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Younger sister made decision for 95-yr-old mother to move in with her & husband when she finally lost her sight. Pam and her husband are 12 yrs. younger than us, have always lived closer, and always jumped in to help and make decisions about her care without consulting us. Although we weren't able to be there physically, we often offered monetary help and did what we could from a distance. They act like they are saints and we're the goof-offs and yet they also indicate that they don't trust my husband to be capable of handling any decisions about his mother. If they had asked, we would have said she should be in a nursing home the year before she went completely blind, but nobody asked our opinion. So, they moved her in with them and it is a tension-filled situation now because in Pam's husband's words, "I would have never agreed to let that bXXX move in if I'd known she was going to live this long." So, they call us asking us to keep her for 3 weeks about every 6 months so they can have a vacation. My husband loves his mom, but hasn't enjoyed her company for many years before she was elderly. He has his own limitations due to age and a mild stroke, so all of the care taking (which is pretty equal to taking care of a toddler) of his mother falls on me. I feel bad to think negatively about it, but I'm no spring chicken and this is pretty taxing for me both physically and mentally, and I just keep coming back to the fact that they wouldn't need a vacation if they had placed her in a nursing home. Both of them talk about her being in their home as if they hate it, so their decision confuses me. All I can figure is that they want to be credited with being the martyrs who took her in. I feel like we can't refuse to keep her because we "haven't done our part enough all these years" and it's been "all on them", but also feel like if they'd asked our opinion they wouldn't need our help now. So. Here we are. I'm taking care of a husband who depends me to handle all the responsibilities of our household and also doing the care taking for their mother. Am I just being a selfish wench?

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You are not selfish but you are in a unique position to be understanding. Since your husband has health issues, you know the work involved in his care and the emotional toll. Seems they are learning both of these. Caregiver stress is real - for you and for them. They are not evil for asking for help. You are not evil for denying to help. May I suggest that you talk with them calmly and offer suggestions. They obviously need more hands-on help and you are not in a position to give that kind of help. Suggest they ask other family members, friends, members of their faith community, home health agencies, and residential care (nursing home).
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You are not being selfish. You already have one person dependent upon you, your husband. Also, as you pointed out, you have health issues of your own.

I would suggest you help sister find a respite place. Maybe get a short list of places near where "sister" lives or get a name of a contact who can help them find respite or a permanent care home.
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No you are not being selfish.It's time to place the mom in a home.
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Ignore them. Do what is best for you. If you can't take on the burden of your MIL, don't. You have your hands full with your husband. Don't let someone put you on a guilt trip knowing that you don't have the strength to take this on.

They have her full time, but act like they don't enjoy her being there? Are they getting her social security check or funds? Just food for thought.

I wouldn't bother with any talks with your SIL because she sounds like she has it all planned out to dump this burden on you. Since she is playing the part of the martyr, she can find an agency to fill in as a live-in when she takes a vacation.
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Perhaps a heart-to-heart with your Sister-in-law? She may not realize all that you are dealing with.

I am in your sister-in-law's position and my now 97-year old mother moved in with me 2 years ago after a stint in rehab following a hip fracture. This was in 2021 during covid so assisted living places and nursing homes were not so easy to get in to and I even wondered if it was the right thing to do at that time under those circumstances. I asked my sister to check into places with me and she wasn't receptive to helping with that at the time and it was hurtful. I've since found out she was dealing with something herself I didn't know about. And I am the daughter who had mom living next door in a what I call a "detatched in-law house" since 2009 while my sister lives over 2 hours away. She always visited though, at least once a month and often twice. She also has a son with autism so I know it's not easy.

After one full year of sole caregiving (I am a widow) I told my sister I didn't know how much longer I could do this and she brainstormed with me and she now comes to stay over night every 2-3 months for 1-3 nights, whatever she can do. It feels so good to feel some kind of support, whatever it is. And the little get-aways I have had have helped IMMENSELY. The best part was, it was her idea and I didn't have to ask. I don't know what's coming and I worry about it but at least I do not feel so alone in this anymore.

