My mom is at the stage where she is still mobile, still of sound mind, but very reliant on me for driving her to appointments, store, etc (she no
longer drives) and performing physical tasks she can no longer do. For several years we have lived in a basically good and harmonious arrangement where we contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Lately, though, I noticed we are often engaged in ridiculous dominance battles that center on her insistence on overfeeding wildlife in our back yard and also our cat inside the house. She orders pounds of birdseed a week and lavishly leaves it out in the yard for birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and any other vermin that wants to stop by. Red squirrels (highly territorial) have been attracted by all the food and have systematically chewed their way through our porch screens looking for more. I’m scared that mice will show up next. No amount of reasoning, haranguing, yelling etc will make a dent in her insistence on the lavish spreads each day. I realize old people don’t have much to enjoy, but it’s starting to cause property damage as well as the animals constantly fighting one another which is unpleasant. Also the neighborhood cats have started to see our yard as a prey source.
Second, our cat has diabetes and it’s important she eats well before having her twice daily medication. My mom has been taking this as a cue to get the cat to eat by leaving open bowls full of canned food in every room
of the house. Not just on doors but on sinks, on couch, in windows, in bathrooms. It is disgusting and a massive waste of food, and I am constantly having to clean it up when she forgets. She puts out way more than this cat would ever eat in one meal. Again, I feel this is more tied to a psychological need to overfeed animals than any real practical purpose.
Blew up at her at 3:30 am this morning when I was going to shut a window before a storm and put my hand right in a big bowl of uneaten cat food. A classic “Yes you are going to stop this - no I’m not” argument ensued.
This is more a question for me but how do you cope with these situations where the elderly person is just doing very stupid and possibly damaging (in case of birdseed) thing and they just will not stop? I mean ways to unilaterally defuse the dominance arguments. I would move out but she has no friends and no one near by to look after her. (Did I mention that she has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order, does not need someone to drive her to the store to get it)
How do I cope with this? Would appreciate pointers to articles about this type of elderly behavior
Does that mean that you expect to pay for your aunt and your mother? In the post above, you state that she has ample funds. Until this issue you write about above, you state you have had a good and harmonious relationship with your mother where you contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Sounds like that harmonius relationship may be coming to an end. What is your plan now, and has anything changed since 2017? Do you expect to live with and be your mother's fulltime caregiver as she further declines? And what about your aunt? What's changed in the past four years there?
We had a similar trajectory with my mom. She was " sharp as a tack".
The changes were subtle, but suddenly, she was no longer able to see the consequences of her actions, became irrationally fearful about some pretty ordinary things and everything that occured was suddendly " an emergency".
I am going to suggest that your mom may have had a stroke and that neuropsych testing would tell you that she can no longer reason her way out of a paper bag.
I think you've said that your mom doesn't "do" doctors, so I'm not sure that your next step should be.
Hoping some of our wiser posters will have suggestions.
My mom's problem is that she has spent so much of her life as a loner (how she got married and had kids, I don't know) that she simply doesn't listen to any advice, and particularly not from her youngest child (me). There has been no change in that pattern, just that more cash has been injected into her situation (the "inheritance") and no doubt the overfeeding thing is psychological related to her own life issues (aging, maybe becoming a widow even though my dad left her 25+ years ago, her relationship with her other daughter is not the greatest, etc).
Yes, I know I've been playing the role of enabler. It is very difficult to cut that off when you, yourself, have no support. I am considering the money-as-communication option with this particular situation. Anything to avoid a repeat of yelling at her at 3:30 am...
(PS, and probably important: for the last year and a half I've been stuck working from home, for reasons we all know about.)
It turns out she chooses to spend her extra money mainly on birdseed and cat food. OK, whatever, it's her life; but I also live here too (and am co-owner of the house, so I really don't "owe" rent to begin with). She simply does not accept the reality I live in, which is that excess food attracts excess animals, and that she is filling our house with open bowls of cat food, which she doesn't find as disgusting as I do. (She is not forgetting them. She is deliberately putting it out and she never apologizes when confronted.) OK! Different realities.
There are unfortunately no apartment units open in our immediate neighborhood, where my aunt also lives, or else I'd consider moving out - but of course, my mom's monthly subsidy payments would have to stop. My aunt is continuing much the same except her independence is also likely to decline when she eventually stops driving. (My sister remains remote from it all and talks openly about moving away to another state once all her animals pass on, which should be in 2-3 years.)
