My mother is 82 and in assisting living with my father who has advanced Parkinson's. My mother is a miserable person. She recently said she is 'done with all of us', meaning me and my 2 sisters. (I'm 57, my sisters are 50 and 59). She has said she is disgusted with my sister's dating before her divorce is finalized. She doesn't approve of her grandchildren living with their significant other out of wedlock. I feel we are a huge disappointment to her in general. Nothing is ever good enough. The guilt she has put on all of us our entire life is overwhelming. She hates using the phone and never calls any of us but will text. Her recent text was about being 'done with all of us'. Those words have hurt greatly and I have not talked with her and she has not been in contact since then. How can we deal with her narcissistic toxic, guilt-ridden attitude? She did not have a great childhood, but I feel she's been making us all pay for it for a long time.
This is what you always dealt with and you are still dealing with it.
If you are waiting for her to tell you how mistaken she was, what marvelous, beautiful, competent and wonderful women you ALL are, you will be waiting a long time. She will be dead six months and still criticizing you. The important thing for you ALL is to find folks who WILL tell you what wonderful women you are. You have kept contact with this person for all your grown life, so you MUST be wonderful. More wonderful than me. I would be down to a 5 minute call to her on Sunday morning; that's where my partner ended with his Mom.
My advice for you is to understand she won't change, accept it so that forgiveness for her limitations can enter, and distance yourself.
You have dealt with this long enough to understand what you are dealing with. Deal with it less. She will be perfectly happy ragging on you to all the residents where she lives; you don't need to see and hear it to know she's happily at it.
For now, let her be miserable. In a few days text her saying your just checking in. You can always call the Nurse and ask how they are doing. Tell her Mom is a little put out with her family so she has blocked communication. This way the Nurse is aware if there are mood changes in Mom and if so why. Treat Mom like youvwould one of your kids. Don't play into her tantrums.
You will never get your mother's approval, it is best for all of you to stop trying.
YOU can't fix that. At best, you can encourage her to seek some psychiatric help for her sadness. But YOU can't make her happy.
And yes, you should step back, all of you. If she thrives on the drama of arguing and accusing, it is time to withdraw that source of narcissistic supply from her.
Triggering her does more harm than good. To both of you.
You say you love your mother, then maybe it’s time to deal with her directly and let her you love her but won’t put up with her constant criticisms and will be out of touch for awhile. Don’t feel guilty. It serves no purpose. You need to live a happy fulfilled life and stop worrying about what she says and if she will ever change. If she starts in with you, then tell her you need to go. Don’t fall for the bait! You are not responsible for her bad childhood and shouldn’t have to take the brunt of her anger. And don’t use that as an excuse: “well she had a bad childhood...” Many of us did and we don’t torture our children. As you say she’s been doing this a long time and it’s time for it to stop and for you to have some relief. And it will only get worse if you don’t deal with it now.
I don’t love my mother. But I still have chosen to oversee her care and insure she has what she needs, is safe and protected from the people that were taking advantage of her. I now do it from a distance with little communication. Set strong boundaries - it’s not easy!!! And if you need to talk to a counselor I can say I did and it helped me greatly.
Now I am using gray rock to keep up very low contact. Do you still want contact? Gray rock will let you have some contact but for me I am emotionally detached. It’s not easy but better than the alternative. Guilt trips are emotional abuse and not okay.
Good luck. You deserve peace!
He also does therapy sessions on Skype. My sister did one with him.
There are so many of us that are in the same boat!! You're in good company!!
Are Mom and Dad in the same room?
Is it possible to see Dad without seeing Mom?
My opinion is that you should respect what Mom said "I'm done with all of you "
So be it Mom!!
If she does reach out to you, then you can choose whether or not you want to communicate.
There are tons of videos on YouTube that talk about dealing with narcissistic parents.
A little research may be helpful.
Hang in there!
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