i'm an only child of two only children, and I had kids young. we've always made sacrifices for me be the stay at home parent. i homeschool my three youngest children, freelance and work from home, and we share space with my aging father.
my mom passed on 10 years ago, and my father asked our family to move in with him at that time. i was not a fan of this idea - but my husband reasoned that if we did this for just a few years, it could be mutually beneficial to help him cope with the worst of his grief, and to help us get ahead financially.
well, we were there for a lot longer - and finally moved out in early 2020. It became clear, then, that my father was having a much harder time living alone than he expected, and we ended up having to check on him at least monthly, cut the grass, etc. he cannot take care of the house or yard, does not cook, and can no longer do laundry. he's always enjoyed pretending that he doesn't need help, and we are the ones who need him - but the past two years made it clear that's not the case.
finally, a few months ago - we were facing a rent increase, and my father's dog died. we made the very difficult decision to move back into his home, and he was delighted. if we had not come back, he would be looking at assisted living arrangements.
my husband is a handyman, and we've already had to explain to my father that he cannot make instant demands of his time to fix things around the house and yard that are not remotely urgent. this still happens at least weekly.
it's mentally and emotionally exhausting to deal with his constant need for social input and arguments (he would say friendly banter), all while he tells us how he hates people!
we are in the process of converting the shed so that we can have an office space to retreat to, because the kids and I constantly feel on edge, no matter where we go in the house or yard.
ok - financials. my father's a veteran, and apparently he's set up "something" that will pay me 55% of his retirement benefits for the rest of my life, after he passes on. however - I've read that there are also options for me to get paid as a caregiver now? what would that entail?
he's never been financially savvy, and i know he has no roth IRA, no investments, etc. he has recently become a bit more open to discussing things like a living trust arrangement, to avoid a massive tax bill later.
we are clear that this house will become a rental property once my father's gone - but he absolutely won't hear that, and keeps expecting us to make updates to the house as if we'll live here forever. however - my husband's work clients are all 1-1.5 hours away.
our two adult kids also live 2 hours away, and we all miss each other a lot. it's confusing for all of us, because don't aging parents typically move to live near their adult children, and not the other way around? my father thinks my adult kids are ridiculous for moving away to the city instead of staying here (with no college and no job prospects)!
so, how am I to have real financial conversations about any of this with my father, when he seems to think my entire family exists to amuse and care for him? thank you in advance if you've read this far.
My father is quite happy with this arrangement as it allows him to be in denial of his own aging for as long as possible. My husband is far from “comfortable” but he seems to feel that it’s our duty to stay here—not to mention, it eases our (mainly his) financial burden.
You need to know:
1. Dad's SS payments
2. Dad's VA pension payments
3. What kind of Health insurance he has and how much he pays for it.
4. what pre-tax money dad has put away (Ira, 401k, 403b, 457)
5. Brokerage account totals.
6. Bank account totals
7. Contents of his will.
8. Who his financial and medical powers of attorney are.
9. How the house is currently titled.
10. What his debts are.
12. What his monthly expenses are, including food and insurance he pays for monthly.
13. What his yearly expenses are (property tax, insurance, water)--things he pays for yearly.
14. Does he have a reverse mortgage or HELOC.
I occasionally here from folks about "getting killed with inheritance/estate taxes".
Look up federal estate tax; it STARTS on estates of 12.06 million.
Some state have inheritance taxes.
Make sure your dad is dealing with facts and not the stuff he's "heard" on talk radio.
Hmmmm, ok as a 3rd thing you want to see this magic policy in full and you are going to take it to someone to evaluate it. I’m guessing its some sort of “annuity” he bought and it was sold by an insurance agent but touted as an investment that is ok for Medicaid rules (not entirely true) & he may still be paying into it. It sounds way odd as the way he described it as a “retirement benefits” doesn’t exist for you as his daughter; retirement benefits are paid to former employee who is now a retiree and to their spouse if the retiree predeceases them. Retirement benefits in my understanding are not ever paid to kids unless the kids are still a dependent of the retiree. VA pays survivor benefit to a spouse &/or a child under 18 or if child has a permanent disability from childhood. You’re not any of these categories are you? Get the policy and find a stockbroker who hold an insurance license to look it over for ya. Be prepared for dad to not be at all receptive or agreeable if in fact this policy is NOT at all what he thought it was.
but 1st and 2nd things are to legally become his DPOA and them to become a signatory on all his banking and financials. And you go to the bank with him and do this to make are sure it happens and also you become PoD on all accounts and open an online access to all the accounts. If he has investments ditto. If he won’t do this, tell him in 30 days you are moving back and renting a place. AND LEAVE!. Maybe ask one of the kids to find you a place in their city that’s a short term rental….. really it will be easy peasy for them to find stuff in the right price range, much easier that you ever could. Hubs and you having to spend an 1-2 hours to see clients isn’t sustainable unless it’s clients you see once or twice a month and make major money from them.