Honestly the only idea I've had to communicate with my mother over this is to simply "bill" her (with photo evidence) every time I find an absolutely egregious cat food violation of our shared space. After all, there is no legal agreement - it's just been me being (maybe foolishly) over solicitous. I don't know. Maybe $50 charge for every documented open cat food bowl found in the upstairs bathroom (taken out of her monthly stipend) would wake her up. It would be communication, but a kind of lousy way to communicate. But open conversation hasn't helped and neither has yelling.
My mother has absolutely no one in her life except me, my sister and her sister (aunt, who has her own issues). My sis just isn't interested and will help only if forms are submitted and filled out in triplicate (not really, but that's the attitude).
There are no extended family members locally to help. There is no one but me. And my mother does not respect my perspective any more.
I understand where you're coming from and believe it when you say that your mother is fine mentally. Dementia isn't always the reason why an elderly person is ornery, stubborn, and a pain-in-the-a$$. Sometimes it's simply because they are bored, lonely, and want to exert dominance over another person. I live in a similar situation to you. My mother doesn't have dementia. She's abusive though. She has to have someone to fight with and dump on. It's great satisfaction to her if she can grind me down to nothing. It's not dementia because she's been like this to me my whole life. She wasn't elderly when I was a little kid. The behavior is the same though.
You have the choice of moving out. If you're legally a half owner of the house, then mother will have to buy you out. Then move out. If feeding and attracting vermin and leaving bowls of cat food all over the place is worth being left totally alone in her old age, so be it. If that's the choice she makes then let her make it. Your sister is the smart one. She keeps herself well away the situation. Do as she does.
In the meantime, there's a way prevent the critters and vermin coming around in spite of food being left out for them and mom wouldn't even know.
You can buy a product at most home improvement stores or on line. It is a synthesized product that to animals smells like wolf or coyote urine. Humans can't smell it, but to animals it seems there's a predator in the area and they will stay away. All it takes is a few drops around the yard like on trees or patios, etc.., and the number of animals showing up will be greatly reduced.
As for the cat food everywhere, there's not a lot you can do about that if she has it delivered.
Look for your own place though.
She obviously does not retain the information that you give her about the feeding of the wildlife or the cat.
I bet if you step back and review the past year or two in your mind there are lots of little indicators that mom's mental status is on the decline.
I would have her tested, say that it is a part of the annual physical.
If she truly is of sound mind tell her.
My House, My Rules
My Way or the Highway.
Is she still insists then block the way that she orders the food. (I would do that in any case) Refuse delivery of any new deliveries.
Keep cans of cat food locked up so that she does not have access to it.
Tell her that if she can not follow the rules then you will go with her to look at Assisted Living facilities. You would still be able to take her to appointments if you wish or most will have transportation available to residents that need to go to the doctor or shopping.
If indeed she is on the decline with her mental status you need to make sure all the paperwork is in order that you will need. A visit to an Elder Care Attorney might be next on your list of "to do's"
And the first thing you learn with any type of dementia is that you never argue, you will never win!
Partition the house? Sell it and divide the proceeds? No dice. Both parties have to agree, and she will NEVER leave the house she has been in since age nine (with interludes of living elsewhere when she was first married). So, that would be a costly and confrontational legalistic solution no one really wants. The only non-persuasive leverage (and persuasion has failed) is this monthly stipend she still gets from me, I'm afraid.
As for her buying me out - she has no resources for that. In fact, part of the reason that kept me from "getting out" to an apartment is knowing that she would be absolutely financially and logistically hapless and would probably want to move in with me - in a tinier space!
(Sorry, I should have warned folks that this was complicated, which is why I'm trying to focus on changing me and not her!)
I do want to go to an attorney to see about my aunt's situation because I think it's getting closer that someone outside has to be brought in to help oversee her general welfare, but that's another story.
As Barb says, there may be a physical cause, like age related mild cognitive impairment/early dementia, a UTI, depression, a thyroid or vitamin imbalance. She should have a physician work up with the physician contacted pre-visit about what the concern is (either pass off a note when you check in or contact the office pre-visit). Medicare does require yearly health checks, if that helps get her there. Some people do not progress further than mild cognitive impairment, which can be treated with medication to slow the progression, if that's what this is, but you would want to address any treatable causes.
