Mom doesn't like AL. Siblings are giving me a hard time about care & finances... Help!

Your sister thinks mom should go home and be cared for by whom?

Does your sister have any idea what in home care costs, as opposed to AL?

Give her the numbers of some home care agencies and tell her she's free to call and set things up, but that YOU are not going to be involved; all emergency calls will go to her.

Yeah, I saw that. OP needs to call sister and say "Mom is going to come home and be cared for by WHOM?"

As in "Sis, you don't get to run my life".

By the way, you have every right to keep mom's finances private from your sister.

My brother was POA and I had no idea about what moms resources were, since that's the way she wanted it.

If mom no longer trusts you, perhaps it's time to move her to Sis's neck of the woods.

Now that I've got over my initial outrage (see reply to BB, below)...

Your father died only six months ago, and everybody must still be very raw from that. So we must make certain allowances.

Was your mother living at home under your father's supervision up until then? How long has she been in her current ALF?

In the interests of charity I am assuming that your brother is hiding, and your sister is overcompensating. The important thing to do is put up your own emotional defences, and then carry on regardless until everyone has had more time to adjust.

Just one more question: your sister has cut ties with you, she is now "convincing mom that she should live at home" but you won't allow it - so if you're not in direct contact with your sister, are you getting this version of your sister's views from your mother? Doesn't mean it's wrong, of course, but it does mean you shouldn't necessarily swallow it whole.

By the way, unless your sister is included in the POA instructions, she has no more right to your mother's financial information than I have. It's important to keep those records immaculate, so well done there; and I would agree that sharing an overview of income and outgoings is sensible so that everyone knows what's what, but your sister has no business to demand it.

As far as the paranoid idea of stealing, it might go away eventually, but there could be another obsession to take its place, hopefully a less disturbing one. But if she has your sister's ear on the complaints, she will keep them up much longer. As for the sister, it would make things so much easier if she would be supportive. What about the three of you, brother included, getting some counseling together? I know the feeling of being overwhelmed with responsibility and then with your sister's attitude on top of it, this is too awful to stand for. Until you find help, try to put a little wall around you that detracts her demands, so that you can't even hear them. Do not engage with her, except to arrange counseling. Someone here will have suggestions on where to look for a professional who specializes in situations such as this.

Your mother is doing what most do when they go to AL, they whine and complain to anyone who will listen, this being your sister, it is a manipulation tactic. If your sister thinks she can do a better job, let her take mom into her home, I can guarantee you, she will start singing another song.

Don't let your sister bully you into anything. She can either take mom in or move into mom's house and take care of her. Those are her options, otherwise, there is nothing further to discuss..is there?

If necessary, go no contact with your sister, let her harass your brother.

I love Barb's response. If this keeps up, have your mother go live with the sister.

I absolutely agree with the opinions of all posters below. I am so glad you are holding firm on the taking Mom home. Her monies were saved by her for her care, and are being used for that.
Something that might "work" for sister's needs to know (though probably not) is what I do for my bro. I manage his monies as I am both his financial POA and the Trustee of his trust. I pay all his bills. Just getting mailings coming to me, with everyone wanting a copy of POA and Trust documents is daunting. And I have a file that is "all his" in a very attractive wine box (!). Because my brother is rather MORE cognizant of everything than less, I make him a month statement of all monies coming into his trust (whether from SS or from CD interest) and all monies paid OUT each month. It is easily done once the grid is made on the computer. I have to keep these records ANYWAY, so there they all are. His copy he keeps in a binder. Were I to have a "questioning sister" as you do I would send HER a copy as well. That would be it. I would not discuss of argue with her, because I am in charge. Were she to want to take me to court, that's fine, as I could then present my records, copies and diary to the court.
And yes, as was said below, should your sister care to take on the care of her mother, in the interests of saving what she seems to see as her future inheritance, then do suggest she might like giving that a try.
I think the luckiest thing you have said here is that she has cut ties with you. As to convincing Mom, just tell Mom that at present you are unable but she might suggest moving in with Sister.
If the Sister would like to take on the POA and Mom would like that, give her the whole thing. You can take over being the gnat she is in everyone's tea.

You are the POA so you have been appointed to take care of mom’s finances. You are NOT required to give Sister an accounting of everything. If she were poa, it’s a different story. You are taking care of it. Period. Do not even take her calls anymore. You’re taking care of mom as you have hcp too. Do not take mom home. Hugs 🤗

Yes, I agree..Countrymouse, if we could all take turns smacking sister’s head...then that would be great! It probably still would not knock in any sense to her empty head!

