My mom is at the stage where she is still mobile, still of sound mind, but very reliant on me for driving her to appointments, store, etc (she no
longer drives) and performing physical tasks she can no longer do. For several years we have lived in a basically good and harmonious arrangement where we contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Lately, though, I noticed we are often engaged in ridiculous dominance battles that center on her insistence on overfeeding wildlife in our back yard and also our cat inside the house. She orders pounds of birdseed a week and lavishly leaves it out in the yard for birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and any other vermin that wants to stop by. Red squirrels (highly territorial) have been attracted by all the food and have systematically chewed their way through our porch screens looking for more. I’m scared that mice will show up next. No amount of reasoning, haranguing, yelling etc will make a dent in her insistence on the lavish spreads each day. I realize old people don’t have much to enjoy, but it’s starting to cause property damage as well as the animals constantly fighting one another which is unpleasant. Also the neighborhood cats have started to see our yard as a prey source.
Second, our cat has diabetes and it’s important she eats well before having her twice daily medication. My mom has been taking this as a cue to get the cat to eat by leaving open bowls full of canned food in every room
of the house. Not just on doors but on sinks, on couch, in windows, in bathrooms. It is disgusting and a massive waste of food, and I am constantly having to clean it up when she forgets. She puts out way more than this cat would ever eat in one meal. Again, I feel this is more tied to a psychological need to overfeed animals than any real practical purpose.
Blew up at her at 3:30 am this morning when I was going to shut a window before a storm and put my hand right in a big bowl of uneaten cat food. A classic “Yes you are going to stop this - no I’m not” argument ensued.
This is more a question for me but how do you cope with these situations where the elderly person is just doing very stupid and possibly damaging (in case of birdseed) thing and they just will not stop? I mean ways to unilaterally defuse the dominance arguments. I would move out but she has no friends and no one near by to look after her. (Did I mention that she has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order, does not need someone to drive her to the store to get it)
How do I cope with this? Would appreciate pointers to articles about this type of elderly behavior
I think you could use some intervention to help you: 1) come to this realization, 2) get the medical assistance you need to ensure your mom is otherwise healthy, and 3) help you learn the tricks and tools you will need going forward as her mental state will continue to decline.
Ideally, she is going to a geriatric care specialist. If this behavior has begun suddenly, get an appointment soon - sometimes physical illness can cause cognitive decline - most famously urinary tract infections Also, have a cognitive assessment done, and schedule an annual Medicare Wellness Check to address her overall wellbeing.
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes we don't realize how much our loved one is struggling until we are able to open our eyes and see.
There are SO many cats in shelters (and on the streets), especially older ones (aka not a kitten), that this really shouldn't be an option. Add in the fact that the poor cat has diabetes, that cat will likely NEVER find a new home and may end up euthanized.
Presumably OP cares about the cat, so this option is NOT an option. I would move my mother first, if she'd been living with me and push came to shove! Not only do WE care about our cats (and clearly OP does, since she provides the needed medication AND has concerns about the food being left out, beyond the annoyance, more for the safety of kitty!), but they bond with us as well.
CrazyCatLady here =^..^=
same with cat food? Does she have any physical limitation like difficulty going up stairs that you can capitalize on?
You are correct in that this wildlife overfeeding will create serous problems. I can tell you from first hand experience it is playing with fire.
However, one thing you CAN do that is very helpful, is provide water for wildlife. Bird baths, small ponds, even containers of water are often what the critters need more than food, which is usually abundant. Instead of saying No, join her but try to transition to water instead of food.
As for kitty, what about little treats? Purina makes a thing they call Party Mix which is little nibbles for kitty. She can give, say, one third cup a day? She can have something to give kitty that is a bit more reasonable?
it all comes down to Control. Like a naughty 2 year old, this is war and you have to outflank em.
(she ordering it , certainly not buying it herself?)
Yes maybe the cat needs to go unfortunately, it is literally either the cat or you I bet at this point.
This is sadly dementia and she fixated on the animals and food. If you can eliminate those, her topic will switch but hopefully less expensive/messy..
Perhaps an adult day care, sounds like boredom and the animals are her outlet to "mother", so some other hobbies perhaps for her?
The way it would be structured is your Mom would choose the three flavors of the week, and each would be put in a different color bowl, labelled with the flavor it would contain. For "the experiment", the portions should be small, in order to determine how much has been eaten.
Once one of the bowls has been the one clearly preferred, it could be removed in order to determine the second runner-up. after that, more of the preferred food can be put in the respective bowl(s).