Hugs to you and Pam.
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Just want to make it clear that this is not OPs mother but her MIL.
Due to age and a stroke husband has limitations so he can't physically take care of a 95 yr old mother. OP has enough caring for her husband, let alone a MIL who seems to be hard to care for. Note too there is a 12 yr difference between siblings. I would say OP is in her 70s more likely. I will tell u right now, if I was in this position my MIL would have been placed if my husband had health problems and I was caring for him.

My Mom was in both an AL and later a NH. She was very well cared for. I never went into that NH where Mom smelled or anyone around her. She was always clean. The place was clean. The staff easy to get along with. OPs in-laws have a choice. They had a choice when they took her in.

I am 73 and I will not be caring for anyone but my DH. I have been there and done that with no help from siblings. I found I was not a Caregiver so placed Mom in an AL 5 min from me.
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If you don't want to care for someone you shouldn't. It is not selfish to honor your wants and needs. I am in a similar type situation only reversed. My mom lives with me after becoming disabled from a tumor removed on her spine. The tumor stemmed from stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to her spine and brain. This is THE hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. My sister cut my mother off shortly after her diagnoses and has helped with nothing. As angry as it makes me at times I understand. If I had known what I know now I would have made different choices. In my opinion they belong in nursing homes where they have a multitude of people to care for them and their needs. It is a beautiful and noble thing to want and try to take care of your loved ones however it comes at an enormous cost. If she needs help then she can hire help for those 3 weeks or put her in a nursing home. She has other options. You can even help her find help or help fund it if that makes you feel any better. You are not selfish, your husband is not selfish. Do what is right for you first always.
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JoAnn29 Jun 2023
Just curious, why have u not placed Mom.
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This may not be what you want to hear, but my folks, in their 80's lived by themselves in their beautiful home where they moved upon retiring. My dad died suddenly 2 years ago and my mom (who had been showing early signs of dementia) slipped into a combination of depression and grief. She wasn't taking care of finances, her pets, herself. I had to step in and take over the slack. That has turned into my mom not being able to drive anymore due to getting lost. She signed power of attorney over to me. I don't make any decisions without talking to her first. Times get really bad and takes so much out of me. I'm in my early 60's and have really painful arthritis due to broken legs ans ankles and titanium in both and a long history of seizures. But I take care of her house, my house. Her yard, my yard. Her bills, my bills. Grocery shopping, laundry, her pets, my dogs. And I'm divorced, no kids. No help. No support. I don't know what experience you may have with nursing homes. They are NOT a nice place to be. No fun to work there either. I wouldn't want my worse enemy to have to live the rest of their lives in a nursing home. Do some looking into nursing home complaints and you may get just a morsel of the reality that goes on there. Residents who may need help in ambulatory to the bathroom press their call button but aren't checked on until they have soiled themselves. That is the least disgusting example I'll discuss. I have talked to my mom about her living with me, me living with her or assisted living apartment. But at the moment, I am still doing an insane amount of heavy cleaning every time I'm there, which is 2-3 times a week and spending the night at least once a week. The rest of the time, I'm breaking my back in the yard, shopping for her, talking to doctors, tax specialist, paying bills, and there is always "something" that needs fixing or replacing. I sleep about 3 hours a night, eat when I remember, and trying to find some help. I have a half sister who lives in another state who calls my mom, sends her gifts on special days. But NEVER has offered to pay for a part time caregiver or housekeeper. Because until you are thrust into the situation of being a family caregiver, then you don't get it. It's impossible to understand just how taxing it is. Coupled with the emotional part of it being your parent, your loved one. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I have found myself breaking down crying for the stupidest reasons. Someone even called Adult Protective Services to check on my welfare. I was thoroughly embarrassed. But as I found this site, and a couple great books, I realized that my feelings, tears, feeling like I could pull my hair out was just part of this whole responsibility and I'm not alone. Now I spend a great deal of time trying to find help...to give me a break. Your younger sibling, as I, can not be a proper caregiver to your mother-in-law if she isn't a proper caregiver to herself. I shook my head when I read your words. Just as my half sister treats me. As well as my mom's siblings. All have their opinions, seem to think I should throw MY MOM into a home and let her be someone else's problem. Well, this woman changed my diapers, cleaned my puke, sat up late nights, sacrificed many dreams to be a good mom to me, a good wife. She never gave her responsibility as a parent to someone else when times were tough. A martyr....really? I hardly think of myself as a martyr. But I do consider my half sister and Mom's siblings to be armchair quarterbacks who can bad mouth me, seeming to know what's best, but are nowhere to be seen. Not one of them offering any help nor even coming to visit. And never calling me to just say "how is your mom? How are you?" They have suggested that I just want to spend her money. There is no money. My credit rating dropped by 200 points in 2 years so I can take care of Mom's bills and needs first. Your sister NEEDS a vacation.
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CTTN55 Jun 2023
As long as you sacrifice your own physical, mental, and emotional health in servitude to your mother, nothing will change. You know that.

