My mom is at the stage where she is still mobile, still of sound mind, but very reliant on me for driving her to appointments, store, etc (she no
longer drives) and performing physical tasks she can no longer do. For several years we have lived in a basically good and harmonious arrangement where we contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Lately, though, I noticed we are often engaged in ridiculous dominance battles that center on her insistence on overfeeding wildlife in our back yard and also our cat inside the house. She orders pounds of birdseed a week and lavishly leaves it out in the yard for birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and any other vermin that wants to stop by. Red squirrels (highly territorial) have been attracted by all the food and have systematically chewed their way through our porch screens looking for more. I’m scared that mice will show up next. No amount of reasoning, haranguing, yelling etc will make a dent in her insistence on the lavish spreads each day. I realize old people don’t have much to enjoy, but it’s starting to cause property damage as well as the animals constantly fighting one another which is unpleasant. Also the neighborhood cats have started to see our yard as a prey source.
Second, our cat has diabetes and it’s important she eats well before having her twice daily medication. My mom has been taking this as a cue to get the cat to eat by leaving open bowls full of canned food in every room
of the house. Not just on doors but on sinks, on couch, in windows, in bathrooms. It is disgusting and a massive waste of food, and I am constantly having to clean it up when she forgets. She puts out way more than this cat would ever eat in one meal. Again, I feel this is more tied to a psychological need to overfeed animals than any real practical purpose.
Blew up at her at 3:30 am this morning when I was going to shut a window before a storm and put my hand right in a big bowl of uneaten cat food. A classic “Yes you are going to stop this - no I’m not” argument ensued.
This is more a question for me but how do you cope with these situations where the elderly person is just doing very stupid and possibly damaging (in case of birdseed) thing and they just will not stop? I mean ways to unilaterally defuse the dominance arguments. I would move out but she has no friends and no one near by to look after her. (Did I mention that she has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order, does not need someone to drive her to the store to get it)
How do I cope with this? Would appreciate pointers to articles about this type of elderly behavior
We all just play along, in her case, she's not mobile enough to DO anything anymore, which is sad, but keeps her from doing just what your mom is doing--putting out 10xs the amount of birdseed that is necessary. She has a birdfeeder right outside her kitchen window which she can no longer even seen, because her back is so completely bent over. (She used to overfill that thing several times a day!) Now anything over 3-1/2 feet off the ground--she just cannot see. She CAN stand up straight--but won't. You don't get sympathy if you're not hunched over your walker!
She buys tons of junk out of catalogs and keeps it all in boxes. Tons of 'large print books' which she just piles all over her apt. I used to go online and order her the books she wanted to read from the LIBRARY and then they'd go BACK to the library--but she'd rather dump $100's of dollars on books she may or may not read. Same with puzzles. I would imagine she 'wastes' upwards of $500 a month on things she does not need. I feel like she should be paying for a bigger portion of the living expenses at YB's home, where she lives. (Right now she pays for the cable and that's it).
SIL has stepped out of any CG, 100% and mother is furious about that. She thinks SIL should be bringing her meals and cleaning. After 24 years, SIL is burnt to toast. Mother calls her the 'enemy' and I know SIL knows and is hurt by this.
Losing the filter to NOT say what just comes to mind is a good indicator of oncoming dementia. It doesn't have to be full fledged, all day kookiness. Just a slip of reasoning, 'thoughts' that come out in verbiage--when it was probably more prudent to just keep your thoughts to yourself---unkind words or actions--it's a slow slide.
Yeah, mom can balance her checkbook, but she can also comment that your pants make you look fatter than usual.
As far as mom overfeeding the many animals at YB's house-that is his problem. She gives them so many treats, and then they go into the common living room and throw up. Or worse. She doesn't see (or smell) a problem.
And I NEVER talk to her after 5 pm. She can't remember anything and there's not point in trying.
Your Mom over feeding the animals is not normal. You don't need to leave food all over for a cat. They go to the place they always go when hungry. My cat actually sat next to his bowl when he wanted to be fed. You must have ants galore.
Get Moms PCP to order labs to rule out any physical problems. Watch for signs of Dementia. How is she in late afternoon, early evening? How does she process what is being said to her. Does it seem to take longer?