why oh why would Dad think there will be a massive tax bill? Is dad a multimillionaire with $M+ in bank accounts? Does he have a potential huge estate with homes & lands that are worth $$$$$? I’m guessing not, this is all BS talk of a narcissist. You have to call his bluff otherwise he will consider you and hubs & your kids to be beneath him and unworthy of his largess. I’d be concerned that unless you get real changes as to his property ownership done now - that he will be forever be threatening to change his mind as to who inherits. Once you see his finances then find an elder law atty for you & dad to go see to come up with options that work best. He needs to do something that very definitely gives you some degree of security (if I were to guess it would be placing home & land into a Trust, not life estate but a trust) and ability to do things for his behalf in the future by having POA and signature on financials.
ok on the not entirely true, LTC Medicaid rules are strict in gifting. If you gift $, you get transfer penalty & ineligible unless over 5 years ago. But if you place money into an annuity that you are owner of, it’s ok as it’s your $ in your name….. but when it pays others that $ is gifting. Should dad need to apply for LTC Medicaid, Medicaid likely either want it cashed out or they become the 1st beneficiary. Insurance agent who sold it DNGAF as he’s already made his fat commission & what he told you that putting $ was ok for Medicaid rules was right, he just left out the later on sticky part.
my husband works 4 days a week typically, so driving is an unpaid part time job, not even counting toll bills. it's brutal - and a big part of why we moved before. we're both self-employed and i know my husband loves the stability of not having a housing bill every month, but it comes at such a high cost to our ...sanity?
i don't know my father's exact amounts on anything, but he's def not a millionaire and has always bragged about not investing (?) he is a good consumer and loves to shop. it's a constant effort to minimize his hoarding tendencies. the attic is a nightmare of "treasures".
there's really nobody else who could inherit but me, at this point. he cut ties with all his other family before i was born. he says he's set up everything to go to me - but yes - best to clarify and not just take his word on all this. i will look up elder law attorneys and also a financial advisor.
But while it appears this works quite well for Dad, having live-in help - it's not working so well for you - with children & work clients so far away.
So what would be the practical thing for you all to do?
Q. Are you the only person in the world that can provide meals, do laundry or fix things for Dad? Or can *non-family* do these things? (even if he has to pay).
Q. Can you find an alternative place to live? (Even if you have to pay a bit more?)
Is this a direction you want?
(I don’t explain that, exactly. I just change the subject.)
We live in an area where rent is incredibly high, so we’d be facing major life compromises no matter what. Apartments are “cheaper” but still high—and we’ve all agreed we slightly prefer this to apartment living. Slightly :)
thank you to all who have responded. It gives me a lot to consider.
Your mother taught you well how not to value or honor your own feelings, didn't she?
2. Your husband is doing this for a free place to live. The whole sense of duty thing is bull. Have you both been putting aside what would have been a mortgage or rent payment each month? If not then you need to start otherwise it is pointless to live with dad if you are not saving money like crazy.
I don't see how living an hour and a half from work clients is cost effective. But that does mean with all his travel he has to spend less time at home with dad. A win for him only. Yeah sense of duty in a pigs eye.
3. If you are paying for updates to dad's house without anything in writing about getting this house when dad passes then it is like you are updating and remodeling a rental house. Which is foolish.
4. If you can't have a grown up talk with dad about any of the above just be prepared to be shafted when he dies regarding all his "promises." Many old people lie to get what they want. Their logic being it wont matter after they are dead because they wont have to deal with the fallout.
5. My recommedation is to move out of dad's house. The constant stress your younger children are under living there will be much more damaging (consequences in the future you arent even aware of right now) than whatever little bit of money you are supposedly saving. Shame on both of you for not putting the well being of your children first.
To the OP, living with constant tension, which you mention as the conditions you and your kids live with is REALLY bad for your health. VERY bad for your childrens' health.
Have you googled F.O.G? Fear, Obligation and Guilt?
Am I eligible for a VA Survivors Pension as the child of a deceased wartime Veteran?
You may be eligible for this benefit if you’re unmarried and you meet at least one of these requirements.
At least one of these must be true:
You’re under age 18, or
You’re under age 23 and attending a VA-approved school, or
You’re unable to care for yourself due to a disability that happened before age 18
The exception are fee for service fiduciaries and they are few and far between.
Beware of FAs trying to sell annuities. There is a HUGE upfront sales charge that goes to the FA paid by YOU.
Best free financial advice comes from www.bogleheads.org.
As for F.O.G. - I've been re-reading about it today, thanks. i've actually been learning about NPD and C-PTSD for almost two decades, and have escaped an abusive ex partner.