So your half-sister is from your father's first marriage? (You write that you are your mother's only child.) I don't find it particularly surprising that a stepdaughter is not stepping up to help her stepmother. Do you?

What would happen to your mother if you were unable to take care of her?
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The term is not selfish, its selfcare. If mom is 95, I calculate, you being mid to late 60's.
Caring for a loved one ,especially parents, is not easy and regardless of who made the care arrangements, you do have a responsibility to help.
Solution: Seek out a care facility near you that will take someone for 30 days.
This will give your sibling a much needed break and you'll the opportunity to spend time with her.
You will be able to visit daily, take her on outings, or even have her spend the night with you.
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The term is not selfish, its selfcare. If mom is 95, I calculate, you being mid to late 60's.
Caring for a loved one ,especially parents, is not easy and regardless of who made the care arrangements, you do have a responsibility to help.
Solution: Seek out a care facility near you that will take someone for 30 days.
This will give your sibling a much needed break and you'll the opportunity to spend time with her.
You will be able to visit daily, take her on outings, or even have her spend the night with you.
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shetay: Prayers sent.
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You’re not selfish. They made the decision to take her in & now realizing what a responsibility it is. Maybe they did it for money? Anyway, tell them no. Children aren’t financially responsible for their parents. They do it out of love. If she’s difficult, they should entertain the thought s of long term care. They can hire someone or see if they can get respite care for her. Check with local AgingCenter.
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TheNewOrange Jun 2023
Of course she's selfish. That's OK, sometimes you have to be, but let's not pretend otherwise.
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I am not saying your sister has handled everything correctly, and I also do not think you are selfish.

But in my opinion it would not be unreasonable to give your sister a couple weeks rest a couple times a year in the short term while working on a better long term solution.
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You sister can choose A. Change or B. Stay the Same.

A. Change what she is doing:
From asking if you can but not hearing your reply - to asking if you can, listening & ACCEPTING your answer. You say yes or no as you need. If no, she moves on to other options: NON-family helpers (in her home or respite care).

B. Or Stay the Same..
Keep asking, not listening, not accepting, getting frustrated & resentful. Not getting respite care for Mother, not getting her holiday. Feeling then'victim'.

