Am I being selfish if I go on this trip?

I gave up going on a day trip to another state when Mom was on hospice but that was mostly because I was her only caregiver on weekends. If she was in a facility or if I had a caregiver lined up, I would have most likely gone. It turns out she died that day but it could have easily gone the other way and she could have lingered. You can't put your life on hold forever. If you know that you have done everything right while she was cognitive, don't feel guilt about not being there when she doesn't even know you are there.

Can't the Hospice workers give you some input about how they view her condition? I've read that they may know the signs of whether a person is likely to have months or days. Of course, it's not a precise thing, but, if you really want to attend the Anniversary event, which sounds like a very momentous occasion, I'd consider it.

Flashpoint, whatever you decide to do, and whatever the outcome, you will wish you did the opposite... that's just human nature.

In two weeks you will know more about your Mom's condition to help you gauge what would be your choice, to stay or to go.

Anniversaries are a great milestone, but if you missed it would you feel guilty? You would be able to forgive yourself. Could someone set up a Skype so you could feel like you are part of party without being there? Why I say this, would you be able to enjoy yourself being away or would your mind be overwhelmed worrying about Mom, and double checking your cellphone every few minutes?

I will share with you a true story about what a friend of mine, Em, did when her mother had Alzheimer's, was living in a nursing home, and 95 or 96 years old.

Em planned and paid for a cruise for her family (three state rooms) for her 50th wedding anniversary. It was a joyous occasion. She told the nursing home that if her mother died while she was on the cruise that she wanted her "put on ice" and she would make arrangements upon her return.

She went on the cruise, her mother lived for another three years, cheating death five or six times along the way, and Em still talks about that cruise with her family.

Life is for the living. That has always been Em's perspective. Sadly, Em's husband died suddenly a few months after the cruise. Em recently downsized into a new house and is planning bilateral knee replacement because she plans on living each day to its fullest.

Go.

I have cared for my mother and aunts for the last 20 years, and now it's just my mother. She is 90 years old, and my husband and I make arrangements for her to be cared for by a dear friend whenever we're gone. I have the same feeling any time we go anywhere, and nothing has happened any of the times we have traveled. My sons and their wives also check in on her and take her out. It's hard to know when anything will or won't happen, so go and enjoy your life. You have done everything right and shouldn't blame yourself if she passes while you're away. Whatever happens, whether you're there or not, is beyond your control. Best wishes and safe travels! :)

You should go. I care for both of my aging parents (dad, 84 in long term care; mom 83 at home and fairly independent but has stage IV colon cancer with chemo every other week which I attend faithfully with her. Thank goodness for an understanding employer).

For the past 2 years outside of working, my job has been to be close by "in case" something happens, with my dad falling & breaking his hip in January & being in facilities since I really felt my life would be on hold, not complaining, just saying:). I ended up doing weekend trips every weekend from the last in April through May and everyone was fine! I'm so glad I went because each trip I NEEDED since I've been so focused on being a caregiver. Life is for living, go visit with your family & enjoy it.

Please go. Life is for the living. I am sure (hoping anyway) that your mom would want you to go and enjoy yourself.
We had my mother's funeral prepaid. Hoping you do too so in the event something happens that is taken care of.
Who's to say you are going to be there when she passes even if you stay home?

I agree with the consensus. Those who care for their ageing parents need a break to nourish themselves (for a change). Go.

Go on the trip,, I have been watching my mom for 10 years she is 95,,,, last 3 months have been getting really bad,,, hospice comes to the house 4 times a week but only an hour or 2 I get to go food shopping or the drug store,, haven't been fishing foe 5 years,, I haven't seen my kids in 20 years or met my grankids,,, hard very hard,,

I cancelled my planned and paid for trip when my husband was put in hospice. A year later, he is still here. Since traveling with my grandchildren has always been one of my greatest pleasures, I will probably ease back into it since my husband has a very good care facility. I plan to stay close enough to home that I can get back in s matter of hours. 550 miles should get you back in plenty of time if something should happen but, if not, you've been there for her, loved her and cared for her and yes, she would want you to get on with your life. I'm a mother---trust me, I know.