If this is MCI/dementia then a confrontational approach is not going to work or be helpful for your or your mom's stress levels-there quite simply is a void around these daily rote tasks she does-since she can't recognize that she's done it, she does it again. There are going to be gaps in the way she can remember AND react to the information you show her, as it MCI affects not just memory but reasoning, critical thinking, and awareness. Your confronting her with things she's not remembering doing is probably very scary, and doesn't make sense to. her.
I hope you are able to get some answers and not have the house torn up by critters. Perhaps there are local programs your mom could participate in so that she has something else to do during the day?
Putting excessive amounts of this food out daily is really, really important to her. (Any suggestions that she limit the amount per day is met with instant resistance.)
As for the catfood, she immediately responds with defiance when I complain. She hasn't forgotten she's done it. She is full of justification ("it's the only way I can get the cat to eat!" - no, it's not, all you have to do is have a regular feeding schedule). Last night at 3:30 am when I was yelling at her, she was thoroughly defiant. (As for me, I was so disgusted with my own loss of control, that's when I figured "It's time to chew the fat with the good folks at Aging Care" ;-)
I *have* seen mental changes like you describe taking hold of other people I know, but I just wanted to stress, I really don't believe that is what is going on here.
If you get the right product, you will smell nothing. My BIL uses it around his garden every summer to keep the deer and squirrels off his veggies.
I'm telling you, you could be standing right there and you will smell nothing.
I'm gonna ask him about the one he uses and I'll message you the name and where to get it. That stuff works because all the critters stay away from his place.
I'm assuming the cat doesn't go outside. Usually a cat keeps critters away too.
Your Mom over feeding the animals is not normal. You don't need to leave food all over for a cat. They go to the place they always go when hungry. My cat actually sat next to his bowl when he wanted to be fed. You must have ants galore.
Get Moms PCP to order labs to rule out any physical problems. Watch for signs of Dementia. How is she in late afternoon, early evening? How does she process what is being said to her. Does it seem to take longer?
We all just play along, in her case, she's not mobile enough to DO anything anymore, which is sad, but keeps her from doing just what your mom is doing--putting out 10xs the amount of birdseed that is necessary. She has a birdfeeder right outside her kitchen window which she can no longer even seen, because her back is so completely bent over. (She used to overfill that thing several times a day!) Now anything over 3-1/2 feet off the ground--she just cannot see. She CAN stand up straight--but won't. You don't get sympathy if you're not hunched over your walker!
She buys tons of junk out of catalogs and keeps it all in boxes. Tons of 'large print books' which she just piles all over her apt. I used to go online and order her the books she wanted to read from the LIBRARY and then they'd go BACK to the library--but she'd rather dump $100's of dollars on books she may or may not read. Same with puzzles. I would imagine she 'wastes' upwards of $500 a month on things she does not need. I feel like she should be paying for a bigger portion of the living expenses at YB's home, where she lives. (Right now she pays for the cable and that's it).
SIL has stepped out of any CG, 100% and mother is furious about that. She thinks SIL should be bringing her meals and cleaning. After 24 years, SIL is burnt to toast. Mother calls her the 'enemy' and I know SIL knows and is hurt by this.
Losing the filter to NOT say what just comes to mind is a good indicator of oncoming dementia. It doesn't have to be full fledged, all day kookiness. Just a slip of reasoning, 'thoughts' that come out in verbiage--when it was probably more prudent to just keep your thoughts to yourself---unkind words or actions--it's a slow slide.
Yeah, mom can balance her checkbook, but she can also comment that your pants make you look fatter than usual.
As far as mom overfeeding the many animals at YB's house-that is his problem. She gives them so many treats, and then they go into the common living room and throw up. Or worse. She doesn't see (or smell) a problem.
And I NEVER talk to her after 5 pm. She can't remember anything and there's not point in trying.
Keep your cat in your room. Put the cat's food in your room. Move the cat's litter box to your bathroom. Poor kitty but better than being fed to death by your mother.
Your mother "has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order" because of your monthly subsidy. You, basically, are causing your own problem. It's like giving cash to someone with a compulsive gambling problem.
If your mother has "ample funds" why does she *need* your monthly subsidy?
Stop paying the monthly subsidy and use that money to pay for repairs of all the damage your mother's feeding of wildlife has caused on your property.
