I'm 24 and have no idea where to start in caregiving. Does anyone have any advice?

I say this in a loving way, don't care for her. Make sure she is in a good nursing home or assisted living center or has people coming to take care of her. Then visit her from time to time but go out and live your life. Just b/c she expects you to care for her, doesn't mean you have to. 24 yrs old is too young to take care of people.

Where to start in caregiving? Hmmm ... down the road about 25 years!

You have never lived on your own? Never gone to college, spend extended time with your dad, or had friends? It is high time you started! You'll probably have to get a regular job until your art career is more stable. Starting from zero at your age is not going to be easy, but it will only get harder the more you put it off. Because it will be hard you may want to see a counselor for a while, for support. If you decide to take a few courses counselling will be available on campus. Can your dad help you financially while you get on your feet?

Your mother has imposed a huge handicap on you. It is not fatal and it can be overcome, but it will take a lot of determination and effort on your part.

Of course I can't imagine you walking out the door waving and saying good-bye mother. You'll want to make sure she adequate care. Call the social worker from the hospital. Explain that there has been a serious mistake and you are not prepared or willing to take responsibility for your mother's care. Make an appointment to go in and discuss other options and how to pursue them.

Do what you have to do to ensure that your mother is having her needs met in SOME OTHER WAY. This is NOT a job for a 24-year-old who needs to be finding her own way in the world.

Brandi, is there any reason why they did not sent her to rehab before sending her home? does she have medicare? It sounds like social services at the hospital did not do their job if they did not consult with you about your ability to care for her. I assume the case managers probably consider their jobs "done" but they did not apparently do what they needed to do. You can try contacting them or their supervisor or better yet, call her doctor, explain the situation and ask he if will assist you in trying to get her admitted for rehab. I am not an expert but I did see this on the medicare.gov site (call them to confirm
call 1-800-MEDICARE below is from

http://www.medicare.gov/Pubs/pdf/10153.pdf
eligibility requirements for rehab include:
:You have a qualifying hospital stay. This means an inpatienthospital stay of 3 consecutive days or more, starting with theday the hospital admits you as an inpatient, but not includingthe day you leave the hospital**. You must enter the SkilledNursing Facility (SNF) within a short period of time (generally30 days) of leaving the hospital."

So there may still be time. At the minimum the hospital case managers should be able to tell you this and maybe arrange it. This gives you some breathing time and maybe she will regain strength to be able to assume her own care at home. Hopefully if you can get her into rehab you can then research other options. Who is paying for her housing, etc now? I'm assuming you have no place else to live, no credit etc? it is hard to establish yourself under these circumstances. But you apparently are a talented artist and are saving to get out on your own. Keep pursing your art career. There are colleges and grad schools that will help pay your way and give you housing support. Is there anyway you can try to reconnect with your blood relatives? You are someone they should be proud to have as family and they should help you out if they can. Don't be afraid to try to contact them. You never know unless you try and if they don't respond, then you did fine without them and will continue to do so.

24 is very young, especially since you have been cut off from the world during your lifetime. I agree 100% with what others have written. Since you are so young, I imagine your mother is too young to be on Medicare. I wondered what problems she has other than the mini-stroke. Mini-strokes normally don't set anybody back for more than a week. They are good indicators, however, that people need to take better care of themselves. If the only thing that has changed in your life is that your mother had a mini stroke, then things should be back to normal quickly. This should in no way interfere with your plans.

If I were your age and had my home school diploma, I would get a job flipping burgers or something, then apply to my local community college with art as my major. I have a feeling it would open up a new world to you without it being too overwhelming. I know finding your way won't be easy, but children are not born to take care of their parents. They are born to grow up, have a career they enjoy, get married and have children if they want, and visit with the grandparents. You can still help your mother, but you owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance for a happy life. Hugs to you.

You are learning quickly. Your mother needs to learn how to cope and she is not going to do that, with you there. Home health care should be coming in, anyway. Plus, a rehab assistant. Talk to them and see what they say. Call the social worker and tell her what you have told us.

I can't encourage you enough, to start making plans to get out of there. If you are only 24, how old is your mother?

Good luck and keep writing to us.