By "prescribing the symptom" or to say it another way, "taking over the symptom" by you joining her in it, rather than opposing her on it , it loses its element of control.
Same "experiment" with bird seed. Which is the favorite? Let's put out a couple of choices and see which they flock to.
Hope this helps.
Acacia
* No, she is not of 'sound mind' (as you say here) based on the situation needing changes.
* I agree, mice and worse may be next. I don't want to even think what may be next, and/or coming into the house.
* You need to take action, even if that means getting rid of the cat (a neighbor, friend?) Sounds cruel although if a guardian cannot care for a pet, different arrangements must be made, for the welfare of the pet.
* If you can handle her money / payment cards for the bird (rodent) seeds, take control. She will not change on her own. She doesn't have the brain functioning to do that -
* Perhaps it is time that you and your mother do not live together; that she needs more care than you can manage - as this is no longer a healthy 'normal' household. Is this a fear of yours? Causing you sadness and grief? Have you considered this?
* Go to TEEPA SNOW website. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and has lots of webinars, handouts, educational tools on how to deal with situations. I studied with her for a couple of years and printed out volumes of information.
* Realize that you are allowing this situation to chip away at your peace of mind, or more (anxiety? stress? depression) . . . Only you can stop it.
- Yes, she will put up a fuss. Change and taking control of needed situations is very unpleasant, and could be fearful, to an elder/parent with dementia. I've learned to 'go along' and do what is necessary (although a different situation-same strategy). And, this 'don't argue' and thinking you are talking to someone with sound mind in my experience, 'comes and goes.' I've been doing this work for many years and still get caught up in 'dementia' communications. Be gentle with yourself. You've have many more opportunities to address this . . . better, next time.
- Say "Yes, I understand how you feel" and drop it. Do not engage more. Let her know you heard her and acknowledge her. Then do what you have to do.
* RULE NUMBER ONE: Do not argue.
- There is no healthy outcome to 'try to reason' as reasoning is out the window (with your hand in the can of cat food). And, arguing will only make everything worse, including your and mom's health.
- You want to keep her 'even emotionally' as possible. And yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
I had another thought about your situation which is maybe she is doing all this to get attention from you because she's unhappy and lonely?
I know that my Mom will complain about her headaches but then I will ask her if she wants to play cards and she forgets about her headache because she's very happy playing cards.
What fun things to you and your Mom do together if anything? It's just possible she needs more attention which may be why she is doing what she is doing.
Just a thought,
Jenna
For the cat: can you set planned sessions with the cat, and she is in charge of all three (with you close by). Two times to feed the cat and the third would be an interaction (brushing or active playing comes to mind). A set routine may eventually replace the random cat food cans.
These websites only cover so much and certainly can't cover every situation, but their list of symptoms (again, not fully comprehensive) states ANY OR ALL may apply, and this one stands out for your situation:
"You become more impulsive or show increasingly poor judgment."
Poor judgement regarding overfeeding both the wild animals and the cat.
Impulsive? From our view, absolutely.
One of the problems in identifying an issue is that when you live with it every day and it is gradual progression, you might not notice it. More than likely she started out just feeding the birds and the cat, but now it is more like an obsession.
Quite honestly, there is SO much that isn't known or understood about dementia, that even doctors miss the "signs", which is even more understandable because they don't live with the person day in and day out and witness the oddities that go on!
First of all, keep in mind that dementia is just an umbrella term that covers a multitude of cognitive issues. The underlying cause of the decline is what causes the symptoms. Although the "experts" can lump symptoms to each type of dementia and sort them into "stages", there is NO one-size-fits-all. Every person will exhibit their own symptoms and behaviors. Yes, some will fall into those categories and stages, others won't. Everyone is unique and their journey with cognitive decline will be unique as well. It matters what part(s) of the brain are impacted, what their "normal" self is/was like, impacts of life experiences, etc. WE have to be aware of these sometimes oh-so-subtle changes and realize this is NOT normal aging. Seeming to be "sharp as a tack" is NOT going to be of use to you in determining what the issue is.
The testing most PCPs do now is to get a baseline - what your ability in certain areas are, so that when repeated later, they might catch changes/declines and suggest add'l tests. These tests are NOT going to determine if your mother has any form of dementia.
As for missing the subtle signs, it is easy to do and even easier to chalk it up to aging. I didn't live with my mother, but I did miss early warning signs - in particular blaming others for taking mundane items. It didn't happen often and was only realized later that these WERE subtle signs. In my mother's case, it was the repetitive statements and questions, classic signs of memory loss, that clued me in. HOWEVER, this is not always the case.