What about buying bird feeders and telling her that those are the only locations where she can put birdseed?
And at the beginning of dementia, the person often is very defensive about their disturbing behavior.
Not sure which I'd choose out of living in a giant bowl of cat food 🤮 vs an overheated house in a heatwave 😰. Imagine those 2 elders together 🤯
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-horrible-for-being-an-old-nag-to-my-parent-and-ive-become-impatient-im-feeling-so-guilty-468394.htm
You have provided enough information to make me think that your mother does not have dementia but she has already decided to stop driving and rely on you to take her to appointments. This gives you some leverage in the relationship if you are able to hold your temper and become a bit calculating and disciplined in the way you manage your obligations to her. Start going out for several hours by yourself much more frequently. Meet friends in the evening for dinner. Be less available than you have been. Disengage from her emotionally a bit. Stop being a source of entertainment. If she is cooking the meals, start taking over some of these responsibilities. Change the transactional attributes of the relationship and start varying your routine.
Do you work outside the home? It doesn’t sound like it. You say your mother has no friends but do you have friends? The two of you may be getting on each other’s nerves because you spend too much time together and have no outside interests. If this is your mother’s home and she has ample resources, she has every reason to feel that her desires take precedence over yours, even if you are sharing expenses equally. To stop her behavior, you must stop cleaning up after her period or pick up the bird seed feeder and the cat food and throw it away the minute you see it. Do not yell or argue. Just do it. Decrease the amount of cat food that you buy or throw the excess away as soon as it arrives at your house from the on line vendor. Stop driving her on non-essential trips. Stop taking her out to dinner. Be nice about it; don’t discuss your reasons, etc. Just make yourself far less available.
People usually sense a change in the character of a relationship very quickly. If your mother is acting out of stubbornness, she may change her behavior when she understands the social cost of your withdrawal. If she doesn’t, it may we’ll be time to start thinking about living elsewhere. If you are really of leaving, tell her so without getting angry or threatening her in any way. You may still need to live nearby and arrange or provide transportation but you will at least be living your own life.
(In my area, people have always fed the deer -- corn piles, apple piles, salt licks -- but because of chronic wasting disease in the deer, folks have been told not to put these items out and can be cited and fined if they do. For the most part, folks have complied.)
As for the cat food, I have told my family that wet cat food is one of the most disgusting things ever. As soon as I open one (I use single-serve containers so that an open container doesn't need to be put in the fridge), my hands get washed and don't get between me and the sink because I might just kill you, lol. I cannot imagine living with multiple cat food containers open all over the house. That would totally gag me.
1. God bless you that you are trying to do the right thing, If you are not in counseling, please do that for your mental health, and perspective on the problem and ways for you to productively change your patterns of interaction where you can. Pray - a lot - for graces to increase in the virtues needed to get you thru this time.
2. In early stages my Mom was exactly like yours - feeding pets incessantly, doing things and ignoring problems that would logically follows. She just didn’t care. Mom was highly logical but lost all perspective in early stages. I had the most conflict with her regarding pet care - killing with “kindness” to obesity and eminent death according to the vet. I did have to lock down the food (which became problematic because she would take ANYTHING out of the fridge to feed them because they were “starving”). I even left the dog treat box on the counter but filled it with a notes (a reminder that vet says xyz) so when she reached in she got a note instead of treats (ticked her off greatly but it solved the problem. When she asked who did it I said my brother LOL because to her he was golden). You can buy locking refrigerators by the way. Or as to another suggestion already made here - lock the cat in your room where she cannot access - maybe for a while to break the cycle anyway. Lock up the bird food, feed once a day together, and take away her ability to order as per other suggestions.
3. Agreed - with other advice here. Stop arguing - it won’t matter or help. Get your phrase such as “we will agree to disagree” or “thank you for your opinion but this is not open for discussion” and continue to repeat without additional commentary. Walk away if you have to for a short time - walk around the block or whatever. This was a counseling strategy I was given that most helpful to me. They can’t argue back when you give them nothing to argue WITH.
4. Yes, do go see an attorney as mentioned here as well. See what documentation you need to build to get total control in the future so you can care for her and create safe future living conditions.