If you get the right product, you will smell nothing. My BIL uses it around his garden every summer to keep the deer and squirrels off his veggies.
I'm telling you, you could be standing right there and you will smell nothing.
I'm gonna ask him about the one he uses and I'll message you the name and where to get it. That stuff works because all the critters stay away from his place.
I'm assuming the cat doesn't go outside. Usually a cat keeps critters away too.
As Barb says, there may be a physical cause, like age related mild cognitive impairment/early dementia, a UTI, depression, a thyroid or vitamin imbalance. She should have a physician work up with the physician contacted pre-visit about what the concern is (either pass off a note when you check in or contact the office pre-visit). Medicare does require yearly health checks, if that helps get her there. Some people do not progress further than mild cognitive impairment, which can be treated with medication to slow the progression, if that's what this is, but you would want to address any treatable causes.
If this is MCI/dementia then a confrontational approach is not going to work or be helpful for your or your mom's stress levels-there quite simply is a void around these daily rote tasks she does-since she can't recognize that she's done it, she does it again. There are going to be gaps in the way she can remember AND react to the information you show her, as it MCI affects not just memory but reasoning, critical thinking, and awareness. Your confronting her with things she's not remembering doing is probably very scary, and doesn't make sense to. her.
I hope you are able to get some answers and not have the house torn up by critters. Perhaps there are local programs your mom could participate in so that she has something else to do during the day?
Putting excessive amounts of this food out daily is really, really important to her. (Any suggestions that she limit the amount per day is met with instant resistance.)
As for the catfood, she immediately responds with defiance when I complain. She hasn't forgotten she's done it. She is full of justification ("it's the only way I can get the cat to eat!" - no, it's not, all you have to do is have a regular feeding schedule). Last night at 3:30 am when I was yelling at her, she was thoroughly defiant. (As for me, I was so disgusted with my own loss of control, that's when I figured "It's time to chew the fat with the good folks at Aging Care" ;-)
I *have* seen mental changes like you describe taking hold of other people I know, but I just wanted to stress, I really don't believe that is what is going on here.
She obviously does not retain the information that you give her about the feeding of the wildlife or the cat.
I bet if you step back and review the past year or two in your mind there are lots of little indicators that mom's mental status is on the decline.
I would have her tested, say that it is a part of the annual physical.
If she truly is of sound mind tell her.
My House, My Rules
My Way or the Highway.
Is she still insists then block the way that she orders the food. (I would do that in any case) Refuse delivery of any new deliveries.
Keep cans of cat food locked up so that she does not have access to it.
Tell her that if she can not follow the rules then you will go with her to look at Assisted Living facilities. You would still be able to take her to appointments if you wish or most will have transportation available to residents that need to go to the doctor or shopping.
If indeed she is on the decline with her mental status you need to make sure all the paperwork is in order that you will need. A visit to an Elder Care Attorney might be next on your list of "to do's"
And the first thing you learn with any type of dementia is that you never argue, you will never win!
Partition the house? Sell it and divide the proceeds? No dice. Both parties have to agree, and she will NEVER leave the house she has been in since age nine (with interludes of living elsewhere when she was first married). So, that would be a costly and confrontational legalistic solution no one really wants. The only non-persuasive leverage (and persuasion has failed) is this monthly stipend she still gets from me, I'm afraid.
As for her buying me out - she has no resources for that. In fact, part of the reason that kept me from "getting out" to an apartment is knowing that she would be absolutely financially and logistically hapless and would probably want to move in with me - in a tinier space!
(Sorry, I should have warned folks that this was complicated, which is why I'm trying to focus on changing me and not her!)
I do want to go to an attorney to see about my aunt's situation because I think it's getting closer that someone outside has to be brought in to help oversee her general welfare, but that's another story.
(PS, and probably important: for the last year and a half I've been stuck working from home, for reasons we all know about.)
It turns out she chooses to spend her extra money mainly on birdseed and cat food. OK, whatever, it's her life; but I also live here too (and am co-owner of the house, so I really don't "owe" rent to begin with). She simply does not accept the reality I live in, which is that excess food attracts excess animals, and that she is filling our house with open bowls of cat food, which she doesn't find as disgusting as I do. (She is not forgetting them. She is deliberately putting it out and she never apologizes when confronted.) OK! Different realities.