Brandi, you said your mother had a list of serious medical illnesses. I assume she has some kind of insurance and financial support. if you are on social security disability for 24 months, i believe you then qualify for medicare and you don't have to be a senior. all these things require a good case manager to assist Brandi with getting answers as to what options her mother has for arranging her own care. and maybe she could look into mental health care treatment also. Brandi, did you ever get beneftis from your father or mother's record? do you have health insurance? This might be something to look into with the new health care laws.

Oh Brandi there r some many people that write in and I so much want to put my 2 cents in. - One of of my many downfalls wanting to rescue someone. You are young but never had a life , I could say so many things. Don't let this go on with ur Mother, it has NOT been a healthy relationship with her . If you don't stop this insanity now you never will . Please get help for yourself ! The best thing you can do for your Mother is get her help ,find a place for her. It sounds like shes got you on a very short leash and with her illness that leash is going to get shorter . Seek out other family members if you can ,they know not to give in to your Mother but if they know that you are trying break free they will help YOU in a way that you can get help your Mother needs. Brandi do this for yourself I know you are a good person and you deserve better . You may need to start at the bottom but be strong things will get better. Best Wishes lots of Hugs to you and keep us posted. On your mark, get set, GO! Don't wait!

Brandi, I have read some fantastic answers to your problem. I tend to agree it is time for you to have a life without feeling guilty about it. When she is ready to leave the hospital a Assisted living program might be the best things for both of you. I don't know how old she is but there are plenty of programs out there to help, while she is in the hospital start looking around, senior resource, local agencies like dept of social services, social security,etc. And it is time to start to live. Best of luck to you, you are to young to have that responsibility.

No one should expect another person to 'give their life' to their care. This happened to an acquaintance of mine. She never had a life - EVER. She cared for her mother (her mom had polio when young and then developed other serious health issues as she aged) finally ending up bedridden for years with her only daughter caring for her. They never lived - either one of them. Needless to say, it was not a emotionally healthy situation. The mom died and the daughter went bonkers and now resides in a Mental Health Facility (locked).

This may or may not happen in your case. But you are ill prepared to take on this responsibility with no help from anyone. Do you have any contact with your father? Do you have a job? Are you able to live alone?

Start with her doctor and the Social Worker. Tell them you cannot be her full time caregiver. You can still care - but you should be an advocate for your mother not her only link to the world.

Take a step - make a call. Do this for your mother as well as your self. She made choices in her life. You should be allowed some too. Take care and keep us posted.

Wow. I reas your question, and my immediate response was, "Don't!". Then I read your story. I have daughters your age. This is your time to set the course for your adult life. It sounds like your mom has relied on you during your childhood for her sole emotional support. You didn't have a choice then, but now you are an adult. YOU get to set the direction for your life. The suggestion to take some classes pand look into campus counseling is very good. I have a niece with very
similar issues who did just that, and it was helpful. My guess is your mother is going to use everything to keep you isolated at home. Do you have a relationship with your father? If so, call him. Definately call the social worker and her dr. Let them know this is not a long term solution. Be firm. Let us know how you are doing.

Brandi, your mom has not done you any favors. She's controlled your every move almost like you are the property she owns. Please, call someone and get out of this mess while you can, while you have the desire and while you have youth on your side. You sound like an intelligent and talented young woman. Get your mom some help and spread your wings. You deserve it! Mom may balk but gather up your courage and start your life. Do not let her guilt you into taking care of her. I promise you, ALL of us promise you that will live to regret it.

Brandi, welcome. You have received very good advice from several people. You are way too young for such an undertaking. Can you imagine how it will be in even one month from now after dealing with her for a day. You need to put YOU first. You're mom has lived her life the way she has chose to live. You need to live YOUR life the way you chose. Blessings

It isn't even so much putting yourself FIRST - it's putting yourself on EQUAL ground and being able live your life - desiring to live a life your mother has already lived. We raise our children to be INDEPENDENT - if we do a good job they can live on their own, make their own decisions and make their way in this world. We don't raise our children to be forever our caretakers.

Has your mother made poor health choices that have resulted in poor health and now YOU must pay the price for her choices? NOT FAIR. I think we owe our parents respect, love and the knowledge that we will never allow them to be mistreated - that we will be their advocate - that we will stand up for them and see that their needs are met satisfactorily. I do not think they should expect us to sacrifice our entire life for them. I certainly would NOT want to do that to my children. That would be the ultimate in selfish desire. To put my needs ahead of my child. There has to be a balance here and this is NOT IT. Reach out for help - you need it and deserve it.