Your mother's inability to comprehend the repercussions of her actions don't sound like they reflect her "norm." This IS a sign of concern.
As for trying to get her to understand and comply, trying to argue with her or even work out a compromise isn't likely to achieve the results you want. Arguing with someone who has dementia is like arguing with the wall, except the wall can't argue back. It will accomplish nothing other than frustration for you.
If possible, at least help the cat by removing her access to the cat food. Lock it up. If she finds a way to secure more, then the poor cat will need to be contained in an area your mother can't access. The birds and other critters are on their own if neighbor cats are attracted.
Instead of giving her money for "rent", use it to pay regular bills, or save it for in/when she might need additional care, either hired help or a facility. If possible, try to replace her CC with a debit card that has limited funds and no overdraft.
There are other ways to "manage" finances, but until you have legal recourse, either through POAs or guardianship, it will be hard to make those changes. We can provide suggestions if/when that time comes.
For now, please DO understand that your mother has issues. Whether these are dementia related or not is not for us to determine, but since many of us have "been there, done that", we may see something in this that you don't.
Keep asking for advice and support, get second opinions where the advice doesn’t fit or seem right.
Best wishes to you and your Mom, and wishing you almighty patience and strength.
You can certainly force something with the house if you wanted to, considering her state of mind is not normal.
I think you need help to get over your fear of her/her control over you! Look, you are complaining about how bad she is then asking for help to change yourself!
As for her mail order bird food - do the same. When it gets dropped at the front porch by delivery, store it in garage (in metal garbage can with secured lid. Only bring out a small amount at a time to use for feeding. Has she seen the damage where squirrels came in to the porch/screens? Instead of doing a 'yes you will, no I won't' argument, show her the damage. Give her a cup or something that will hold smaller amount of food and ask her to use one of those per day. Tell her she is bringing birds and squirrels into the yard and now the cats are eating her friends. She wouldn't want them killed would she? The only other thing I can think of is to refuse the delivery of bird food - if you can catch the delivery person. Or call the mail order company and tell them mom is old, not right in the head and ordering more than you can use. Perhaps give them a limit on how much per month to send as an auto ship - and tell her they are going to send X amt each month.
If none of this works, tell her she is letting the animals destroy her house. She needs to decide if she wants you there to keep her company and help or if she wants to use her bird food money to pay for in-home care. . .or move to a facility where she won't be able to feed anything. Just ask her what her wishes are. Not as a threat, but as a conversation.
I write from the perspective of the patient. My most recent Nueropsych Exam said I am now somewhere between Moderate to Severe ALZ. I've been reading and commenting on Agingcare since June 2016, when I was first diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ, I have paid particular attention to learning about what happens to patients as they move along on their journey of Dementia.
My gut feeling is that I know when I begin behaviors such as you have mentioned, I want to be institutionalized as soon as I show signs of being flying off in to the wild blue yonder. I believe when a patient begins to exhibit unruly, extreme behavior the patient needs to be institutionalized as soon as possible for their safety and the rest of the family.
The problems that come to mind for me is that I believe the patient has little regard for controlling their finances, which may be needed for future care, I worry she won't continue to have ample funds. The role of the Family Caregiver is to keep an eye out on the way one is handling finances, medical treatment, safety within the home, as well as when the patient is out in public.
Our local ALZ Forgetful Friends Group received some business cards put out by the ALZ organization that one can use to show that the person with them has ALZ disease or other dementia and that is why they are behaving in an unusual way. I scratched out on the stack of cards I received, and wrote in I am a patient with ALZ disease. Yes there have been a couple of occasions where I have broken out my card and showed it the sales people in grocery stores, doctor's offices, where I was not a known patient yet, etc.
Unfortunately, many patients won't acknowledge when the time has arrived for institutional care, give up driving, financial control and legal control. I have told my DW it is time for her to started executing the use of my DPOA for both medical and Financial matters. My DW will ask me to share my thoughts about what I'd like to do, but she and I know, now, she knows best what the right thing to be done is. I also turned over all of my ownership in the house, our savings and Life Insurance Policies. I am the first patient that my Neuro Dr, has that gave up their Drivers License voluntarily. I am blessed to have my DW looking out for me and our finances. They have both gone beyond me. I continue to remain active as a Volunteer in our Parish through Religious Ed programs, and Ushering along with volunteer work in a faith based organization. I am sure I'll pull the plug on the volunteer work when the time comes.