There are unfortunately no apartment units open in our immediate neighborhood, where my aunt also lives, or else I'd consider moving out - but of course, my mom's monthly subsidy payments would have to stop. My aunt is continuing much the same except her independence is also likely to decline when she eventually stops driving. (My sister remains remote from it all and talks openly about moving away to another state once all her animals pass on, which should be in 2-3 years.)
Honestly the only idea I've had to communicate with my mother over this is to simply "bill" her (with photo evidence) every time I find an absolutely egregious cat food violation of our shared space. After all, there is no legal agreement - it's just been me being (maybe foolishly) over solicitous. I don't know. Maybe $50 charge for every documented open cat food bowl found in the upstairs bathroom (taken out of her monthly stipend) would wake her up. It would be communication, but a kind of lousy way to communicate. But open conversation hasn't helped and neither has yelling.
My mother has absolutely no one in her life except me, my sister and her sister (aunt, who has her own issues). My sis just isn't interested and will help only if forms are submitted and filled out in triplicate (not really, but that's the attitude).
There are no extended family members locally to help. There is no one but me. And my mother does not respect my perspective any more.
I understand where you're coming from and believe it when you say that your mother is fine mentally. Dementia isn't always the reason why an elderly person is ornery, stubborn, and a pain-in-the-a$$. Sometimes it's simply because they are bored, lonely, and want to exert dominance over another person. I live in a similar situation to you. My mother doesn't have dementia. She's abusive though. She has to have someone to fight with and dump on. It's great satisfaction to her if she can grind me down to nothing. It's not dementia because she's been like this to me my whole life. She wasn't elderly when I was a little kid. The behavior is the same though.
You have the choice of moving out. If you're legally a half owner of the house, then mother will have to buy you out. Then move out. If feeding and attracting vermin and leaving bowls of cat food all over the place is worth being left totally alone in her old age, so be it. If that's the choice she makes then let her make it. Your sister is the smart one. She keeps herself well away the situation. Do as she does.
In the meantime, there's a way prevent the critters and vermin coming around in spite of food being left out for them and mom wouldn't even know.
You can buy a product at most home improvement stores or on line. It is a synthesized product that to animals smells like wolf or coyote urine. Humans can't smell it, but to animals it seems there's a predator in the area and they will stay away. All it takes is a few drops around the yard like on trees or patios, etc.., and the number of animals showing up will be greatly reduced.
As for the cat food everywhere, there's not a lot you can do about that if she has it delivered.
Look for your own place though.
We had a similar trajectory with my mom. She was " sharp as a tack".
The changes were subtle, but suddenly, she was no longer able to see the consequences of her actions, became irrationally fearful about some pretty ordinary things and everything that occured was suddendly " an emergency".
I am going to suggest that your mom may have had a stroke and that neuropsych testing would tell you that she can no longer reason her way out of a paper bag.
I think you've said that your mom doesn't "do" doctors, so I'm not sure that your next step should be.
Hoping some of our wiser posters will have suggestions.
My mom's problem is that she has spent so much of her life as a loner (how she got married and had kids, I don't know) that she simply doesn't listen to any advice, and particularly not from her youngest child (me). There has been no change in that pattern, just that more cash has been injected into her situation (the "inheritance") and no doubt the overfeeding thing is psychological related to her own life issues (aging, maybe becoming a widow even though my dad left her 25+ years ago, her relationship with her other daughter is not the greatest, etc).
Yes, I know I've been playing the role of enabler. It is very difficult to cut that off when you, yourself, have no support. I am considering the money-as-communication option with this particular situation. Anything to avoid a repeat of yelling at her at 3:30 am...
Does that mean that you expect to pay for your aunt and your mother? In the post above, you state that she has ample funds. Until this issue you write about above, you state you have had a good and harmonious relationship with your mother where you contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Sounds like that harmonius relationship may be coming to an end. What is your plan now, and has anything changed since 2017? Do you expect to live with and be your mother's fulltime caregiver as she further declines? And what about your aunt? What's changed in the past four years there?