Excuse my bluntness but your mother raised you to be a slave and that is not right. Is this the same kind of abuse that her mother did to her? Her being abused by her mother was no excuse for isolating your dad from you. That was just part of her mind control game.

You need to get your freedom. Call up you dad and get out of there.

brandi, don't do this. speak to her doctors/ medical team and tell them that its just not possible. have a psychologist with you to mediate when she is told she needs to go into an alternative living space. get hold of your father or some family member who is on your side and ask for their support in standing up to her, otherwise she will run guilt rings all round you. this is a no-win situation for you and once you start it, will you ever get out of it? at 24 you should be starting your own life, not caring for someone who has made bad choices and behaved badly in hers.
please don't do this to yourself. you are not an extension of your mom, you are your own person. this will be a hard battle i know, but easier to do it now than to do it in a year/ more down the line.
be strong and good luck. for this once, put YOU first, not mom.

Brandi, you've already got some excellent advice. I would encourage you to get the book Leaving Home by David Celani. It's all about adults just like you who weren't allowed to grow up and their efforts in therapy, what it took for them to "leave home". Leaving home sometimes physically as well as psychologically for the first time. Your case is doubly hard because just when you need to leave now your mother has new health issues, but this truly doesn't change anything. Celani's biggest point is that psychologically you are set up to have a hard time leaving, and it is essential that you have the support of someone in a parent-like role in your life be it a therapist you become close with or your actual father to give you the backing/permission to leave. In time you won't need that, but for this first hardest step having back-up is critical. In practical terms there are services that can be arranged for your mother, it's not like you have to abandon her on the street but you must set yourself free. Please write and tell us how things are going.

Sweet Brandi...dry off those wings and fly away quickly. Take all the advice above and have a wonderful life. It is your God-given right to have freedom of choice. Your Mother made terrible choices in her life and as much as you care; you have to take care of yourself first. I am so sad you Mom's choices had such an impact on your life...a child deserves so much more.

I wish you all the best. We are here for you and I know everyone sends their love.

Brandi, are you reading this? Anyway, I had a thought. Do not get a cell phone, if you haven't already. Your mother will call you constantly, if she is anything like my mother.

Maybe everybody's missing something here. Perhaps without her mother Brandi would be out on the street. So there's the basic survival problem. Money. Brandi, could you make it without your mother's help? Are you able to just pack up and leave? (You know she will be taken care of if you do.)

Don't take this on. Please for your own well-being, do not go further down this road. You deserve your life. Please know that your are a valueable human being who deserves better. I wish I had figured that out before allowing myself to be trapped in the web that I am in with my parents.

You have had lots of good advice so far. Just go. It's not your responsibility. Might be tough to do but see about moving to another city or state far away. My parents were no way near as controlling as you say your mother was but I always felt they were. I told all my kids when they got to be 18, it was time to live their own lives, I would be here to discuss any options, but the final decision was theirs.
You can always come back in 5 or 10 years when you have your own life under control.
You only have one chance to be young.

I think this is the right direction: open the front door and start walking. Whatever happens will be a movie that stars an artist in a big adventure instead of a sad drama about a sheltered girl who couldn't leave home.
At the very least, take a few little steps. Print out this honest assessment you have written of your life. Say, 'This is what I say about my life when I'm not afraid to say it.' Send it to your father. Send it to someone in your mother's family. They sound like they all know how to get out from under your mother's control. Do you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to who doesn't know your mother? You don't need help starting, you need help ending this situation.

Brandi has not been back since she first posted her question. Sure hope all is well and that she will update so we will know how things are going for her. Wishing you well Brandi - let us know how you are.