Well, firstly stop telling them everything Just the absolute essentialS. Start keeping an expense ledger and get out all those old receipts, write them up ,file them away and keep doing it

put you foot down and tell them to bugger off as you have POA and they do not.

Sometimes being very forthcoming with costs does no good at all, as was my case. I was absolutely meticulous about keeping a spreadsheet and all receipts for four years as I knew it would blow up. When it did, court ordered an audit of finances and appointed a conservator for the audit. When audit was complete, conservator reported to the court there was nothing amiss, twisteds still did not believe this professional that there was no financial exploitation.

Over all that time, one receipt in the amount of $12.00 from Walgreens, was lost. Twisteds focused on that and never forgot about it. Some people just have to be right as a result of their vindictiveness and spite.

Stick to your guns - unless your sister would like to take on all you do and keep the records etc. In which case you have done some time so let her have a go - of course that means Mum lives with her!.

At least, you don't have to deal with that bully of a sister anymore! She sounds like a headache.... but if she decides to criticize you again and wants you to take care of mom at home, then say "Ok, I want mom to be sent to your house and you take care of her. You're not obviously satisfied with the job that I am doing. " Let her run around, taking care of mom and let her experience caregiver burnout....She will be singing a different song afterwards.

The brother (whether he likes it or not) should be involved, too-It's his mother, too. If he doesn't get involved, then he could regret not spending enough time with her after she passes away.

I think your mom is having hallucinations or seeing things that are not happening or just making up stuff so she can get you to move her out of there.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters: Stick to your guns, don't let them control you. You're doing the right thing, even if your sister doesn't think so.

Unless your mom specifically requested that you share her private financial information with your siblings you are violating your fudiciary responsibility to handle things as mom would have when she was of sound mind and able to make sound decisions by giving them this information.

If she did not request this I would send a certified letter to both siblings explaining that you have recently learned that you can not just share moms private information and you will no longer be doing so. Maybe get a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) to help you understand what your responsibilities are as moms POA. There is a reason mom assigned you when she was in her right mind. You can use mom's money to do this, you are ensuring that she is protected from everyone, including yourself by having a disinterested trained professional take a look and guide you. This also helps you if your sister decides to go to law with her asinine requests and meddling. Hard to say the attorney was breaking the law. Most attorneys will give you a free consultation, schedule with every attorney in your area that is certified for elder law and have all your documents and questions written down, you are interviewing them to be your paid assistant, so if they don't offer a free consultation don't bother with them and choose one that is a fit for your needs, displays competence and understanding of your situation, you will know.

As POA you are able to limit or cut off contact for anyone that is harming your mom. If your sister doesn't stop keeping mom agitated and discontented because of her nonsense you are within your rights to stop her from having contact. This is extreme and last resort, but she is hurting your mom by sowing seeds that are dead on arrival and giving her false hope and keeping her stirred up all the time. It is something to discuss with the attorney.

As others have said, she can go live with your sister, however, if she is demented you have POAs and that can not be changed because mom is not able to make that decision. So you would have to resign and that would leave mom with no representative, not a good idea.

You are doing right by your mom and yourself, don't let your sister make it any harder than it already is. Hopefully, she will come around and see that mom is in the best place possible. It is challenging when you are not there to see what is going on and only hearing about it from the person that doesn't want all this change life is shoving down her world.

I know my answer doesn’t address the finances or sister problem but it’s about your mom not liking AL. My mom didn’t like AL either; always crying and threatening to leave. The staff kept urging me to place her in their memory care area. They felt she would do better in a smaller more personalized living situation. She was being bullied by some of the AL residents because of her dementia and crying. Boy was the staff right. It took a very short adjustment period but she really likes it there. Feels safe and loved by the staff. She’s at s Brookdale Senior living facility in Ohio. Thought I’d mention it as a possibility for your mom’s happiness level. My mom told me she wants to stay there til the end.

Our situations sound similar - I'm sure it's the plight of many a daughter (or son). My brother and sister help very little. In fact, I just got a call from my sister yesterday - first one in months - telling me she had gone to see mom and was surprised by her decline. I could've said "if you visited more often, you wouldn't have been so surprised." But I didn't. I'm just too tired and discouraged to keep fighting that battle. I heard some nasty comments and accusations about my handling of my mother's finances long ago. Those comments stopped when I asked mom if she wanted someone else to handle them - she said she didn't trust anyone but me - and when I offered to turn everything over to them and let them deal with it, they declined.

