Why do parents with dementia want their children to take care of all the minor issues but they still want to be the boss of everything else?

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Why do parents with dementia want their children to take care of all the minor issues but they still want to be the boss of everything else?

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My mom has gotten into the nasty habit of what seems like helplessness by not taking care of minor issues, such as making a phone call to her apartment manager to request a minor repair. She complains about the problem bitterly because it hasn't been repaired. I've stopped jumping in to take care of these small items because when I have she wants and does direct the whole operation down to the smallest detail and critically I might add.. So, obviously she could have handled it on her own. Besides finding this aggrevating and wasting time, it seem like a control issue or attention seeking behavior. I'm not being mean when she complains but know she is capable of handling this. So what is going on here?

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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My guess is some control issues, some attention seeking, and lots of dementia-related disability. Wanting to be the boss seems understandable enough (even if it is not reasonable under the circumstances). Not being willing (or able?) to take the initiative with a phone call, hmmm ... don't know why that would be but I'll bet that it is related to the dementia.

With dementia we have to remember that our loved ones' brains are not working correctly. Not absolutely everything is screwed up, but bits and pieces are, When we see some parts working as they always have or working in what we consider normal ways, it is hard to accept that other parts are broken. If she can do this, why can't she do that? The answer, often, is simply "because she has dementia."

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My mother-in-law was always fiercely independent and shrewd in handling her finances and assets. When she began to show signs of dementia, and as that dementia progressed, we quietly had all of her mail diverted to our address so that we could monitor it, pay her bills and make sure she wasn't being victimized. The issue became her checking account, and our insisting that she not have checks to access it, lest she fall prey to those who would victimize her. She would go to the bank branch at her sr. living facility and order more checks printed, we would commandeer those checks, and the cycle continued until I asked the bank to ignore her orders for reprints. Despite that, she would have snits, and one day I told her that I was happy to continue taking care of her business but that it was not a 'job-sharing' proposition. If she wanted to take it on, she would potentially forget to pay her rent, and could be put to the curb, but we would not intervene in that event. OR we could continue to keep her obligations covered and she would not have to worry. That seemed to be the last of it. We always made sure that she had 'walkin' around' money for small purchases, but soon that became less important as her dementia progressed.
We knew that the issue was one of control, dignity and the loss thereof, and always acknowledged that with her, but we had to confront with her the realities and continue to reassure her that we were trustworthy stewards. Mainly we were concerned that she not become an elderly statistic who was trapped by a predator like we know exists.

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It is a control and independence issue. Like not being able to drive again.. They know they have health issues, but still want to be important and a source of strength to the children, or seen as such. Imagine you having an illness that prevented you from driving daily...you would have to have help from your children, however, at the same time, you would not want to give up the parental feelings you have toward them. They are still you parents no matter what, and it is so difficult for them to start letting to and allowing or needing you do do what they normally would do.

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OMG I could have written this post myself! Jesh...most everything seems chalked up to dementia. Dementia seems to have a life of it's own...like living on the moon who knows whats going on up there. Well, once again I love this website because we are able to see that we are not alone in this dementia state of living.
Dementia, we come in peace, yearning for understanding and tolerance.
Please note: I in no way am making fun of such a serious issue, the unknown can be very frightening and cause stress. The more we know the more we grow, I am learning everyday and I appreciate everyone's words of wisdom, support and community hugs.

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I think it is because (at least in my mom's case) they are struggling to maintain sometype of control. My mom knows that she can't handle a majority of things, but she gets very upset if not consulted about everything even if she doesn't have any clue.

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Hopeful2011 says it best when learning patience is critical. Having never had kids of my own, I never had the experience of setting boundries, answering repeated questions, so on and so-forth. Sometimes I feel like a bully when I put my foot down, but it's something I have to do.

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When I read what Hopeful2011 had to write, this could have been written by me. My mom is exactly the same. This is why it is so hard to put them in an ALF, because one day they are normal and the next day is scary. I lost patience with her at times and then felt so bad, so now every day I pray that God will give me patience and understanding with her this day. I know God answers prayer, because I have been more patient, understanding and loving.

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GG:

Sometimes they become accustomed to being served. It's not uncommon to feel like royalty when everyone around you behaves like a lackey forever catering to their whims.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. My point is that unless they're completely and genuinely helpless, get a stool and tell them to get off the high horse. ... And get ready for the whining and victim roleplay.

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My mother has a hearing problem along with her dementia. Perhaps that might be part of the problem as well. Some moments she is lucid and can seem to handle things that come her way; and the next moment she is confused and can barely function. I'm learning patience, and to accept each moment as it comes. I again appreciate this site where we can communciate with one another and know we are not alone in this.

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To think about calling for repairs requires thinking in a step by step process.
"If I call the manager, they call the maintenance and I have to be here and show them where it's broken, etc. and then I will have a functioning faucet". This is not possible anymore. Instead, they look at the broken thing and want it fixed. Reasoning out how things are accomplished involves other people and requires thinking in sequence, a process. Most comprehension of how to contribute to a process is lost. Most of the things someone learned how to do are forgotten. Sadly, it seems a person is reduced to wanting something done, but not knowing how. Understanding that you have things to do or that they are causing a problem does not even occur to them. It seems their survival skills take over and it's down to the basics. This is easier to deal with if you know why they have become so selfish, having never been that way before.

Why do parents with dementia want their children to take care of all the minor issues but they still want to be the boss of everything else?

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