I'll add C. Await a Crisis.
A crisis will FORCE change upon her. Just as it does to stubborn elders who refuse help. Same.
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I had to reread you note a few times . I have no idea what your relationship is with your sister . I do know that BOTH of you have your hands full . I actually do know , I am into my sixth year of being the 24/7 careGIVER to a man with dementia ( mixed types. ) I watch more of who he was, die off each day .. There is no going back , ever ! Neither of you have it simple or easy . I do have some questions .
Is there a DPOA in place ? Who’s name is on it ? Is there a living will ? What is mom’s financial situation ? Does she have insurance ? Is she safe and comfortable . . Does she have others medical problems ? How about the will ? If you have has no input into any of the decisions and realistically are already overwhelmed by your husband, I see no reason to open your doors. I wish you some type of connection with your sister. Things would be easier for both of you with open conversation. There is help out there ..You just have to look for it . There are agencies and caregivers meetings . There is Hospice for your mom. There is Medicaid to help if you have to place her. There is therapy to help you and your sister. Both you and your sister would benefit if outside help was brought in . I am sure you both want MOM to be safe and
comfortable. None of us thought be would be where we are today, but it is what it is and it must be dealt with . You each have to do the best you can with what you have to work with . That is the most anyone on the outside should expect. There is NO shame and placing MOM where she will be safe .
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You & sister need to reevaluate the plan. First see elder law attorney for guidance. If she has $$$ & assets, you get directions on how to get Medicaid. Does she have long term care insurance? Was her husband a veteran? She can get aid & attendance from VA which helps pay for private aide. In any event, situation needs to change. I hope you can work with sister for a solution. Hugs 🤗
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NeedLove2 Jun 2023
I also responded to this person. I am my mom's caregiver. My dad died 2 years ago, very unexpectedly and my mom has dementia and depression since Dad died. My dad was a veteran. So is my mom. But, unless her income is below a certain standard, the VA will not provide a caregiver or even respite care. Since my mom worked her entire life and retired with a pension and social security as well as 60% of my dad's pension, then her income is too high. Regardless of her outstanding bills. And long term insurance wasn't even something anyone ever knew of, spoke of before she retired. I'm only hearing of it in recent years. She doesn't qualify for medicaid. The one thing that is available is charitable grants that will pay for respite care to a maximum each month for 3-4 months and a renewal applied for after that. Most states also have respite care programs designed to give the family caregiver a break once in awhile. The Alzheimers Society offer guidance and help even if it's not alzheimers. It's a tough situation to be in and NO ONE has the right to cast stones. And why would they? Trade places with her foe a couple weeks and get an idea as to just how physically and emotionally taxing this is.
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If money isn't a problem and you and your husband have always been happy to contribute financially, how about offering to pay for respite care to give the primary caregivers a break? Why does having her in your home have to be the only option?
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Yes you should refuse, and no you should not feel guilty or selfish.

If your sister was unfathomably stupid enough to take in your mother, that’s her problem. She should be in a nursing home.
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"I feel like we can't refuse to keep her because ... "

There is NO because and YES, you can refuse them.

If you believe or feel you are 'being a selfish wench?' you will feel this way.
Examine your belief system. Beliefs can be changed as one decides to do so.

Gena / Touch Matters
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I’m sorry your husband had a stroke. It’s got to be a challenging situation.

Your sister & her husband want 6 weeks support while they take on the remaining 46. They carry the burden so yes, you lack compassion and show little understanding about the role of daughter/son-in-law-caregiver when the parent lives longer than the caregivers’ expectation. Your sister and BIL are making sacrifices to give your mother a lifestyle she wants. So yeah, they get to feel like a saint and martyr and everything in between.

It doesn’t sound like you wanted your sister to consider your opinion; it sounds like you wanted your way and resent the fact that they didn’t take it and want help. Your sister is saving your mother the cost of being in a facility. If there’s an inheritance left because of this, do you expect to inherit? And if your mother doesn’t have the money for a full-time facility, are you offering to pay for it?

If you can’t handle three weeks, ask for 3 two week periods and hire help for your mother and husband. Or pay for your mom and/or husband to go to a respite caregiver facility (places designed to give caregivers a break).

PS. if your sister hadn’t taken in your mother, would she have spent Covid years in assisted living lockdown?
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Way2tired Jun 2023
Erikka, OP sounds like she is not in the position to take care of the mother right now . It’s too much for her . It doesn’t mean the derogatory assumptions that you have extrapolated from her post . Which imo are off base .

The issue now is that the mother needs care. Why should OP pay for the mother’s care ? She’s not obligated to spend her money on the mother , especially when she may need it for her husband’s care .

Do you think OP should pay because the sister is saving the mother money and possibly inheritance as you mentioned ? Retirement savings should be used to take care of the person in retirement . That’s what it is for. I can’t stand when people say that their inheritance is being wasted on a nursing home. There is no such thing as inheritance until the person dies .

The mother’s own money should be used to pay for her care whether it be help coming in or a respite facility.

I took care of both my parents without the help of my 4 siblings, nor did I ask for help . I did not feel like I had the right to act like a saint or a martyr .

You can’t force caregiving on someone else . If the sister needs a break she makes other arrangements if OP can’t help . It’s that simple . If OP wants , she can help find a respite facility and visit the mother . The guilt trip you put on is ridiculous .
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Respite care would provide a great opportunity for all concerned.

Try making a group appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and an Elder Law Attorney who can mediate the issues.
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My Dh made the decision to care for his mom 24/7 in her home with his YS.