I can't thank you all enough for all the wonderful answers here and I don't feel as alone as I did when I first posted. I wasn't sure how to respond because I had just joined the site when I posted the question. To update everyone, I have called a Social Worker who came to our apartment today to let her know about the situation so I should be getting a call tomorrow. The funny thing is that my mother lies to these social workers and doesn't mention how she refuses to take her medication and she says she's independent when she can barely walk. They released her from the hospital (she was there a week) and didn't put her in rehab because she told them that I would care for her. I was shocked when she came home and they told me this after she was released, I told them that I was unable to care for her and the social worker said she'd be fine. She fell the first night she was home and cut her head. I'm just hoping for the best and hope something good will come from the social workers visit. She said rehab might be a good idea but is concerned as to what happens when she is released since it's temporary. I'm not sure what to say when she asks about that. If I'm not here when she gets back, what will happen to my mom if she is unable to live by herself? I requested a medi-cal application since that was what the social worker suggested. I want to spread my wings and fly so bad. I haven't been able to paint and if I could dedicate time to it, instead of constantly cleaning up after my mom, I would be able to pay this pg&e bill that she refuses to pay. We got a 15 day notice and she insists that they wont turn it off so i'm hoping her payment comes before they shut it off and I can convince her to pay. She will not allow me to take responsibility of her finances even though she tells the social workers that she will. She recieves $1300 a month on Social Security Disability and has medicare insurance. My mothers health history stems from a long history of thriving on negativity. She pushed all her friends and family away because of this and burned every bridge there was so its just her and I. My dad has just recently come back into my life and were trying to restore our relationship after my mother turned us against eachother. She didn't want my dad in my life because she didn't want to share me. She has renal failure and lost her kidneys to something called Wegeners syndrome. She has lung nodules and her lungs often fill up with fluid that has to be removed. She was hospitalized for a year in 2011 after developing peritonitis and having a perforated bowel which resulted in her getting a colostomy bag. She goes to dialysis 3 times a week, if I can get her to get out of bed. She misses appointments because her transportation service wont wait more than 5 minutes and my mom never allowed me to drive so I don't have a car. She has something called A-fib and high blood pressure. My father says she did this to herself. She really fights me on everything and insists on going down the concrete stairs of our apartment by herself. She does scary things like that when I'm asleep or getting dressed, she leaves the stove on so high and I worry about our safety. Dementia hasn't been mentioned at all. She deliberately broke her phone so she wouldn't have to make her appointments. Any help would be great. I don't have insurance but my dad was kind enough to say he'd look into it for me with the new laws. You all have given me a wonderful place to start. I am truly grateful. I've lost 10lbs in 8 days! I'm exhausted but doing the best I can. Thanks again. I will keep in touch.

Brandi - it is not YOUR responsibility to care for your mother - with the laundry list of ailments you have mentioned here - my jaw dropped! I am an adult and there is NO WAY ON EARTH I would attempt her care.

She should go to rehab - it may help her gain some strength. After that, the Social Services will help her if she cannot go home. You need to just NOT be there when she gets home.

She is fighting her dependence - which is natural - but it makes caregiving even harder because they do things that could cause injury or harm to themselves and others. You need to call the Social Worker and tell her privately that your mother is not telling the truth. These folks are not dumb - they 'evaluate' people all the time and certainly they can tell that she cannot live alone.

Personally, I feel it is time to consider full time nursing care. Way past time.

Stand in front of the mirror and practice saying 'NO'

A side thought: A person rarely can go directly from home to a nursing home. So, she absolutely NEEDS to be in rehab - hopefully a swing unit - not just day visits. From there it would be much easier to move her to a NH. She needs the care of professionals. They typically only keep them in rehab 2-3 weeks. Prepare to escape then. Let them know that she will be ALONE when she goes home. Take care and we are wishing you AND your mother the best life.

So glad to hear from u , Been thinking about you ! So glad you and your Dad are getting together again. Please embrace all his help and support. Stand strong ,don't give in ! Stay on top of things keep calling anybody and everybody let them know under NO circumstances, you don't have what it takes to take of your Mom Physically and mentaly. YOU ARE NOT A NURSE AND it sounds like she needs 24/7 care. Be prepared as u have already experienced it may take a true diaster - like the fall if not worse to get someones attention. Whos paying you ? How are you making a living for yourself ? I can't imagine your mother getting enough income to support both of you. You mention bills due ,stepping out of the picture also may help her financial situation and get you off the hook . I don't know for sure but her finances maybe hurting your credit rating. You need to build a new relationship with your Mom - if she is willing. Take care continue to keep us posted take care of yourself . If you get sick who's going to take care of you?