My mom has gotten into the nasty habit of what seems like helplessness by not taking care of minor issues, such as making a phone call to her apartment manager to request a minor repair. She complains about the problem bitterly because it hasn't been repaired. I've stopped jumping in to take care of these small items because when I have she wants and does direct the whole operation down to the smallest detail and critically I might add.. So, obviously she could have handled it on her own. Besides finding this aggrevating and wasting time, it seem like a control issue or attention seeking behavior. I'm not being mean when she complains but know she is capable of handling this. So what is going on here?
With dementia we have to remember that our loved ones' brains are not working correctly. Not absolutely everything is screwed up, but bits and pieces are, When we see some parts working as they always have or working in what we consider normal ways, it is hard to accept that other parts are broken. If she can do this, why can't she do that? The answer, often, is simply "because she has dementia."
She'll also ask my opinion about something and then get furious when I disagree with her. What did she ask me for?
I know some of this is because she has a lot of back pain and is just lashing out, but it sure makes being around her difficult.
Dementia, we come in peace, yearning for understanding and tolerance.
Please note: I in no way am making fun of such a serious issue, the unknown can be very frightening and cause stress. The more we know the more we grow, I am learning everyday and I appreciate everyone's words of wisdom, support and community hugs.
We knew that the issue was one of control, dignity and the loss thereof, and always acknowledged that with her, but we had to confront with her the realities and continue to reassure her that we were trustworthy stewards. Mainly we were concerned that she not become an elderly statistic who was trapped by a predator like we know exists.
But whether she has some cognitive decline or not, let me play devil's advocate here a minute.
You provide food and are helping her with a doctor-ordered effort to gain weight. You are certainly not neglectful of her nutrional needs. But one night while you are gone she gets hungry -- whether for food or for attention, we don't know. So she calls her son (whom she probably misses, since he lives so far away). She tells him she is hungry. Son creatively solves that problem by ordering a meal to be delivered and telling her what she has to do (pay for it). Son is happy because he gets to do something for his mom even though he is geographically remote, Mom is happy because she is getting a meal, attention, and evidence of love. Daughter is unhappy because ... ?? Hmm, could there be a power issue here?
Divorced parents know the difficulties of custodial/non custodial relationships. The parent the kids live with has to take them to the dentist and make them do their homework and insist they brush their teeth, etc. etc. The one who they visit with 3 days a month takes them to the zoo and the circus and the video arcade. Sigh. It's not fair, but it is understandable. Peg, you are like the custodian parent in this situation. Your brother has the more glamorous role here.
And like many non-custodial parents, Brother may be longing for a more active role in the important aspects of his mother's life. Instead of seeing him as "interfering," could you try including him in your care of Mom? Send him an email update each week of what is going on? Ask for his input when questions arise about her care? Informing him of what the doctors say?
I'm just playing devil's advocate. Maybe your brother really is a devil. But maybe he could be a good ally. If anything here strikes a chord, give it some thought. If not, no harm done. Just disregard it.
Best wishes to you as you continue to take good care of your sometimes difficult mother.
I was frustrated because I provide food and get no pat on the back but I see what you are saying. I am trying to help my mom move forward and gain weight to prevent going to a nursing home and my brother says my mom can do whatever she wants. I agree she can and rightfully so and my agenda is to save her life. Perhaps she does not want it saved as with my Dad's death a year ago, she wants to join him (and has wanted to for this past year). it is difficult doing the day to day caregiving while far away people "seemingly" undo what I am trying to do: have a healthy mom. I was being careful not to identify a diagnosis that I am not qualified to do and also agree with you in that regard as well. Others who have diagnosed family or friends have warned me not to use terms that are "professional" you know what I mean?
I know my brother means well. The agreement was that he is actively involved with her finances and I am actively involved with her day to day and he has drawn strong boundaries that NO ONE gets into his space and yet I feel as though he is in mine and truthfully undermining what I am trying to do: save mom's life. But not everyone has that goal in mind. I know it is ultimately mom's decision to follow doc's advice and if she chooses to wither more and go to a nursing home that's her choice. I do know with memory loss that she has forgotten to take her meds, so she has given me permission to manage those for her. I feel as though I have respected my brother's boundaries and not interfered his involvement and yet he has overstepped into my area. His favorite line is: "too many cooks in the kitchen" and yet he won't stay out of the kitchen I am working in. It's just difficult to continue to grieve the loss of my dad and see my mom wither away every day and feel so utterly helpless. When I do ask for sibling help, i get that I am out of line and being too bossy. All I ask for is support ... guess some people can't give it the way I need it. Thank God for counseling and kind souls like you that can paint the picture a little differently. Thank you, Peg
Sometimes they become accustomed to being served. It's not uncommon to feel like royalty when everyone around you behaves like a lackey forever catering to their whims.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. My point is that unless they're completely and genuinely helpless, get a stool and tell them to get off the high horse. ... And get ready for the whining and victim roleplay.
I think sometimes people use the term care giving in a singular fashion, meaning that one must do the hands on, day to day care giving, for those that this type of care giving works for them, that's wonderful. For those of us who opt to think outside of the box, that's awesome as long as the care is given.
My parents prepared for health and life insurance and even their burial prefreneces with POA's, DNR's and a Will. What they didn't prepare for was the time in between their independent health and the end of life. That's where I came in, it wasn't easy but I realized early that I could not have my mom live with me with her controlling, negative, unhappy self and Dad's stroke left him wheel chair bound, incontinet, along with his my way or the highway mind frame. So with me being the closest family in a 300 mi range, the others went on with their lives and I found myself loosing myself.
Thankfully Mom saw the need to be where she could get help and she requested to be in NH care with my Dad. She is there but she also took her personality with her, I love my parents dearly but their personalities are too stressful for me so I am happy with them where they are. I hope that you can find the same peace of mind in your care giving journey.
Check with your city's care on aging, Social Workers or just do a google search for Long Term NH care facilites in your area. When you find them, visit at random times and go with your gut.
Best wishes to you.
In regards to your q: "are we responsible for our elders?" Our family goes by what the Bible says and there is much to be said about honoring our parents and caring for them. There are blessings when we obey God and His commands and curses when we don't. Better to live a restful joyful life (though difficult) than not, and instead live a life filled with regret. It has taken awhile and my mother still has days where she struggles, but on a good day I think she will agree that this is the best scenario for her, her family loves her, and her well-being and safety are of utmost concern. May God be part of your decision making process and bless it!
"If I call the manager, they call the maintenance and I have to be here and show them where it's broken, etc. and then I will have a functioning faucet". This is not possible anymore. Instead, they look at the broken thing and want it fixed. Reasoning out how things are accomplished involves other people and requires thinking in sequence, a process. Most comprehension of how to contribute to a process is lost. Most of the things someone learned how to do are forgotten. Sadly, it seems a person is reduced to wanting something done, but not knowing how. Understanding that you have things to do or that they are causing a problem does not even occur to them. It seems their survival skills take over and it's down to the basics. This is easier to deal with if you know why they have become so selfish, having never been that way before.