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I'm new to the forum. I'm 57 years old, an only child, no children, lost most of my relatives at a young age. My father died when I was 28, he was 73 and he passed away after 3 weeks of being diagnosed from myeloid leukemia. I was with my dad, alone when he passed. It was difficult but there was peace for him. I was very close to my dad and I still miss him very much. It feels like he has been gone for a lifetime. It feels so distant. It's been 30 years since he passed on.
I am married and have a supportive husband but he has a 92 year old mother with dementia. My mom lived in her home up to 97 years old and was high functioning. In December 2023 she had a fall, ER visit and with review we brought her back to our house to stay for a while, rehab, but it was evident that she couldn't live at home alone anymore. My husband, mom and I went to an independent living facility down the street, nice place, but my mom felt she is too old to go in and I felt the same as she is a rare bird at 98. I've been helping her over the last 2 decades from 80s into her 90s but have helped earlier too at different capacities. My mom is my only biological family member.
Since I do not have any other family members I have a care of team people around me to help. I usually work full-time with my medical benefits but my work has been very flexible with my schedule. I have a care team to help six days a week and a palliative nurse with a dementia team I work with and it helps make my role easier with coordinating all that is needed to help my mom function with doctors, prescription meds and etc. I make all the decisions for my mom at this point. There is currently dementia in and out, cognitive strokes (mini) and other issues. She is still functioning and when people see her they think she is 20 years younger than she is. After the compliment, and as we leave my mom will look at me and say, "They have to say that". When she was younger she looked like Grace Kelly, an actress back in the day. My mom at 98 is still beautiful but her mind is moving changing.
In my position, and moving my mom in with us I have a front row seat to the decline of my parent. It can be very difficult to witness daily. I watch the changes and my mom is a very strong woman. My husband who is also taking care of his mom said, "Taking care of a parent is not for sissies", and he is correct. These days, I try to be very conscious of my mom and my own self care. My self care is needed so I can keep a clear mind, physically and mentally, make sure I eat nutritiously, meditate to keep myself well to help my mom.
It's a very difficult time for a child (adult child) to watch there parent decline. I do a lot to ensure the right people and self are in place to help her. At times it can feel like a lot but then there is some normalcy. Nothing is consistent.
In my mind, I feel like I need to be a navy seal to handle this part of my mom's winter years with the respect and dignity. We change the sail with each change per my husband. It's difficult and there are good and bad days.
Does anyone have a parent an elderly parent living in their home (90s) with dementia? Can you provide tips to keep things light and move through it with grace?

To me it sounds like you are doing everything you can to maintain a balance between being a wife, caregiver, working professional.
You have the help and support that helps you maintain a balance that works for you.
The only comment here is, make sure BOTH you and your husband take time for each other, get away from caregiving others and take care of each other.

Please stick around and share what you learn with others that struggle with finding that balance.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
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You sound a lot like my mom and I, she was also living independently until a fall and then sciatica, and although I had been there most weekends it was only when I stayed an extended period of time that I realized she shouldn't be alone any more. My only advice is to accept help, make a plan for breaks daily, weekly and for extended vacations, and have a plan B in place for when you decide you can't do it any more (even if you believe you'll never need it).
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to cwillie
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Lucy3114 Jul 23, 2024
Our situations do sound similar. I hope I'm able to maintain her stay with me. Take care and thank you.
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