but take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. There are usually good reasons why we don't want to live with someone. In the case of MY siblings not wanting to live with or take care of OUR Mother: one is incapable of wiping his OWN butt, the other is hoity-toity and it would interfere with her lifestyle. Good luck and Blessings to you and your Mother.
Think about the ramifications of any move-in with your mother carefully. Qutting your job too early to care for her will seriously, SERiOUSLY and negatively impact your Social Security earnings, your retirement planning, your networking with others who could help you stay employed, and your ability to be rehired when you are older (and often less desirable in the market). Without the income stream and building of yoru own savings, etc., then you are stuck in poverty in your old age. Use very avenue to research how you can visit/help/encourage your mother and yet have the daily care provided in an assisted living or an adult day-care option or a person who comes to look after her. Also NOTE to EVERYONE--be sure you hire help that has workers compensation or disabilty insurance--use an agency! if they work for your parent personally (because they are cheaper, etc.) and they get hurt lifting, violence toward them by demented parent, etc.--they can sue you and your parents personally and wipe your finances out.
I, too, am the only child and have no one to deal with this issue but me. I do have a fantastic prince of husband, but my mother (age 90--and in and out of three of the most expensive nursing home sin teh country) has tried to break us up over 18 years and she hasn't been successful yet! She calls him "your friend there"--"Oh, I say, "my husband of 18 years?" Nagging guilt will kill you--physically and emotionally. Keep writing out your thoughts and make sure you take 5-10 minutes outside getting some freash air and claering your head with deep breathing. You can go crazy trying to please everyone. Thanks to all the writers in this community--all sound so kind and decent and tryng to do the right thing.
I have to admit that I try to be understanding and realize that I will be 87 and perhaps have some dementia like mom, but I still have a lot of resentments b/c she wasn't a good mother. She couldn't discipline us herself but would say,"Wait till your father gets home" knowing full well that he would beat us with a thick belt!
So, my answer to you is NO, YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL GUILTY about not taking your mom in to live with you. My mom is in an ALF where she gets good care and I can visit her in small doses.
Yikes what is it about the need to isolate? My 90-year-old La Grande Dame moved to an isolated expensive area and then has disconnected the "Life Alert" system because she didn't like the noise. I keep calling and she always wonders why I've called and bothered her. Then she wonders why no one else visits or calls or can even find her easily. She's in no way demented--she has all her faculties--but so cranky and just plain mean and condesending and no matter what is suggested, it is shot down. I'm just disheartened and tired. Love your phrase---"you are not alone"--that is more comforting than you know.
When I make the effort to visit--she's unhappy I am "around in the morning--I like to wake up slowly" and then in the evening, "you're no fun in the evening". Huh? Again, this woman is 90. I take her to the expensive restaurants, the clubs, the piano bars, give her the most expensive wine I can find (which, by the way, is NEVER good enough) , and I am a damn good cook, so I create interesting meals--all for naught. Do you find that nothing you do is OK--much less good enough?
Your question about whether you can do what you believe is best for your mom, and still be a mom and a wife, is a good one, and a lot depends on your relationship and a lot depends on Mom's actual psychological and medical condition. She is awfully young to have dementia, and I hope there is a plan to have a very thorough medical evaluation about all the possible reversible causes before settling on that diagnosis. I'm told that healthcare.gov has worked for some people to get insured and at age 55 I think SSI or SSDI is possible, but as she gets her evaluation, ask to have some time with a social worker to help with those options and make sure you have the paperwork in order.
Sadly, what I have learned from reading a lot of posts here is that some people in nursing homes are left alone by their families, not because everyone in the family is selfish, hateful, and/or lazy, but because the person had driven everyone away or were estranged for many years and now are neither able nor ready to even try to reconcile...Even some who had wonderful relationships may see severe personality changes that tend to demolish that relationship...paranoia and blaming can set in, and sometimes the caring family member is actually told to go away. This is hard, and I hope you do get to keep Mom at home, and I wish you all were not having to go through this!!
If he was " the best dad " growing up, there may be a reason he has become abusive recently. Maybe he has pain, depression or his medications are making him mentally unstable. Maybe he just hates getting old !
Do what you feel you must but , as my mother's wise doctor once said " it will not get better ". We, in the US, extend living way beyond comfort and reason. Just understand that it is NOT your fault . Good luck and stay well.