I too agree with everyone above. Unless you are told that there are clear signs that the end is imminent, as there are often undeniable signs, you have the right to go and be with your other family members with whom you have not been able to spend time as you have been devoted to your Mum. Even if you stayed home as you normally do you have no way of knowing whether you will actually be with your Mum when she takes her last breath as even being in the same room or bed does not ensure being awake and aware of the person next to you passing.
Guilt is a powerful yet completely wasteful emotion. It does nothing to serve us in a positive way. Rather it holds us captive in a negative state unable to move on and let go. You have nothing to feel guilty for as you have done the best you could for your Mum every step of the way. She could continue for quite a few more years. When do you start living again? Are you willing to wait five more years to see your son and his family?
You have much to consider but none of it should be laced in guilt or regret regarding your Mum. We often get so consumed with the caring of our loved one that the rest of our nearest and dearest get put on the back burner, most especially ourselves. If your Mum is in her 90s and your son is in his 50s you must be at least in your 70s. Be sure to get your living and loving in while you are still healthy and well enough to do so yourself. Do not let all of your viable years get taken up by your role as a caregiver. That would be the ultimate loss and tragedy in all of this. Never forget how much your happiness, your marriage and your family matters.
I wish you peace as you contemplate what is best for you. You alone must look in the mirror every day and consider who you are to yourself, your Mum and your family. You alone lay in bed at night and ponder these thoughts before you fall asleep, if you sleep at all with all you are carrying on your shoulders.
With peace and gratitude XO

This is a difficult question. When my mom passed, in a memory care facility/Hospice care, I was not at her bedside but only 10 minutes away. I could have been hours away and she still would have passed, and even if I HAD been at her bedside, she wouldn't have known it. On the other hand, since I am an only child, I had to handle her arrangements. She made things very easy by pre-planning but signatures were still needed, etc. My family is all local,so I had them close-by for support. Traveling is expensive, and had I been out of town when she passed, my enjoyment of the occasion would have been over. The Hospice nurse knew my mom's time was near. She let me know without coming right out and saying it, that Mom didn't have much longer. She was 95, btw, but still my mom. If my son still lived out of state, my own personal feeling is that I would have postponed visiting him. He would have been there in the future, but mom would not.

I would speak honestly with the facility . They can't make your decision for you nor predict the future, but can give you their observations and advice.

Thank you flashpoint for posting this question. My mom is no where near hospice care, but she has dementia and it has reached the point where she can't stay here alone at night. She s lived with me for over 20. Years. We have a cruise planned in late July. I have been agonizing over her care. I think I do have it covered. It's also opened my eyes to what services are available. If necessary, she can go to a great place with skilled nursing , or their employees can stay here. I wanted to cancel the cruise , but my daughter and husband really want to go. All of the responses to your question have helped me . Thanks again for posting this. Have fun at your event

Go on the trip.

If you do not go, and your mom does not pass away during that time...you will regret not going. A missed opportunity of a lifetime.

If you skip the trip, and your mom does pass...there will not be anything you can do to change that by staying.

Enjoy your trip GUILT FREE. You can't save her life by sitting home.

Well ...I don't necessarily agree with the consensus. She just started hospice. This is not like she is in regular care mode, she is supposedly in dying mode.

Truly you must search yourself to determine whether going or staying home would be better for you. My mother was on hospice for three weeks before passing, others go on and off hospice for years. This couple of days of fun will not be worth it if you carry guilt for the rest of your life and feel you abandoned your mother to die alone with no loved one with her. The key is how you will internalize not being there if your mom passes. Only you know the answer to this.

If you feel missing her passing would leave you with emotional baggage out-weighing the pleasure of attending the function, don't go. Ultimately the party will not be worth it. On the other hand you could make your plans to go, letting the hosts know the situation. If in the day or two before you are to leave, your mothers condition deteriorates, you can cancel the trip.

There is no right or wrong in this, no good or bad. You just need to take a hard look at how you are internally wired and determine what is best for you in the long run.

No, you're not being selfish and you probably need that trip anyway. It's actually been said that there have been times people will deliberately hold off on dying because they don't want to die in front of anyone. In some cases, the person has been known to be able to wait until everything is quiet and they are alone. Sometimes people tend to wait until everyone is away for a while even if it's just in the next room. If you keep popping in, they'll keep holding on even if it's their time to go and they end up just not going. Sometimes you just have to wonder why some older people get cranky and wonder if this is the real reason why in some cases. Maybe they secretly know their time is getting near and they need to be left alone? You can only wonder but hindsight is a good teacher as they say. Things don't often connect until after the fact when the situation is done and over. I don't know the condition of your loved one, but if it's truly their time to go, they'll go at the right time. I would go ahead before the trip and start working on saying your goodbyes in case the patient goes before you get home. I'm sure the hospice nurse  knows how to get a hold of you if you left her your number. 