My hope is that other patients in Early Onset Dementias, will look at this and take some action on their own regarding Financial and Medical powers for themselves, and that they continue volunteering and keeping as engaged as you can be until you are no longer able to make contributions like volunteering any longer. I have no reason to ever think my DW will not do what is best for me.
Happy Independence Day,
John
I do hope others on this forum begin thinking about what you have shared about your own situation.
Best wishes to you for your thoughtfully planned future.
As for coping with the overfeeding, it may be time to invest in "timed feeders." Timed feeders open or dispense only a certain amount of food that you program into the feeder. Let mom be responsible for filling the feeders and putting out fresh water. If you have too much seed available outside, you will have mice and rats and then snakes.
I don't see anything wrong with feeding the birds (I do the same) but not to the excess your Mom does. The neighborhood cats will eat the mice as cats love mice.
As far as the cat, keep the cat in your room and if need be put a lock on the door. I had to keep my cat locked up for 6 months in my room and my cat was fine.
In any case, you need to get POA (medical and financial of your Mom) and take control of her finances so she can't spend the money on bird seed, cat food, etc.
Again, get your Mom tested for dementia / Alzheimer's and then go from there.
I wish you and your Mom the best,
Jenna
Ive washed my hands of the situation. Volunteers help her and I administer most of the household bills on auto pay for her.
Its become too volatile with her rages and narcassistic behavior that she saves for just for me.
#2 she can move in to Assisted Living.
#3. Hide her Credit Card so she can't order an excess amount of bird seed and just by one bag a week for her to put out and in regards to the Cat Food, keep the cans locked up where only you have access and only you will be able to feed the cat
I’d let her doctor know, that’s more then dominance, it’s unrealistic and unreasonable. She maybe losing the ability to make good decisions, my mother blew through hundreds of thousands and then said the caregivers did it.
In other words, the butler did it.
backyard creatures same thing. If you only want to feed the birds they have a cool bird feeder that shuts the openings if a fat squirrel or heavier animal gets up there. It has four slots for birds. The squirrels still show up for ground food but it cuts down on waste. Maybe have her grow and pot flowers to capture her interest to create a nice environment for the animals? She can water and plant ? Good luck.
I've learned a lot about the trajectory of dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. An adult child/caregiver can exhaust themselves by continuing to interact with their LO as if they are still their "prior" selves. The challenge (as you are seeing) is what is still their prior self and what is their new dementia self THAT MOMENT or DAY, since dementia changes them slowly, secretly and steadily but has no real consistency except that it does change them over time. As humans (and loving children) we have an understandably difficult time figuring this out and then adjusting our solutions or reactions because the essence of their personality is still there, yet less and less and so we keep having a knee-jerk reaction to them as their prior selves. Dementia robs them of their ability to reason and also to consider the impact of their behaviors/choices on others who they love.
You've stated that you want to find ways to change your behavior since you have been losing your temper with her (been there, done that). And you say your living situation is complicated. The only real solution is to extricate yourself from her home if you believe (yet cannot prove) that her behaviors are about control and stubbornness. I predict that if you ever do this, it will become abundantly clear that her behaviors are driven by her advancing dementia. If you stay in the current living arrangement and do not see that her irrational behaviors are from dementia, you will be like the little child sticking her fingers in the holes of the dam rather than dealing with the imminent flood.
If you are her PoA then you should check the language in your document to see when your authority becomes activated. If it is durable then you can limit her access to her funds by giving her pre-paid gift or credit cards. She won't like it at all but it prevent your shared home from becoming an unhealthy zoo. With dementia, a lot of what you do your LO will resist and complain about. That's just how it goes. Dementia also has phases, and your mom is currently in one. My aunt (who now has mod/adv dementia) went through a phase where she contributed to every animal welfare fund from the appeals in her one cat magazine. Money she didn't really have. And order all sorts of stupid junk she didn't need. She no longer does that.
I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through solutions and come to grips with your mom's changes.
1. God bless you that you are trying to do the right thing, If you are not in counseling, please do that for your mental health, and perspective on the problem and ways for you to productively change your patterns of interaction where you can. Pray - a lot - for graces to increase in the virtues needed to get you thru this time.