He is mad at ME b/c I have no relationship with his mother and so I was adamant that would not do one single thing to help with her care (hands on, is what I mean, I will do a lot behind the scenes).

MIL is in this situation b/c YS promised her she'd never put her in a home.

It's killing us. I am having heart issues b/c of the stress DH brings home with him after 24 hrs with his mother.

If your family want to be martyrs, let them be. And look into respite care for the 3 weeks they want to be away.
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If my sibling had made a decision to take my mother in, without consulting me, I wouldn't help them. I have a full plate and couldn't provide any significant support or care for my mother without severely impacting my mental, physical and financial health, and that of my kids. From what the OP states, she has other obligations with her own husband and physical and mental health issues.

They have options, respite care, in home carers or moving their mother to a facility that can provide the higher level of care she needs.

OP, you aren't selfish, and I think you should continue to advocate for yourself and find a better solution for your mother.
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NeedLove2 Jun 2023
As I understood this situation, this sister lives far away and the sister who is caring for the mother was living near Mom. It stands to reason that her sister has probably always been the one to pick up the slack for the parents since it was geographically logical. But I do not see that a nursing home, where Mom doesn't have any of her pictures on the wall, no phone, no pet, just other lonely seniors spending their final days / years in a understaffed, smelly, very lonely home may be easier but just not fair. And the sister not wanting to offer help (whether she was notified or not) should, in my opinion, feel obligated to offer some type of assistance (monetary or otherwise), even moral support is just the right thing to do. Karma may want to pay her a visit one day.
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I think a little honest perspective is needed from every caregiver here. May I suggest that each caregiver write down the pros and cons of their particular situation, including physical, emotional and financial victories and challenges. Pros and cons are both equally important as to why you are caregiving. As you write down the pros and cons, state them factually, and if it is something emotional to you, say “I feel…“ Do not use comments that start with “You…“ You comments put the other person on the defensive and ruin the conversation. Writing this down will help you gain perspective on your own situation, and then when you read your sister’s and husband’s perspectives, you will gain greater understanding of their situation. The same will happen with them. Sharing your perspectives factually, and in such a way that the other person doesn’t feel under attack, will help your families come to a better understanding. This is a technique used in business for conflict resolution. Take your time in writing this down, Do it over the course of a week. Then send your perspective to your sister and her husband and have them send their perspectives to you. Give yourselves a week to digest their information and really think about it. When you talk to them, do everything you can to not fight and to really listen and acknowledge what they’re saying. A good way to acknowledge is to repeat what they just said and ask “did I understand you correctly.” There is no way to guarantee how your sister and her husband will respond, but you will know that you’re going into the to discussion receptive and levelheaded about your situation. I wish you luck as family can be quite difficult to deal with as old hurts are always there.

Another thing you can do before writing any of this down, is to ask your mother what she really wants. Her decision should be an informed decision. An informed decision involves looking at all living options. In your mothers case, she would probably need to go in assisted-living, which is significantly better than going to a nursing home. If you don’t know the difference between the two, please look up on this website the differences. Depending on which state your mother is living in, there are smaller facilities that house 5 to 6 people, typically in a single family home,. In some states they are classified as adult foster homes. If you call the local area agency on aging where your sister lives, you’ll be able to get some additional help and have an idea of what options are available. You will also make a better impression on your sister knowing what’s out there. Make sure you don’t sound like you’re pushing for mom to move into a place. A lot of kids take their parents in out of guilt and are horrified at the idea of their parents living in a community environment. Many studies done at the University level have shown that older adults tend to do better living in a community environment then at home with their children. They feel more independent and not a burden to their families. Depending on how you present this to your sister, she may understand that she has other options.