We used to have a good relationship, but I resent being the one stuck with all of mom's issues while they get to do whatever they please. I resent being the one who has to deal with the doctors, lawyers, trustee, bank, insurance company, and facility staff. I have no special background or knowledge that qualifies me more than them and I don't have POA. I just try to listen, take advice from people who have that kind of knowledge, and make the best decisions I can. I'm sure I've made mistakes, and I know I'll hear about them some day, but at least I tried and was honest in doing so. Best thing to do is just do your best, follow your instincts, make sure there are records of everything, and ignore the snotty remarks and neglect of your mom from the siblings. Yes, it will mean more work for you, but failing to engage with them over things like doc appointments or paying the hairdresser, whose turn it is to bring her home from the ER, and who never takes her shopping takes a certain amount of stress away. Grit your teeth, do what needs to be done and know in your heart that you did what's right even if it was difficult or inconvenient. You know you're going to get stuck with it anyways, might as well not have the stress of dealing with the siblings on top of it.

You ARE having a nervous breakdown so have your sister take her in and answer to you on expenditures if she’s so damn critical. Omgersh that’s so mean of someone to do!!!

"I totally understand where your coming from, I would love to think Mom could be home too (sister) but having been as involved in all of the details as I have been for X years I know in my heart that me caring for her full time at home would not be the best situation for her, As much as it pains me to admit I know I'm simply not capable of providing the physical and medical care she needs at home. She's better off where she is than she would be with me and so is my relationship with Mom but if you feel you can handle the responsibility and meet all of her needs I am happy to have you move home with Mom and take over her primary care. I will help by doing all the official things I am now, her business and legal medical affairs and I am more than happy to take your lead on things if your the one that's doing the day to day hands on, I would welcome the help and support of us being able to share some of the work and responsibilities, all 3 of us if (brother) is up for it after recovering from Dad's passing. But this move was and is difficult enough for Mom and me so if there isn't a real plan in place that makes sense and is approved by her medical team I can't go back to winging it. Mom needs stability and while I know she says shes unhappy I don't have a better solution and it would really help Mom if you could try to support her current living situation unless or until we have a better one in place."

Escalating things with your sister just doesn't accomplish anything other than to make your life harder, maybe putting the ball back in her court will put a muzzle on her and who knows maybe it will get her to step up and actually be productive and help. I wouldn't turn over any legal responsibility or power to her but you could certainly give her the approval to have medical info shared and ability to "see the books" without doing the work yourself, let her contact doctors , the facility etc and let her look through the financial records if she is that interested you don't need to create more work for yourself as long as you are keeping records. I do think that these tensions can happen easily when a sibling lives further away and another is knee deep in all the day to day hands on work. The sibling who lives far away may feel some guilt for not being more involved and the sibling in the trenches day to day is just trying to hold their head above water, the one who lives far away doesn't offer any practical help because they have no clue what might be helpful and the hands on caretaker doesn't ask for specific help because it doesn't occur to them or because it seems like it's more time consuming to explain what you need that just doing it yourself. In the meantime the sibling who isn't doing anything and only chat's with Mom on the phone weekly (when she's prepared and at her best) visits for the first time in 6-8 mos and is shocked by the change in Mom. Maybe the onsite caregiver minimized the decline not wanting to admit themselves or answering for that moment in time when Mom was doing well comparatively, maybe if they are like me they don't want to put that worry and guilt on a sibling who can't do anything anyway. Whatever the various event's the distant sibling who hasn't been up to date with day to day stuff and has no real understanding of the factors that made you decide it was time for professional care hears Mom complaining and is picturing the mom she knew 2 years ago and it's easier to think sibling jumped the gun than face that Mom needs to be institutionalized. If she had been more a part of the progression and the decisions maybe she wouldn't be fighting it so much but maybe she still would, no right or wrong answer here, just what you've got. It helps though to try and put yourself in her shoes and it would help if she could try to put herself in yours which brings me back to my opening, maybe it will get her to that a little. You may be better off including not fighting them both and not expecting much return.

As usual, wonderful advice here from true experts with grit and heart.

When I read about situations like yours, I grateful to be an only child.

Anonymous1256: "The brother (whether he likes it or not) should be involved, too-It's his mother, too."

Absolutely. Why is his grief so special? It's probably just an excuse so that he doesn't have to do anything for his mother.

You have your mother’s financial and healthcare POA. You are in charge. You don’t have to answer to your brother or your sister. So don’t do it anymore. Tell your sister you will no longer provide information to her regarding expenditures (but definitely continue to keep track of them), nor will you engage in discussion about having your mom move in with you. Explain that you will definitely keep her informed about health issues.

