My mom is on a strict 2000 Cal. ADA diet. In my opinion, she should finish her dinner, and if she doesn't, then no dessert. I spent 2 hours on this meal. I told her no, now she wants to leave and go home where she will not be forced to eat. This is a new attitude, and I want to address it in a reasonable fashion. Any thoughts?
I can pretty much guarantee that the last thing you will be thinking as she lays dying is "dang, I wish I hadn't let her have that fudge bar" .
Agreed, Mom is going to have a ball! Thanks so much.
You sound like I have to stop myself from sounding when I’m serving lunch to my 4 year old grand daughter. The approach doesn’t work with her, and doesn’t work with your mom.
Good luck with this, seriously. Get Jerry Seinfeld’s wife’s book, great tricks for sneaking healthy food into reluctant eaters!
I will check the book out, always looking for new ideas. Have a good night.
Is it also possible that you are serving her more than she can eat at 1 meal?
Maybe break the portions into 4, 5 or 6 small meals so she can "nibble" during the day.
Spending 2 hours on making a meal is a bit much ( I bet there is a bit of an exaggeration there though) Make smaller more simple meals. Give her the more calorie dense meals earlier in the day. (My Grandma used to say Eat Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a Prince and Dinner like a Pauper) She will be able to digest larger meals easier during the day and go to bed not feeling filled and uncomfortable.
Thank you for this follow up. When we are in the middle of a situation it can be hard to see other options.
It is remarkable that you have your mother at age 97, that is a testament to the good care you have ensured she has received.
Sometimes it can be hard to let go and accept that our loved one will not be here forever, no matter how closely they follow a diet or medication regime. A couple times a year I would surprise my kids with a dessert first meal. Sometimes at Dairy Queen, and sometimes at home, where we rarely had dessert. I would insist that they ate every last bit of their dessert before eating their dinner. It was all in fun, but made me realize that sometimes dessert is enough. My kids still talk about the first time we did it at Dairy Queen, they were 8 and 10 years old, they are 22 and 24 now.
I am sure you would want your Mum's last meal to have included dessert.
ps. Are the fudge bars you are talking about ice cream treats, Fudgsicles? Dairy Queen used to have sugar free ones. I used to buy them for my diabetic MIL.
While some children, IMHO are being controlling and treating their parents like children, I have recently come to realize that those children are the minority. The majority of them are not being controlling but rather coming from a place of good intention. They are caregivers trying to do right by their parents and do what they think is best. And that’s what you’re doing here. You’re trying to do what’s best for your mother. You have her bets interests in mind. You aren’t trying to control her and tell her what she can and can’t eat. You’re looking out for her. You’re heart is in the right place! I say, she’s 97. If she wants a fudge bar for dinner, let her have one. Treat yourself to one too! And you can always look for the healthiest option, you don’t have to get the fancy real fudge bars that are full of sugar and fat! You can always trick her with frozen yogurt or Halo or something else. Honestly everything in moderation right? If you give in and give her a Milky Way for breakfast than denying a fudge bar for dinner doesn’t make you controlling. It makes you reasonable IMHO.
Moderation, absolutely. I do eat a fudge bar, but low fat and 100 calories.
Hope you have a blessed and productive day. Hugs!!
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A quick comment on your post about the time.
I get it . I was doing pureed foods for my Husband. Most of his meals were soup, a very thick soup but I could thicken with veggies and meats not using the "Thickit" product I used for drinks. Thick and more protein. Then I switched dinner to breakfast. It is time consuming to think up tasty meals that are not going to put someone at risk for choking.
But to the point.
Watch the Fudge bars. They melt as she is eating them and they are in the mouth and throat just like an un thickened liquid so there is an aspiration risk. Maybe try pudding, same taste but it will not melt like the fudge bar.
Leave her alone, that's my suggestion. In fact, I just sent my mother a big box of See's candies in the mail, they're her favorites. Who cares if she eats the whole box in 3 days? Those chocolates will make her happy and that's something that's in short supply for her these days. I personally feel that our goal should be to keep our mothers happy nowadays, nothing else. Yes, safe too........but happy first & foremost.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, my friend. And bravo to you for your huge heart.
My two penn'orth - aside from nutrition, I think you have every right to make the point to your mother that allowing you to spend so much time and trouble on a meal, then decline it, then decide she wants a fudge bar instead are worthy of an overtired three year old. Where are her manners?
I hope you weren't cooking only for her, though? - and again, if a 97 year old wants to behave like said three year old... that's her choice. Just don't join in by treating her like one.
97--shoot, if she wants to eat fudge bars for MEALS I'd let her.
Be aware that as we age we lose our ability to taste especially those with a Dementia. Salt and Sugar seems to be what the elderly can still taste. Its instant gradification. Let her have her treat. She is 97 not much she probably enjoys at this age.
I will discuss it with her doctor as you suggested. Nutritionist wants her to get at least 70 gm protein per day , on pureed diet and she lost about 10 lbs since October, which was expected.. The docs want her to drink eight 8oz glasses of water per day, I am lucky she drinks 30-32 oz. per day most days. She does like salt and sugar in her foods. I sweeten some of her foods with Stevia. You are right about the 2000 cal. diet. That is probably the reason why she gets too full easily. Great question for the doctor next visit. I am going to give her the treats often with Splenda. The advice I received from all of you has been so helpful to me and I am deeply grateful. Have a good night,, JoAnn.
Kinda seems like she doesn't want to be treated like a child.
I understand that you're just trying to do what's right for Mom, however, at 97 she doesn't have many years left. Let her indulge a little! You'll both be happier.
God bless!!
Thank you for your reply, appreciate it. We are working on the child thing. Boy it is hard, though. I am certainly going to let her indulge and have some fun. We already planned a ice cream social at the end of the summer. Mom had a great big smile on her face. I can't wait myself!! Niece and I are learning to be more laid back with mom, better than being uptight about everything, that is for sure. Have a pleasant night.
It made no difference what order it was.
Then she started having difficulty swallowing just before the end. She refused to eat the pureed foods because of the taste.
I say let her eat whatever she wants whenever she wants. And talk to her as much as possible. Encourage her to eat and rub her back and hug her a lot.
What a nice reply. It is amazing after twenty years of caring for my mom, I am finally getting it into my thick skull, thanks to all of you. I give her hugs and kisses all day long. She gets a shoulder rub with scented lavender lotion every night before bed. Great tip, though. I am going to give her whatever she wants, and it does not matter the order. Niece and I are a little teary eyed these days because we thought we were helping her, and didn't realize until this thread how ridiculous we actually were. Wishing you a beautiful day!
My mothers lunch today:
Fudge bar 100% before lunch
Pureed manicotti with marinara sauce 2 large pieces. Ate half portion
Chocolate avocado and banana pudding with dollop whip cream 100%
after her lunch.
Comment from my mother
The dinner was soooo good! Yay!!
Still talking about her lunch, said she loved it.
He then added several smaller rocks to the container filling in the gaps around the larger rocks. He again ask if the container was full. Again the reply was YES.
He then began adding sand to the container and again ask if the container was full.
Reply again was YES.
It was then that a student in the rear of the room removed a can of beer from his back pack, carried to the front of the room, opened it aand poured it into the container.
The instructor ask what that proved.
The student replied "No matter how full you are, there is always room for a beer."
Let her eat pretty much what she wants, in whatever order she wants, and as much as she wants. And hug her when she is full.