You also don't want to leave your love one alone without someone else being there with elder abuse on the rise these days. I just watched a whole bunch of YouTube videos on this and you'd be surprised at the corruption even in this particular field of where caregivers come in to the home and end up stealing from the patient while on the job. I very recently saw where this was caught on security camera because I guess the elder had complained of some things going missing. Lo and behold, the elder's complaint was right. What ended up happening is someone set up a hidden camera and caught the person right in the act and it was caught on video. Don't leave your loved one there with a total stranger without someone else also being there to supervise. Your loved one is in the last stage of their life and the last thing you'll need is for the patient to be taken advantage of or even stolen from. You don't know that maybe some of that jewelry is in the person's funeral plans to be buried with them and how can the mortician honor that request if that jewelry is missing? Simple, they can't unless there happens to be a close replacement. Some people do have favorite items they want buried with them when they go  and it's up to us to make sure those items are protected along with the elder. You definitely want to study up on what to look for and how to spot signs of elder abuse because sometimes our love ones can be taken advantage of when they're at their most vulnerable. Don't leave your loved one alone with a stranger, have someone else there to make sure everything goes all right because I'm serious, our loved ones are at a much higher risk now than they were years ago. In fact, someone even said that society is falling apart and we're all at risk because these days it's hard to find anyone you can even trust. At risk adults often don't even trust no one, and I don't blame them, after having been abused throughout my life, even I have serious trust issues. I don't blame people for taking proper measures to protect themselves because these days there has been so much corruption found in the very sources we should be able to trust and among them is our caregivers. I know this for a fact, I had suspicious discoveries after my bio dad died and I'm now in the midst of an estate case where it was found out dad's past POA had acted fraudulently in the past and it was all over taxes. If someone has had money trouble before and got in trouble several times over taxes and had multiple cases against them over the same thing, what would they do to our loved ones who have money and assets?  This is why it's never a good idea to leave our loved ones in the care of total strangers but in some cases it can't be helped when you are too far away to be in the picture or there has been past abuse against you by that person who is now in their last stage of life. When it's a case of your past abuser, this is a whole different ball game because you can't be there to stop elder abuse from happening no matter what the situation. This is why sometimes you hear sad stories about suspicious activity surrounding that person after the person has died. This is why so many times the rightful heirs discover their inheritances were hijacked by fraudulent individuals. 


I hope you're able to have someone there with your loved one while you're on this trip because you all don't need the risk of your dying love one being taken advantage of. 

I wouldn't exactly say you should feel guilty about this trip, but you should be very concerned and you're very right to be concerned. Are you sure these are feelings of guilt and not concern of something bad happening to your dying loved one? What you think is guilt may not be guilt at all, it might actually be extreme concerned that something is just not right about the situation though you may not know what. Maybe those feelings you think our guilt are really not guilt, but extreme concern that something is just not right, and you're probably right. Don't ignore those feelings. You may need the trip but if you feel for some reason that something feels a little off about the situation, listen to that feeling and act accordingly. Don't ignore that gut feeling that maybe trying to tell you something's wrong, and if something is wrong, it's probably not guilt of the trip, it's probably just that feeling of telling you something's off and it needs your attention

I would ask Hospice for their assessment about how long she has. If it's a very short time, I wouldn't go. This is just my perspective. If I were in your shoes and my mom's was potentially short, I wouldn't go. Knowing myself, I would have a hard time forgiving myself if she died while I was gone. I would feel guilty. I have no doubt, though, my friends and family would encourage me to go and would not blame me if I was away when she passed away. However, my mom has dementia and I imagine by the time she passes she would be to the severe level and wouldn't even know if I was there or not. I would know, though. It's just my personality type, it would haunt me but that's me and I wouldn't want that guilt hanging over my formthe rest of my life. Caregivers need time away and in a generalization it would not be anything to feel bad about but I know I would. Whoever I was going to visit or wherever I was going, it will still be there but my mom may not.

I was going to add something but my edit button was gone so I must start a new post.