5. Finally - recognize increasing obstinance also is a way for many to grasp and maintain what little control they have left. Understandable. The more you take control the worse she will get for a while - maybe a long while. You have to live thru that nightmare maybe for a long time. But you can do it. Look for ways to let her control other areas to maintain as much dignity if possible (which birdseed should we put out today? Sunflower or thistle? Which feeders do you think need filling today?)
God bless you!
I've learned a lot about the trajectory of dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. An adult child/caregiver can exhaust themselves by continuing to interact with their LO as if they are still their "prior" selves. The challenge (as you are seeing) is what is still their prior self and what is their new dementia self THAT MOMENT or DAY, since dementia changes them slowly, secretly and steadily but has no real consistency except that it does change them over time. As humans (and loving children) we have an understandably difficult time figuring this out and then adjusting our solutions or reactions because the essence of their personality is still there, yet less and less and so we keep having a knee-jerk reaction to them as their prior selves. Dementia robs them of their ability to reason and also to consider the impact of their behaviors/choices on others who they love.
You've stated that you want to find ways to change your behavior since you have been losing your temper with her (been there, done that). And you say your living situation is complicated. The only real solution is to extricate yourself from her home if you believe (yet cannot prove) that her behaviors are about control and stubbornness. I predict that if you ever do this, it will become abundantly clear that her behaviors are driven by her advancing dementia. If you stay in the current living arrangement and do not see that her irrational behaviors are from dementia, you will be like the little child sticking her fingers in the holes of the dam rather than dealing with the imminent flood.
If you are her PoA then you should check the language in your document to see when your authority becomes activated. If it is durable then you can limit her access to her funds by giving her pre-paid gift or credit cards. She won't like it at all but it prevent your shared home from becoming an unhealthy zoo. With dementia, a lot of what you do your LO will resist and complain about. That's just how it goes. Dementia also has phases, and your mom is currently in one. My aunt (who now has mod/adv dementia) went through a phase where she contributed to every animal welfare fund from the appeals in her one cat magazine. Money she didn't really have. And order all sorts of stupid junk she didn't need. She no longer does that.
I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through solutions and come to grips with your mom's changes.
backyard creatures same thing. If you only want to feed the birds they have a cool bird feeder that shuts the openings if a fat squirrel or heavier animal gets up there. It has four slots for birds. The squirrels still show up for ground food but it cuts down on waste. Maybe have her grow and pot flowers to capture her interest to create a nice environment for the animals? She can water and plant ? Good luck.
I’d let her doctor know, that’s more then dominance, it’s unrealistic and unreasonable. She maybe losing the ability to make good decisions, my mother blew through hundreds of thousands and then said the caregivers did it.
In other words, the butler did it.
#2 she can move in to Assisted Living.
#3. Hide her Credit Card so she can't order an excess amount of bird seed and just by one bag a week for her to put out and in regards to the Cat Food, keep the cans locked up where only you have access and only you will be able to feed the cat
I don't see anything wrong with feeding the birds (I do the same) but not to the excess your Mom does. The neighborhood cats will eat the mice as cats love mice.
As far as the cat, keep the cat in your room and if need be put a lock on the door. I had to keep my cat locked up for 6 months in my room and my cat was fine.
In any case, you need to get POA (medical and financial of your Mom) and take control of her finances so she can't spend the money on bird seed, cat food, etc.
Again, get your Mom tested for dementia / Alzheimer's and then go from there.
I wish you and your Mom the best,
Jenna
Ive washed my hands of the situation. Volunteers help her and I administer most of the household bills on auto pay for her.
Its become too volatile with her rages and narcassistic behavior that she saves for just for me.
As for coping with the overfeeding, it may be time to invest in "timed feeders." Timed feeders open or dispense only a certain amount of food that you program into the feeder. Let mom be responsible for filling the feeders and putting out fresh water. If you have too much seed available outside, you will have mice and rats and then snakes.
I write from the perspective of the patient. My most recent Nueropsych Exam said I am now somewhere between Moderate to Severe ALZ. I've been reading and commenting on Agingcare since June 2016, when I was first diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ, I have paid particular attention to learning about what happens to patients as they move along on their journey of Dementia.
My gut feeling is that I know when I begin behaviors such as you have mentioned, I want to be institutionalized as soon as I show signs of being flying off in to the wild blue yonder. I believe when a patient begins to exhibit unruly, extreme behavior the patient needs to be institutionalized as soon as possible for their safety and the rest of the family.