Do not let your mom move in with your sister. If you think it’s bad now, it would get worse. Even if you have both POAs, you would lose control. Your mom chose you for a reason. I would suggest consulting with an Elder Law attorney to better understand your role and rights.

You might even consider blocking your sister from talking with your mom to see if this improves your mom’s state of mind regarding AL. If you haven’t already, meet with the AL staff to determine if your mom is really in the right environment. If not, you can investigate other communities.

Sad as it is, this often happens in families. For you, it’s time to establish some serious boundaries with your sister and seek counseling for yourself to be able to deal with your situation.

Many good answers here. Decide what you can reasonably do and stick to it. I told my two brothers that, if they couldn’t help, I expected moral support and NO interference!! And, my mother did not come to live with me. That’s an individual decision that works sometimes - but rarely. Emphasis on my first point: know your limits and don’t waver!

No Fear Here, Dear...You are in Charge of it All. If Sis is Miffed, She Should have Opted for all of these Titles when they were being Made Out, Let Her Cry Her No Loving Cry Heart OUT.xx

Stop telling them. If they ask tell them a generalized summary. I was making the same mistake and had nothing but grief. My sister actually changed dr appointments I had scheduled so she could take over my mother’s medical and drop her perscriptions. ( she told me it’s cutting into our inheritance, really her exact words, unfortunately she’s financial POA, I’m Medical so that may need to change, presently I’m monitoring my mother’s bank accounts ) .
Taking care of parents, especially with questionable siblings, isn’t for sissies.
I also had the hospital system limit who can make and change appointments for her. It’s in her chart so hopefully, they will notice if she tries to do that again.
People lose their minds when money is involved.
lol about your brother. Mine is a 63 yr old bachelor living locally but can’t handle so much as taking my mother anywhere but lunch on a weekend every few weeks , that she pays for btw. My husband meanwhile has to take time off work to help her out , no pay, rarely even a thank you

Stand your ground! Tell your sister that Mom can move to her house if she’s unhappy with the current arrangement. If your sister has convinced Mom to leave AL and return home, refuse to take part in the move. Let your sister take over and take your mom home and find care for her. It’s so easy for the “armchair caregivers” to be dissatisfied and critical, yet they don’t want to provide any help!

To sister: Sure she can come home. I'll be dropping her off at your home next Wednesday.

IF they can't come around you owe them NOTHING - NO EXPLANATION! I have now reached that point. I get no help - just judgment, criticism, and from now on will not request assistance as I'm met with opposition. My friends have offered to help me much more than my family - or some family. Good luck - stay strong and don't be a scapegoat to anyone!

Try harder to get your brother involved. Will he visit mom once a week/once a month? He doesn't know how to "help" so ask for something specific like taking her to one appointment or one store a month.

It might be calm the waters if you give both your brother and your sister a brief written (or email) summary each month. You don't owe her every receipt & check. You are the POA. She may have "cut ties" with you but a little note or an email once a month is reasonable.

You have the delegated responsibility via POA etc and as such really owe them nothing - especially since they don't care to be involved any OTHER, more meaningful way. Your mom was trustful enough of you to manage things that she gave you this designation, not them.

I suspect their concern is that you are spending mom's money on her care (as you rightly should) and so there's less left for them at the end. You can't worry about that. Keep doing what you are doing and ignore the noise and drama they are bringing to you. If they don't like how you did things they can sue you after she dies, at which point they MIGHT be entitled to see receipts etc. Don't let them distract you with this nonsense now.

Also it doesn't matter what they tell your mom about where to live...or what she wants at this point. If she's not in a mental state to know what's best for her you have to override her and not feel guilty about it. It's hard switching roles with a parent (from child to 'parental figure') but it can and often must be done.

Good luck! I feel for you, but you are hardly alone in this dynamic.

Stop keeping them in the loop - if they want copies then it is 10 cents a page just like lawyers charge & give them an estimate of price which they must pay up front - they are arm chair quarterbacking you & are interfering with your performance of your duties -

So your mom doesn't like it in AL - you know she is safe & well taken care of every minute of every day so ignore her saying that people are stealing from her - she is hiding things then forgets the they are 'stolen' - it goes with the territory of dementia - nobody ever said 'when I get old I want to live in a NH/AL' - you may have to stop her calls from sis if mom is being bother by sis

Keep every receipt & medical report as the money hungry vultures that are your siblings will ask for an accounting at some time - good luck