Hello! My in laws have moved out after living with us for over three months. It is clear to all family members and friends that they can not live alone, however they are back in Florida in a 2nd story condo, with a car, and no help. This brings up a lot of safety issues, compounded by the fact that my 87 year old mother in law is very frail, but will be cooking, cleaning, etc. with no help. My father in law will do nothing and will not move, even though my mother in law has begged and cried. Their relationship is such that she will not leave without him, even if that means they will drive together, a situation which terrifies her, and she is already directly on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I'm wondering if there is any course the siblings (adult children) can take to force a move to a more structured living facility. Friends of theirs from the condo are contacting my sister in law expressing concern! There is an independent living facility near one of the adult children, with everything they need and want, its just the matter of my father in law refusing to change. We have all been very frank with him, telling him that his wife can not do this any more, and it fell on deaf ears. We held nothing back, to no avail. Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks.
I suspect I will get snarky replies from some other readers but I stand by my statement.
That's sad. She is endangering her own life. Has she always been this submissive?
If someone (one of the "kids") showed up and offered her a ride to the IL facility, would she take the opportunity to move, or even to look?
Does Gma realize that the state will take guardianship and neither she nor her kids will have ANY say in where they end up? (This is unlikely to happen, but CAN. I might tell a therapeutic fib strong enough to get her to make a move).
My parents were in independent living and dad was still driving with early dementia. I just knew he was going to be one of those elders that went for a trip to the neighborhood store but ended up several states away. At the time I didn't voice my concerns to my father (according to him he was perfectly capable of driving. AAAAAUUUUUUGH). I'd ask my mom from time to time and voice my concerns and of course she'd continue to ride with him as long as she felt safe - ya just gotta love it! Luckily nothing ever happened and I did get him to volunteer to give up driving. Of course, he complained for the next of year that I made him quit driving- I forced him to volunteer.
The family can try and get in home help, if that is refused, someone should call the appropriate gov agency to do an evaluation of their situation. I wouldn't think the authorities wouldn't appoint a guardian/conservator for them without working with the family first.
The family needs to present a united front and continue try and convince them they deserve a better and safer life. Good luck.
He was willing & able to move to a condo? But not accept home help or move to IL/AL. Why?
? He's the boss - don't be telling ME what to do youngsters! (Pride)
? Because HE is ok & is too egocentric to glace over as his wife & see her needs? (won't or can't).
Or maybe doesn't know what to do or how to go about it - staying put is just easier. (Judgement & planning skills kaput)
On a scale from Flexible like a sapling to Inflexible like concrete - where would he be?
PS I forgot fear. Is he scared of a vision of a 1900s nursing home. Has he ever toured a new hotel like AL facility?
I had the opposite situation, it was my Mom would refused to downsize even thought Dad thought it was a good idea, but Dad wouldn't move without Mom. Dad knew at 90+ that he was limited on what he could now do around the house, but Mom, also in her 90's, still saw him as Superman, leaping tall buildings at a single bound, to fix things around the house and attend to outside needs. Plus it was very hard to say "no" to my Mom.
Like so many on this forum, I had to wait for a medical emergency. Mom fell with head trauma, doctor said time for a caregiver to help her. Nope, never, nada. No woman was going to come into HER house.
Sure enough another head trauma fall, but with complications that caused my Mom to pass. It didn't take Dad long to sell the house and move into senior living. We found a facility that had Independent Living.... Assisted Living.... Memory Care. So as Dad advanced, he knew he would still be seeing the same Staff members, and having the same meals :) He missed Mom terribly and wished she would have move to such a facility years earlier, she may have lived longer.
Hope your Dad-in-law faces reality, otherwise he may lose the love of his wife over his own stubbornness. What he is putting her though is shortening her life :(
You might consider a call to APS telling us exactly what you have to us. Let them open a case. They will contact social worker system and family if they feel guardianship is needed, and the social workers can help with getting at least temporary guardianship assigned to family member if APS feels this is an unsafe situation. Often they will not assess it as such, and you will be left waiting for the shoes to drop. Sorry, an awful situation to be in. It may help with your APS to have the neighborhood friends who are "concerned" to call APS at the same time the family does.
Unfortunately you can't force anything unless he has been declared legally incompetent by a judge.
What a shame that he doesn't think more of his wife. She is the one that will suffer from his stubbornness.
I would try to get daily help for her if that is the only way to help her.
If they can afford a condo and assisted living, can some in-home help be hired? Maybe a few hrs a day to clean and do meal prep? Tell dad neighbors are reporting them as not being safe, so he needs to make some changes before others get involved.