Finally, many care facilities offer a service known as respite. This is to give families breaks from caregiving. Your sister’s area agency on aging should be able to give you information on this. You need a break, too, so this could be helpful for you as well.
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I guess everyone missed the part where the OP's husband had a stroke so she is already dealing with that so now you want her to take on her in-law also. I certainly understand that her sister in law has taken on the parent full time and does need a break. That is why having the parent stay at a facility is the best choice. My other concern is that the BIL is realizing this is too much and I think it is a valid concern that if the OP takes in the parent for those 3 weeks, no one will come to pick her back up.
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Way2tired Jun 2023
I second this post, and posted a similar opinion near the beginning of this thread .
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If the situation changes, you might get that second chance to “place” your MIL. My older West coast sister died suddenly at 54 and my situation changed from being an East Coast observer to the only surviving relative for my 70 year old declining mother.
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I single handedly take care of my 95 year old mom , I ve had to put my life completely on hold to care for her and my father who passed 2yrs ago ! She has severe dementia and believes me I so badly wish I had someone that would just jump in and make decisions, help in any way !! Like it or not , you are all family … true … be grateful for the help ! Im exhausted ! Good luck ! 💚
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NeedLove2 Jun 2023
OMG, finally someone else gets it. Thank you for sharing. I am going thru the same thing. My mom has dementia. Okay days, and really bad days. My dad died very suddenly 2 years ago. What some people don't realize is, this is MY MOM. I would stand in front of a moving train for her, as I would have for my dad. I still have not had the time to properly grieve the loss of my rock, my dad. I have had to hold my mom's head above water as she began the slide into depression as well as dementia. It is back breaking to clean my house and her house, take care of both yards, grocery shop, laundry, meds, pets, doctors, taxes, reminders. I feel like I'm going crazy at times. If I were caring for someone else's mom it wouldn't be nearly the stress as caring for my own mom who can't remember the times she and I spent going to the movies together or trips we took, etc. She can't remember yesterday. It breaks my ever loving heart. As I see it, she wiped my butt and fed me, bathed me, took me to the doctor, explained things to me, tucked me in at night, made sure I was safe when I was a child. I shouldn't do the same for her. It's what FAMILY does. And I don't have anyone offering to help or even offer moral support. Only armchair quarterbacks who are quick to criticize but are nowhere around. And don't call to just say, "how are YOU?" In fact my sister has blocked me from her Facebook and my line. She calls my mom but I haven't heard from her since Dad died. I don't even know why. I don't have time to worry about her or anyone but my mom. As you said, if someone could just give me a break from the bill paying and decision making, it would help . I'm sure neither you nor I ever in a million years saw this day in our future. It has put my life on hold. I don't have a life. But I will take care of my mom, as she took care of me.
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I agree with the concensus in all the responses.
Give them the break! If you can not do it hire someone who can and let them have their vacation. Despite any relationship issues with the mother she still is a human being who needs help and that help should be from all involved.
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Aging and caring for oneself and family while aging is challenging to say the least and brings with it many family emotions, past and present.
While each of you have valid feelings, try to do what is best for the mother at this point. Keep her interest and care needs at heart, and while recognizing the family differences, do the right thing for the mother/ the most vulnerable and in need member of the family at this time. If you honestly cannot see yourselves being involved anymore in any way now, please graciously decline and, allow the other part of the family to go forward with decisions. Also hopefully there are POA documents in place as to who has been designated by the mother to make decisions on her behalf. If not, the family may need to confer.
There should be guidance offered to all by her PCP as to her " level of care needs" and an assigned case manager usually a licensed social worker who can help families navigate choices, options for care.
The family may also benefit from conferring with an Elder Law Attorney.
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Well I've been in this situation but from the other side. I didn't just jump in, my siblings took three steps back and being the only female in the family maybe they thought the role should belong to me. That being said at the time daughter moved Mom did you or her son protest or say "Let's talk this out first" ? So they have had her and I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for your help for 3 weeks every six weeks; that equals six weeks total out of 52 weeks. If you or your husband cannot physically handle it then hire someone to help you for those two 3 week intervals, if you were willing to offer financial help before reserve that financial help for this purpose. I had four brothers and now only one surviving and my husband died years ago so its just me doing everything but I reached out and told my brother I REALLY need help. In the beginning he wasn't so helpful but came around and because we can let go of resentment we work together. I let him know when I need a vacation or a weekend off. Try to let go of how you feel that your sister in law just made decisions, that is in the past, go forward into the future looking at each if you as a team member and work together. It will save a lot of hard feelings and resentment later on if you work together to be on the same page and the benefit will be your mother in law having the best care from ALL in her last years.
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