The problems that come to mind for me is that I believe the patient has little regard for controlling their finances, which may be needed for future care, I worry she won't continue to have ample funds. The role of the Family Caregiver is to keep an eye out on the way one is handling finances, medical treatment, safety within the home, as well as when the patient is out in public.
Our local ALZ Forgetful Friends Group received some business cards put out by the ALZ organization that one can use to show that the person with them has ALZ disease or other dementia and that is why they are behaving in an unusual way. I scratched out on the stack of cards I received, and wrote in I am a patient with ALZ disease. Yes there have been a couple of occasions where I have broken out my card and showed it the sales people in grocery stores, doctor's offices, where I was not a known patient yet, etc.
Unfortunately, many patients won't acknowledge when the time has arrived for institutional care, give up driving, financial control and legal control. I have told my DW it is time for her to started executing the use of my DPOA for both medical and Financial matters. My DW will ask me to share my thoughts about what I'd like to do, but she and I know, now, she knows best what the right thing to be done is. I also turned over all of my ownership in the house, our savings and Life Insurance Policies. I am the first patient that my Neuro Dr, has that gave up their Drivers License voluntarily. I am blessed to have my DW looking out for me and our finances. They have both gone beyond me. I continue to remain active as a Volunteer in our Parish through Religious Ed programs, and Ushering along with volunteer work in a faith based organization. I am sure I'll pull the plug on the volunteer work when the time comes.
My hope is that other patients in Early Onset Dementias, will look at this and take some action on their own regarding Financial and Medical powers for themselves, and that they continue volunteering and keeping as engaged as you can be until you are no longer able to make contributions like volunteering any longer. I have no reason to ever think my DW will not do what is best for me.
Happy Independence Day,
John
I do hope others on this forum begin thinking about what you have shared about your own situation.
Best wishes to you for your thoughtfully planned future.
As for her mail order bird food - do the same. When it gets dropped at the front porch by delivery, store it in garage (in metal garbage can with secured lid. Only bring out a small amount at a time to use for feeding. Has she seen the damage where squirrels came in to the porch/screens? Instead of doing a 'yes you will, no I won't' argument, show her the damage. Give her a cup or something that will hold smaller amount of food and ask her to use one of those per day. Tell her she is bringing birds and squirrels into the yard and now the cats are eating her friends. She wouldn't want them killed would she? The only other thing I can think of is to refuse the delivery of bird food - if you can catch the delivery person. Or call the mail order company and tell them mom is old, not right in the head and ordering more than you can use. Perhaps give them a limit on how much per month to send as an auto ship - and tell her they are going to send X amt each month.
If none of this works, tell her she is letting the animals destroy her house. She needs to decide if she wants you there to keep her company and help or if she wants to use her bird food money to pay for in-home care. . .or move to a facility where she won't be able to feed anything. Just ask her what her wishes are. Not as a threat, but as a conversation.
You can certainly force something with the house if you wanted to, considering her state of mind is not normal.
I think you need help to get over your fear of her/her control over you! Look, you are complaining about how bad she is then asking for help to change yourself!
These websites only cover so much and certainly can't cover every situation, but their list of symptoms (again, not fully comprehensive) states ANY OR ALL may apply, and this one stands out for your situation:
"You become more impulsive or show increasingly poor judgment."
Poor judgement regarding overfeeding both the wild animals and the cat.
Impulsive? From our view, absolutely.
One of the problems in identifying an issue is that when you live with it every day and it is gradual progression, you might not notice it. More than likely she started out just feeding the birds and the cat, but now it is more like an obsession.
Quite honestly, there is SO much that isn't known or understood about dementia, that even doctors miss the "signs", which is even more understandable because they don't live with the person day in and day out and witness the oddities that go on!
First of all, keep in mind that dementia is just an umbrella term that covers a multitude of cognitive issues. The underlying cause of the decline is what causes the symptoms. Although the "experts" can lump symptoms to each type of dementia and sort them into "stages", there is NO one-size-fits-all. Every person will exhibit their own symptoms and behaviors. Yes, some will fall into those categories and stages, others won't. Everyone is unique and their journey with cognitive decline will be unique as well. It matters what part(s) of the brain are impacted, what their "normal" self is/was like, impacts of life experiences, etc. WE have to be aware of these sometimes oh-so-subtle changes and realize this is NOT normal aging. Seeming to be "sharp as a tack" is NOT going to be of use to you in determining what the issue is.