2. In early stages my Mom was exactly like yours - feeding pets incessantly, doing things and ignoring problems that would logically follows. She just didn’t care. Mom was highly logical but lost all perspective in early stages. I had the most conflict with her regarding pet care - killing with “kindness” to obesity and eminent death according to the vet. I did have to lock down the food (which became problematic because she would take ANYTHING out of the fridge to feed them because they were “starving”). I even left the dog treat box on the counter but filled it with a notes (a reminder that vet says xyz) so when she reached in she got a note instead of treats (ticked her off greatly but it solved the problem. When she asked who did it I said my brother LOL because to her he was golden). You can buy locking refrigerators by the way. Or as to another suggestion already made here - lock the cat in your room where she cannot access - maybe for a while to break the cycle anyway. Lock up the bird food, feed once a day together, and take away her ability to order as per other suggestions.
3. Agreed - with other advice here. Stop arguing - it won’t matter or help. Get your phrase such as “we will agree to disagree” or “thank you for your opinion but this is not open for discussion” and continue to repeat without additional commentary. Walk away if you have to for a short time - walk around the block or whatever. This was a counseling strategy I was given that most helpful to me. They can’t argue back when you give them nothing to argue WITH.
4. Yes, do go see an attorney as mentioned here as well. See what documentation you need to build to get total control in the future so you can care for her and create safe future living conditions.
5. Finally - recognize increasing obstinance also is a way for many to grasp and maintain what little control they have left. Understandable. The more you take control the worse she will get for a while - maybe a long while. You have to live thru that nightmare maybe for a long time. But you can do it. Look for ways to let her control other areas to maintain as much dignity if possible (which birdseed should we put out today? Sunflower or thistle? Which feeders do you think need filling today?)
God bless you!
(In my area, people have always fed the deer -- corn piles, apple piles, salt licks -- but because of chronic wasting disease in the deer, folks have been told not to put these items out and can be cited and fined if they do. For the most part, folks have complied.)
As for the cat food, I have told my family that wet cat food is one of the most disgusting things ever. As soon as I open one (I use single-serve containers so that an open container doesn't need to be put in the fridge), my hands get washed and don't get between me and the sink because I might just kill you, lol. I cannot imagine living with multiple cat food containers open all over the house. That would totally gag me.
You have provided enough information to make me think that your mother does not have dementia but she has already decided to stop driving and rely on you to take her to appointments. This gives you some leverage in the relationship if you are able to hold your temper and become a bit calculating and disciplined in the way you manage your obligations to her. Start going out for several hours by yourself much more frequently. Meet friends in the evening for dinner. Be less available than you have been. Disengage from her emotionally a bit. Stop being a source of entertainment. If she is cooking the meals, start taking over some of these responsibilities. Change the transactional attributes of the relationship and start varying your routine.
Do you work outside the home? It doesn’t sound like it. You say your mother has no friends but do you have friends? The two of you may be getting on each other’s nerves because you spend too much time together and have no outside interests. If this is your mother’s home and she has ample resources, she has every reason to feel that her desires take precedence over yours, even if you are sharing expenses equally. To stop her behavior, you must stop cleaning up after her period or pick up the bird seed feeder and the cat food and throw it away the minute you see it. Do not yell or argue. Just do it. Decrease the amount of cat food that you buy or throw the excess away as soon as it arrives at your house from the on line vendor. Stop driving her on non-essential trips. Stop taking her out to dinner. Be nice about it; don’t discuss your reasons, etc. Just make yourself far less available.
People usually sense a change in the character of a relationship very quickly. If your mother is acting out of stubbornness, she may change her behavior when she understands the social cost of your withdrawal. If she doesn’t, it may we’ll be time to start thinking about living elsewhere. If you are really of leaving, tell her so without getting angry or threatening her in any way. You may still need to live nearby and arrange or provide transportation but you will at least be living your own life.
Not sure which I'd choose out of living in a giant bowl of cat food 🤮 vs an overheated house in a heatwave 😰. Imagine those 2 elders together 🤯
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-horrible-for-being-an-old-nag-to-my-parent-and-ive-become-impatient-im-feeling-so-guilty-468394.htm
Keep your cat in your room. Put the cat's food in your room. Move the cat's litter box to your bathroom. Poor kitty but better than being fed to death by your mother.
Your mother "has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order" because of your monthly subsidy. You, basically, are causing your own problem. It's like giving cash to someone with a compulsive gambling problem.
If your mother has "ample funds" why does she *need* your monthly subsidy?
Stop paying the monthly subsidy and use that money to pay for repairs of all the damage your mother's feeding of wildlife has caused on your property.
What about buying bird feeders and telling her that those are the only locations where she can put birdseed?
And at the beginning of dementia, the person often is very defensive about their disturbing behavior.