What I was going to add is that if needed, before you go on your trip, you can at least reduce the chance of your dying loved one being stolen from by locking up all of the jewelry, the checkbook, car keys, debit cards and other important valuables just to be safe while you're gone. You can put these valuables into a bank safety deposit box or a private in-home safe and keep the key on you. For the best safekeeping though I would go for the bank safety deposit box but this is up to you. You can at least stop potential thieves from stealing from your guy and loved one while you're gone by just locking up everything thieves would potentially steal. That way, you have peace of mind knowing you stamped out the possibility of financial abuse and you just won't have to deal with that later especially if your loved one does happen to pass while you're gone

Mine is not going to be the popular answer. No you are not being selfish, but if you feel unable to forgive yourself, that what joy is there in taking the chance? You seem to have the ability to go when you want. These are, not to put them or the relationship down, inlaws...not next of kin, which you seem to want a chance to see even more. If it were me and my comfort, I'd rather stay and be there for mom. I
had some experiences: my grandmother was in a nursing home when I was about 18. She was out of our state, had Alzheimer's. When things took a turn for the worse, we drove in. We left her and went to have something to eat, then to a friend's home for the night. The call came early in the AM that she had passed away. I will never forgive myself for not being with her. And so when her son, my beloved uncle had a major heart attack, my mom (his sister), dad and I went...and I would not leave his side except briefly if the nurses had to do something. I sat with him, I held his hand, I was with him as left us. I have never regretted that. My grandmother did not die in vain alone because I learned from that. No matter what, I send wishes for your joy and peace and comfort.

Go on this important trip! Whatever happens, go! What a wonderful thing to be able to share your son's 50th wedding anniversary! Since you know your mother is well-cared- for, you have no reason for guilt.
A year ago, my father-in-law went on Hospice. His condition was horrible. The Hospice nurse said she thought he had "days, not weeks" left to live. Not a promise, just an opinion. My brother-in-law cancelled his much-needed vacation with his family so to be there. We pre-planned FIL's funeral.
My brother-in-law has spent this entire wearisome last year helping Mom take care of Dad. Dad is still going strong, for his age and Parkinson's condition; but it has nearly killed Mom and BIL. He finally recognized that care-giving and worry has made him physically ill, and he is leaving tomorrow on that family vacation.
You have to live in the present and enjoy blessings like 50th anniversaries.

I also have a good friend who worked in the off-shore oil industry. He and his mother were very close, and they knew that her time was near before he left for his 30-day work stint. They said their good-byes the last time he saw her; she passed while he was off shore. He was glad that they had talked about it and given each other their love before he left. You might want to consider this with your mom, too.
Hospice usually has a chaplain who is trained in helping families in this time of life, so that might be a helpful resource for you, too.
God bless!

If you were leaving her alone in her apartment/dwelling - then maybe you should stay.

But your staying isn't going to do anything to help her and she is being cared for. Remember to tell her that you're going and that you love her and will be back soon. We don't know how much they understand when they cannot respond to us.

If you're that worried, you can always call the home daily to check up on Mom. The nurses would probably welcome you doing that.

Have fun on your trip - you earned it and deserve it.

You ask if it would be selfish to go on this trip; but I don't think that's actually your question.

Of course it wouldn't be selfish. The real problem is that for you it's a risk: you're weighing the opportunity to enjoy a family (but not your family) celebration with your son against the anxiety that your mother might die when you're too far away to get back to be with her.

The reason I don't just say "go" is that I'm guessing that the real reward from your point of view is seeing your son. And at that kind of event, are you actually going to spend any worthwhile time with him? I'm not sure this particular gamble is worth it.

If it were me, I'd write an appreciative note to the in-laws - it is lovely of them to include you - and send an appropriate golden wedding anniversary card/gift. But I wouldn't go.

You haven't seen your son in a year? Why not? Does it have to do with the fact that mom has been ill?

Have you had any respite?

There are many who believe our loved ones choose whether to have someone around when they die, oftentimes waiting until you are gone to die and sometimes even hanging in a few days until a loved one arrives. There is no way of knowing what Gids plans are. You could die before him and never get the chance to see your son again. Go. She'll be waiting for you to get back if she wants you there.

I have decided to go on this trip. After reading your responses, I know it is what mom would want me to do. I know her well, and she would never want me to stay home and miss this chance. Life is for the living. She would feel this way too. I just never thought about what she would want before reading your thoughts. She is in a very good facility. The hospice team has high praise for it and I like everyone who works there. I know she is in good hands. I feel so much better now. I can't thank you all enough for your input. Bless you all!!!