The testing most PCPs do now is to get a baseline - what your ability in certain areas are, so that when repeated later, they might catch changes/declines and suggest add'l tests. These tests are NOT going to determine if your mother has any form of dementia.
As for missing the subtle signs, it is easy to do and even easier to chalk it up to aging. I didn't live with my mother, but I did miss early warning signs - in particular blaming others for taking mundane items. It didn't happen often and was only realized later that these WERE subtle signs. In my mother's case, it was the repetitive statements and questions, classic signs of memory loss, that clued me in. HOWEVER, this is not always the case.
Your mother's inability to comprehend the repercussions of her actions don't sound like they reflect her "norm." This IS a sign of concern.
As for trying to get her to understand and comply, trying to argue with her or even work out a compromise isn't likely to achieve the results you want. Arguing with someone who has dementia is like arguing with the wall, except the wall can't argue back. It will accomplish nothing other than frustration for you.
If possible, at least help the cat by removing her access to the cat food. Lock it up. If she finds a way to secure more, then the poor cat will need to be contained in an area your mother can't access. The birds and other critters are on their own if neighbor cats are attracted.
Instead of giving her money for "rent", use it to pay regular bills, or save it for in/when she might need additional care, either hired help or a facility. If possible, try to replace her CC with a debit card that has limited funds and no overdraft.
There are other ways to "manage" finances, but until you have legal recourse, either through POAs or guardianship, it will be hard to make those changes. We can provide suggestions if/when that time comes.
For now, please DO understand that your mother has issues. Whether these are dementia related or not is not for us to determine, but since many of us have "been there, done that", we may see something in this that you don't.
Keep asking for advice and support, get second opinions where the advice doesn’t fit or seem right.
Best wishes to you and your Mom, and wishing you almighty patience and strength.
For the cat: can you set planned sessions with the cat, and she is in charge of all three (with you close by). Two times to feed the cat and the third would be an interaction (brushing or active playing comes to mind). A set routine may eventually replace the random cat food cans.
I had another thought about your situation which is maybe she is doing all this to get attention from you because she's unhappy and lonely?
I know that my Mom will complain about her headaches but then I will ask her if she wants to play cards and she forgets about her headache because she's very happy playing cards.
What fun things to you and your Mom do together if anything? It's just possible she needs more attention which may be why she is doing what she is doing.
Just a thought,
Jenna
* No, she is not of 'sound mind' (as you say here) based on the situation needing changes.
* I agree, mice and worse may be next. I don't want to even think what may be next, and/or coming into the house.
* You need to take action, even if that means getting rid of the cat (a neighbor, friend?) Sounds cruel although if a guardian cannot care for a pet, different arrangements must be made, for the welfare of the pet.
* If you can handle her money / payment cards for the bird (rodent) seeds, take control. She will not change on her own. She doesn't have the brain functioning to do that -
* Perhaps it is time that you and your mother do not live together; that she needs more care than you can manage - as this is no longer a healthy 'normal' household. Is this a fear of yours? Causing you sadness and grief? Have you considered this?
* Go to TEEPA SNOW website. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and has lots of webinars, handouts, educational tools on how to deal with situations. I studied with her for a couple of years and printed out volumes of information.
* Realize that you are allowing this situation to chip away at your peace of mind, or more (anxiety? stress? depression) . . . Only you can stop it.
- Yes, she will put up a fuss. Change and taking control of needed situations is very unpleasant, and could be fearful, to an elder/parent with dementia. I've learned to 'go along' and do what is necessary (although a different situation-same strategy). And, this 'don't argue' and thinking you are talking to someone with sound mind in my experience, 'comes and goes.' I've been doing this work for many years and still get caught up in 'dementia' communications. Be gentle with yourself. You've have many more opportunities to address this . . . better, next time.
- Say "Yes, I understand how you feel" and drop it. Do not engage more. Let her know you heard her and acknowledge her. Then do what you have to do.
* RULE NUMBER ONE: Do not argue.
- There is no healthy outcome to 'try to reason' as reasoning is out the window (with your hand in the can of cat food). And, arguing will only make everything worse, including your and mom's health.
- You want to keep her 'even emotionally' as possible. And yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters