Mom doesn't like AL. Siblings are giving me a hard time about care & finances... Help!

You are the POA.  You have the control.  If you have no help from the siblings, then YOU are decision maker.  Forget the bullying or the abandonment from your siblings if they are of no help  to you.  Your parent signed the POA at the time you got it, so they put their trust in YOU to do for them what they can no longer do for themselves.  Give your sister a dose of what it is like taking care of your mom by putting your mom with her to take care of.  Reality in doing is a great teacher!

Have Sis take care of Mom, but YOU remain POA. Let her see how difficult Mom can be, but you will still be in charge of the purse strings. You can give Sis an operating budget each month.

Valdan, I feel for you. I think you have made the right choice by having her live in an AL situation. There is always someone there to help her and you don’t have to worry about what she would be doing if she lived alone. As for your siblings what I would do is send them once a month an invoice as to what has been spent and if they aren’t satisfied tell them they are welcome to take over all the responsibilities. They aren’t chipping in to help so they have no reason to complain. You are the POA and HCP your mother must have trusted you to make the right decisions or she would not have asked you to do it. Your mother is very vulnerable since she has dementia. She can’t really make the proper decisions for herself. Don’t doubt yourself. If your sister doesn't talk to you so what that’s on her not you. As for your brother you will never be able to count on him. He won’t help. Its sad but that is usually how it goes with family when it comes to taking care of an elder parent. The siblings think they no better than you and will always have something to say about how you are handling things but your doing your best and like I said if they can do better and know better than by all means let them take over and see how it really is. Your a wonderful person for stepping in to help your mom!! Don’t doubt yourself and don’t forget you only need to worry about how your mom is going and the care she is receiving not that your sister needs a detailed run down of all the expenses and that she’s not talking to you. Try not to stress. Easier said than done. Best of luck to you!! 🤗

You are doing the right thing. Mom is well-cared for. Paranoia can be part of the dementia. Your sister is trying desperately to control a situation she has no control over.

Ask sister (and brother) and any other concerned family to meet with you and a counsellor about mom's care. Make copies of those financials for your sister and give them to her at the meeting. Have the counsellor explain what POA and HCP covers. Explain how you are managing mom's situation. Ask the siblings for their help. Decide what is the "best" way to communicate mom's needs and health care changes.

Sadly, I have a brother-in-law who is managing his mom's affairs without POA or HCP and keeps us in the dark. Mom has dementia and is cared for at home by a live-in caretaker in Hawaii - paid for by Dad's life insurance (he passed a couple of years ago). You don't want to be the "secretive sister" but you also shouldn't be the "doormat sister."

Valdan——if you have POA and HCP, and your sister does no care of/for your mom, you dont owe her any explanation for taking care of your/her mom!!! I say its a good thing she has cut ties with you. You should not have any guilt feelings or be stressed out! You know you are doing what is right, for both your mom and you. I would tell your sister if she wants to handle everything, she can move mom in with her!

Do not buckle to sister and brother's demands. You're doing the right thing with mom being in the AL. Tell sis in no uncertain terms to stop the nonsense. You do not need acrimony, lest it drive you crazy.

If you are the one and only POA, you owe the siblings NOTHING. While it might seem sensible to keep everyone informed, it really is NONE of their business. IF mom appointed someone outside the family OR the court ordered a non-family member to be guardian/conservator, they would have NO obligation to reveal anything to any of you. It is mom's information (financial and medical) and you are not required to provide anything to either of them (as others said, legally you probably shouldn't - you could ask the attorney who set up the documents what the legal standing is on sharing this information. If s/he says no, then no.)

For now, I would just stop providing any information. They don't NEED mom's finances spelled out and if they are so concerned about her well-being, let them go visit her.

Best case is all family members work together in harmony and accept everything. Surprisingly there are families like that out there! Next best is working together, but perhaps questioning, but accepting the responses. As much as it would be nice to have one of those scenarios, the next best situation is like my own - the brothers don't do anything, but also don't hassle me. It is enough to have to handle everything, I wouldn't want the added burden of having to provide all that to them! Worst case is pretty much where you are. THEY know best and question, belittle, demand but have no clue.

If sister knows everything, let HER take mom in and give it a whirl! It shouldn't take very long for her to realize it isn't her cup of tea (probably already knows that, since she demands mom move home and YOU care for her!)

As for your brother, it might just be that he can't handle the situation. On hearing how much MC would cost, BOTH brothers immediately said for that kind of money they would take her in. Note it hasn't happened! I told them I wouldn't object, but suggested they understand what they are taking on first!

OB isn't local, so during one of his trips here to help clear out condo, I sent him to visit mom while I got ready. When I suggested it again, he refused saying he 'didn't know what to do with her.' Even if he lived locally, I seriously doubt he would visit again. YB doesn't get it either. When I mention it is too much managing it all myself (there IS a lot to do even when they live in a facility!) his response was that 'they take care of her.' Sure. Who manages all the money, juggling to get just the right amount in the account to pay for the place and necessities not provided? Who picks those necessities up and delivers them? Who manages her medication orders? Who arranges doctor/dentist/haircut appointments? Who transports her? Who has to respond/take care of issues that crop up? Clueless that one.

Sounds like maybe your brother is like my OB. Can't handle the situation and doesn't know how to "get along" with mom as she is now. This isn't the mom he knew.

But, back to the real problem - sister. Convincing mom she needs to go home and you won't allow it? With dementia, does this stick with her after sister is gone? Is sister the one planting the ideas about you stealing from her? Can you have a meeting with staff to find out what is going on when sister is there? If she is doing this, it might be possible to stop her visits (or at least require supervision.)

Like you, I feel it is a huge responsibility to manage everything, but fortunately for me, at least for now, the brothers don't ask and I don't offer. The best you can do is stop providing updates, both medical and financial and just keep good records of everything. As others have posted, some siblings are nasty enough to drag it all to court. So long as you have good records and they can't prove anything, it might end up costing her/them all the court/attorney fees. If any questions arise about not getting updates, just say that when you provided them before, no one believed you anyway, so why bother having those extra tasks for nothing?

You're doing alright. Not just alright, but so much more than what your siblings are doing! Taarna is right. Your sister is just trying to control your mom and you. AND YOU HAvE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE HER REQUESTS. If I was as burned out, I would prioritize my time where it counted, not in a argument. It sounds like you're really involved in your mother's healthcare routine and that's praiseworthy. It isn't an easy job to do, let alone all other factors involved.
Diving into these new situations is tough and no one should have to go through it alone. I'm so sorry that your family has withdrawn their support during this hard time, but please come here if you need it! Take a break(yes, it's allowed). Grab coffee and sit somewhere your comfortable at for 30min or so(away from mom if permitted). Talk to different people you encounter. Write out your thoughts. Breathe deeply or listen to music/podcast. Take 10min breaks whenever you feel you need it, and make time for it everyday. Some days won't be calm, others will. There will be rainy days(for your mom) but enjoy the sunny ones when they come around. And if someone wants to rain on that, don't let them!
You deserve you time too.

You know what? It takes a lot to take care of a parent, in home or when in Assisted Living. In home is more difficult. I did both, and have my own family, and I was not getting sleep. I would take care of mom, and in morning drive home, get my kid ready for school, see hubby go off to work. Then I would get ready for work, and repeat the same steps as the day before. Mom would walk during the night, so I would have to shadow her to make sure she was ok. I wasn't ok, I wasn't sleeping. Hubby saw me declining, and realized I was not sleeping. I had to put her in a home, it was a 6 pack pack near me, so I could stope in.
So, if they are not willing to drop everything and be there for mom, then they should not complain or argue. It is tough and hard to do. And if they haven't done it, invite them and offer to pay their way here, and stay with Mom 24/7 to see how well they last. The ball will be in their court. Offer it. " I am more than happy to have physical help, please come out here and take care of Mom, schedule dr appointment, dental appointment, hair appointment, and don't forget the podiatrist and get those toe nails clipped. and mom needs meds, food, depends, bed pads, Ensure, food and meals, socialization, walks, strolls, etc.." Please do come out and help!! The more the merrier. Come out so, I can take a few days off to rejuvinate. "

My friend is retired and took care of her mom and dad for 10 years. Sister called and announced her retirement. My then dad passed, and my friend said, Great, you are retired !! Start looking for a place for Mom because it's your turn to take care of her!! Sis was dumbfounded and didn't even think of that reaction. They kept to that plan, and found a place close to Sis. And unfortunately, Mom lost a wonderful roommate, but friend's mom was placed in a wonderful home near sis. :)

Both kids had their turn taking care of Mom. That was great for that family. it was good.

twll sister is she wants she is more than welcome to care for Mom herself. Keep on keeping on as you are. You are doing a great job. What is sister going to do? Get mad and not talk to you? Great. Keep notes etc and do what you need to do. Best wishes

Your sister seems more worried about the money. You are the POA and HCP. Your mother trusted you enough to put you in charge. Be firm and make decisions that are in the best interest for you and your mother. My cousin placed her mother in a wonderful assisted living facility and her siblings were upset that it was so expensive. Her brother asked her to take care of her. It is amazing to me that they can offer their advice from a distance, but will not do a thing to help out.My cousin continued to keep her in this facility and ignored their requests. Most of the 5 siblings do not talk to her now. I would definitely not provide receipts for them, they should not be involved in her finances, but I would certainly update them on your mother's status by telephone or email. You do not need this stress from your siblings You are in full control of this situation. You need to develop some thick skin and do the best for your mom.


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So, why hasn’t your sister moved her out to her place and have her living with her, since she thinks it’s such an easy option??

sorry. Tongue in cheek.
I know the answer.
So do so many others on this page.
Stay strong. You are handling it very well.