No guarantees but we squally hospice knows within a few days if someone is passing

This is an opportunity for you and your husband to go to a celebration, a 50th wedding anniversary. Give your husband time and go with him, he is important too. Family occasions are to be celebrated, not left becuase of an elderly loved one. They only come around once. Yes, your mother is still there, an if she happens to pass away while you are away, she has carers around her. No, you are not being selfish, you are entitled to a little enjoyment in life, like a celebration, aren't you? Don't beat yourself up. You have done your very best for your Mum. Arlene Hutcheon

Hola.

First, i pray for your lovely parent, who  just went into hospice. I pray for all. I know my dad is lucky not to be in there. No need Dr.,agree.He is home with us,and he prefer to be home and he is not as bad as most, thankfully and doing well most times.
Now ...
I have to respectfully negate, from all who are citing so easily to just up and leave.I know mi father is lucky to be in his lovely 1 family ranch style home in a beautiful area of Rocky Mount,NC he own for over decade + few yrs."He is able to still function,and is doing well exceptional as dr., just again had recently informed me and my mother.

Ergo:

I have to again with respect going to say, No. I would NOT leave anywhere farther than a local nice quiet suburban-town drive, local driving, near mom and daddy house. I love to know i am here, for a long year while dad survive his light to mild stroke after being perfectly healthy dr. say (early 80s)barely a lil sniffle! Now, we are "extra-caring for dad." No matter what. . . There is just no way i can "go."
-
 The only way i can go the far rides to get away for an event or somewhere, would've been if:
I am bringing him with us. I just would feel so guilty,that's all. I am trying to literally spend EACH/EVERY moment,of mi life with daddy! Seriously,and literally. I love it.

Actually  early today we were all out for like five to six hours...Boy,did we have alot of fun and my mother.
-
  We just went today out again and had a great time, and took a 45 minute, ride (and back/forth) and then hung out more,as he is now in the early light/mild dementia,and still cognitive very much, coherent.
(Most times)
-Hence, if you're going, do NOT let it be all on your conscience/and or i would have to say to mi self, "Is a party worth it, knowing my beloved bff(best friend)my parents, or parent is going to in a day or two or weeks pass onto his or her final resting place,in heaven.)I just would not do it. that is me though.
In conclusion/summary:

-Do what you're feeling is best/call in around the clock,if you're going as i would do, to check up on her. Hospice i've learned over the years, is when you're at your "final stages in life,and i think it is a very sad thing."I just couldn't go with this on mi conscience."
-
Whatever you're planning to do, just be sure to be at "peace" with your decision,and either way,God bless you and your loving parent. I just would not go,as there will be some time later to "go." Then again this has to be your decision,so please make the right one and moreover, the best one for you.
Adios.

Last year we were preparing to take a long bus trip to a wedding out of state. That very week, my mother, in a nursing home with dementia for two years, started to 'decline'. She was in bed and sleeping most of the time, not eating much. The day the bus was to leave, I was still undecided whether to go. I called the nursing home and they said she was stable, in no pain, just sleeping most of the time, she could pass away in a day, a week, or a month. I consulted with everyone I knew, and everyone said, go. Get on the bus and go... I called the funeral parlor to give them a heads up, and he said if Mom passed away over the weekend (I called him Friday morning) he would pick up her body but nothing would be done until Monday. I called my cousins who were members of her church and they agreed to come up and sit with her. So, I got on the bus and went on the trip. When I got to the hotel 9 hours later and met my brother, he said Mom had died that morning. We all had a short cry, but it wasn't unexpected and we decided to tell no one till after the wedding. Got back home Sunday night and the next three days there was a church service and burial. It was a bit hasty and we forgot to call one or two people, but my brother had to get back to work, 2000 miles away....So, I had issues with my mother all my life. I was not racked with guilt and grief, and it was a blessing she passed away as her life with severe dementia was no life at all. But she was not alone, thanks to my cousins, and I had spent previous years almost killing myself being her sole caregiver, so I had no guilt....This is not to say I didn't grieve. I hear certain songs and start to cry. Mother's Day, always painful for me, was particularly poignant this year. I know with utmost certaintly, if my mom had been clearheaded and able to speak, she would have ordered me to go to the wedding. Whatever she was, she was not selfish or ungenerous in her later years. I went with a clear conscience and knew I did the best I could, as did my brother when we got back home.